Adoption, finding children, new thread.

When i began the search ( needle on a haystack) for BM it certainly wasnt to replace my mum and dad, nor was it to find love that i had never received, no way, i had unconditional love and perfect mum and dad, i searched out of pure curiosity, searched for SOMEONE who i looked like, SOMEONE who could give me answers for the rejection i carried around with me, nooo i will rephrase that rejection that attached itself to me.

I conducted my search when my precious dad has passed away, my search lead me to find my BM and i wish i had never bothered, her words ( that i will NEVER forget ) were " Dont forget it is YOU who came looking for me, not the other way round " She said this as she remained sat in a corner of the room, no bounding over to me in elation that she was now face to face with the child she rejected, absolutely nothing whatsoever.

So yes, curiosity was so very strong like a magnet pulling, pulling and then when you had been forcibly pushed and pulled and driven to her presence, there to greet you is ...... rejection.

One of my closest friends was traced about 30 years ago. It did not work out- he was absolutely furious to find she was very happily married.
He tried his best to break up the marriage.
He had refused to use an intermediary.
I think an intermediary is essential.

Meant to add, my adoptive parents had no idea how to love and nurture a child.

sodapop my adoptive parents told me when I was four.
My birth parents married on my second birthday and went on to have three more children. I have never got over the rejection issues, just learnt to live with it, I have three children who I love completely and utterly, and they me, has so helped in making me almost whole.

I'm sorry you feel as you do Hippie20 & Nannylovesshopping were you told from an early age about your adoptions or did you find out later ? This seems to make a big difference in how people cope with adoption.
I have never felt rejected, rather that I had a much better life with my adoptive parents than I would have had with my birth mother. I always knew I was adopted so it was no big thing for me.

I am another who can vouch for rejection issues that have been so difficult to live with, wish I’d never known I was adopted.

This is an interesting thread. I was adopted and meeting my bm was a disaster. She got in touch because she thought I could help her financially as she was living on benefits. Meeting her caused me a lot of trauma. Be very careful. I wish I had left well alone. Although I had a wonderful childhood the feeling of being rejected never goes.

One of my grandsons is adopted. He’s still a child so we don’t know if he’ll want to find his birth mother. Birth father lives abroad so that’s probably unlikely. If he finds his birth mother I’m afraid he’ll be very disappointed. He was removed from her due to neglect. I really hope he doesn’t want to find her for that reason.

I was adopted, I traced my birth Mother, I spoke to her on the phone, came to nothing, there was too many differences.
I never contacted her again.

I enjoy watching Long Lost Family and am touched to see how overwhelmed the adopted person is to see someone who resembles themselves

Chewbacca, I’m so really sorry for your friend. Give her a big hug from me x

I have an older sister I have never met. I don't even know if she is still alive. I found out by accident at 17 but even then I thought to myself I would not look for her. My mother is emotionally abusive. Who would want to expose her to that.

I have two adopted grand children (full sister and brother), the twelfth and thirteenth in a large criminal family, all children removed from parents, our two at birth. The older child (nearly 16) is really struggling with who she is with an upbringing very different from the life she would have had and desperate to find herself. I think this really is a case where a better match would have been better but am hoping we can help DGD2 through this very difficult time.

Esspee

Oh Millie22 please don't use the adjective "unwanted".
I have no experience of adoption but do know that for very many mothers who gave their babies for adoption it was a heartbreaking decision.

Yes..I was told my mother never really got over it. She hated her parents, and left as soon as she legally could, so 21 then. Both my grandparents died soon after, when I was about 4. My grandfather was apparently a bully, and wanted nothing to do with me. My grandmother was supposedly heartbroken.

My mother went on to have three more children, who all gre up with her. They didn’t know for sure about me until after my mum died, but had heard rumours.

I am so very happy for those who find a peace within themselves when they meet their BM or BF ..... its lovely to know, truly.

Chewbacca your poor friend, i can understand 100% her crippling hurt, will you give her a hug from me please.

Good to hear you had such a positive outcome Elusivebutterfly I just think the media portrayals are very one sided.
I'm sorry you have such feelings of rejection Serendipity I don't feel that way at all but understand its effect on you.
I don't think about my birth family, I was fortunate in having caring adoptive parents. I am my own person and don't concern myself with my beginnings. Its different of course if there are medical/ genetic issues to consider.

Elusivebutterfly

I am part of a long lasting positive reunion which has changed my life for the better and I know others in the same position. This thread has been quite negative about reunions but there are definitely good ones with positive outcomes.

I was just thinking the same Elusive Butterfly!

The programmes do have follow ups both negative and positive.

One of my GS’s is adopted and is much loved by the whole family.

The REAL parents are, IMO, the ones who comfort and encourage them and try to ensure that their child feels loved and secure.

A friend of mine had always known that she had been adopted as a baby and she waited until both of her adoptive parents had died before she started to search for her birth mother. When she found her BM, she discovered that her parents had already had 3 children before she was born and then a further 2 after her, all of which they kept; she was the only child that had been put up for adoption. Her siblings had known of her existence but it wounded her very deeply that no one had come looking for her and that just added to her feeling that she was of no importance to any of them. It's caused, and still is causing her, a great deal of sadness.

I am part of a long lasting positive reunion which has changed my life for the better and I know others in the same position. This thread has been quite negative about reunions but there are definitely good ones with positive outcomes.

Serendipity What a sad post, typical I think for many adopted children.

Everyone thinks that there has to be a fairytale ending, the reality is very different, some women really should not be mothers.

In hindsight my husbands reunion was fairly good, he now understands himself better knowing where he came from but meeting his mother brought up a lot of problems as she was a manipulative woman.

Wow, to me this is absolutely massive and i mean massive.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, my mum and dad were THE most loving, caring, precious perfect mum and dad but hung round my neck like a noose was the feeling of rejection, i didn't ask for it, i didn't want it, but it was there the whole of my life.

I visited counsellors and a physiotherapist to help me rid this poisonous feeling, but nothing but nothing helped. I absolutely loved my mum and dad more than i can put in words here but as i say, i conducted my whole life with a fear called rejection wrapped around me like a second skin.

In recent months i have found ( through ANCESTRY DNA ) who my natural father is and THAT is a huge long story, but basically it is NOT who i have been looking for for the best part of 30 years !!! The mans name was concocted to cover tracks ( married man blah blah bloody blah ..... sorry for swearing)

I found out that the woman who gave birth to me was 31 years old.

Yes the LONG LOST FAMILