Adoption, finding children, new thread.

You have started an interesting thread Sago. I don't have experience of adoption so in no position to submit an opinion. However I can understand how being reunited may cause many emotions that are difficult to manage. Hope you are all ok.

My husband was adopted. He did track down his birth mother very easily, an unusual surname. He wrote to her and he received a phone call from her husband asking us not to contact again. He said he was acting on her behalf. I often wonder if he actually was? too late now as my husband kept a sort of track on her. She died some years later.

Unfortunately such reunions are portrayed in the media as successful, heart wrenching etc. Frequently the opposite is true. I think people need to be clear about their motives for seeking out birth parents/children. Personally I don't understand how someone can fall into the arms of a complete stranger and say their life is now complete.

I don’t think that any of us can understand why an adopted person would think that their life would be complete on finding their birth parent(s) unless we were in that position.

A family member found out not long ago that her father had adopted her, she was absolutely devastated about it, he died not long after and she never confronted her Mother, but never forgave her, however she did a DNA test, put it onto Ancestry and was contacted by a very close family member in the USA, sadly her birth Father was long dead, but she had half sisters and brothers.
That was enough for her. She didn’t want to stay in touch with them ( she is in her late 70s) but she was very sad about the Father.
Although I have to say that her adopted Father absolutely doted on her and she was definitely their favourite child.

I was adopted Oopsadaisy and still can't understand it.

I was adopted, and was under the impression my real mum could have looked for me once I was 18. She didn’t.

My husband found the family 12 years ago, but sadly, my mum had died, but I was able to meet her sister and cousins. Also helpful, as I found out useful medical information.

I felt they wanted to embrace me into their family, but I just couldn’t. They were basically strangers. It was my mum I would have liked to meet, but that ship had sailed.

My adoptive mother and I were never close. In fact we ended up being estranged.

Some reunion stories are good....some not. That’s just life isn’t it?

I imagine it is like opening a can of worms! and needs very careful handling. People are not simply meeting birth parents they are being exposed to the whole family!! If an adopted person has had loving / caring parents and as an adult is filled with happy childhood memories - perhaps that should be sufficient? Although I understand the need to find roots , but not convinced it is worth the risk .

My cousin is adopted.
She found her birth mother when she was in her 40’s.
She also discovered she had two half sisters.
The relationship with BM was not happy but one of the sisters became a good friend, the other didn’t want to know.
Perhaps best left alone, especially if the adoption was a good one which in my cousin’s case it was.

DiscoDancer1975 Your Mum could not have looked for you until 2005.
It was impossible to get information on legal adoptions until the law change.

I was raised by my grandparents. My mother left me with them when I was 2/3 years old to start a new life in the USA. I never knew my father but managed to track him down when I was 27. He was American and also living in the USA. A couple of years later I travelled to America to meet him but we just didn't connect and I felt absolutely nothing for him. I think he "felt" the same. We broke off contact shortly afterwards. I am so pleased that I found him. It laid so many ghosts to rest for me and helped me to move forward in my life. I do agree though, the media sugar coat these things.

I also met someone who was adopted into a middle class family.
Given a lovely life, educated and became a respected member of a profession, married a man with the same background, very happy, two very successful children.
Met her very large birth family, very different background who treated her like a cash cow.
She found it very difficult to deal with and had absolutely nothing in common with them.
She eventually let it taper off.
Be careful what you wish for sometimes.
Having said that I am very happy for all concerned when it works.

I was adopted, and two of my grandchildren are adopted, so it's a subject of great interest to me. it's very complicated and emotional when we find our birth family, and sometimes not successful. It really can be a case of "Be careful what you wish for". But there are sucess stories, of course.

Both my adopted nephews have now found their birth mothers, one via facebook, the other through a search company.
I think they are both a little more satisfied but have no intention of forming any sort of relationship. I think they wanted to know who their birth fathers were but I don't think they discovered that. One has, however found a friendly half sibling.
One nephew has a DS with bright red hair - on meeting the birthmother, he saw where it came from!.

I am adopted.lnthink you have to be very careful what you wish for when you go searching.
My story had a very unhappy ending. She told me l was a product of a rape, which proved to be untrue. She had told her fiance this, who she later married and had 3 children by.
Her mother and brother told me the truth. They were lovely people.
I only met her once and that was more than enough, totally self centred.
I was very lucky as l did have wonderful adoptive parents, who showered me with love.
I didn't look for BM until after they had passed away.

We have experienced this, but it didn’t work out for my mil.
The tv programmes when everyone is delighted to have found long lost family only show one side of a story .
The other side is a second painful rejection.

The televised programmes never show the other side when the reunion doesn't go well. Davina is there saying 'do you want to see a picture' as if they are going to say no. Parents are the people who bring up children and my friend has done this three times and given unwanted children a happy and safe life. Unfortunately nowdays many of them have complex issues to try and resolve. It's a challenge. Only one of them has wanted to try and find their birth mother/father.

Oh Millie22 please don't use the adjective "unwanted".
I have no experience of adoption but do know that for very many mothers who gave their babies for adoption it was a heartbreaking decision.

It was difficult for some mothers Esspee but not for all, some babies were definitely unwanted.

Wow, to me this is absolutely massive and i mean massive.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, my mum and dad were THE most loving, caring, precious perfect mum and dad but hung round my neck like a noose was the feeling of rejection, i didn't ask for it, i didn't want it, but it was there the whole of my life.

I visited counsellors and a physiotherapist to help me rid this poisonous feeling, but nothing but nothing helped. I absolutely loved my mum and dad more than i can put in words here but as i say, i conducted my whole life with a fear called rejection wrapped around me like a second skin.

In recent months i have found ( through ANCESTRY DNA ) who my natural father is and THAT is a huge long story, but basically it is NOT who i have been looking for for the best part of 30 years !!! The mans name was concocted to cover tracks ( married man blah blah bloody blah ..... sorry for swearing)

I found out that the woman who gave birth to me was 31 years old.

Yes the LONG LOST FAMILY programme only show the positive reunions, the arms flung round each other, tears of happiness. What about the others who finally get to know the people who made them and the people who made them see them as a skeleton in their cupboard and wrap ANOTHER layer of rejection around the rejection that is already there, nahhhh thats not gonna get the TV ratings in is it !!!!!

Serendipity What a sad post, typical I think for many adopted children.

Everyone thinks that there has to be a fairytale ending, the reality is very different, some women really should not be mothers.

In hindsight my husbands reunion was fairly good, he now understands himself better knowing where he came from but meeting his mother brought up a lot of problems as she was a manipulative woman.

I am part of a long lasting positive reunion which has changed my life for the better and I know others in the same position. This thread has been quite negative about reunions but there are definitely good ones with positive outcomes.

A friend of mine had always known that she had been adopted as a baby and she waited until both of her adoptive parents had died before she started to search for her birth mother. When she found her BM, she discovered that her parents had already had 3 children before she was born and then a further 2 after her, all of which they kept; she was the only child that had been put up for adoption. Her siblings had known of her existence but it wounded her very deeply that no one had come looking for her and that just added to her feeling that she was of no importance to any of them. It's caused, and still is causing her, a great deal of sadness.

Elusivebutterfly

I am part of a long lasting positive reunion which has changed my life for the better and I know others in the same position. This thread has been quite negative about reunions but there are definitely good ones with positive outcomes.

I was just thinking the same Elusive Butterfly!

The programmes do have follow ups both negative and positive.

One of my GS’s is adopted and is much loved by the whole family.

The REAL parents are, IMO, the ones who comfort and encourage them and try to ensure that their child feels loved and secure.

Good to hear you had such a positive outcome Elusivebutterfly I just think the media portrayals are very one sided.
I'm sorry you have such feelings of rejection Serendipity I don't feel that way at all but understand its effect on you.
I don't think about my birth family, I was fortunate in having caring adoptive parents. I am my own person and don't concern myself with my beginnings. Its different of course if there are medical/ genetic issues to consider.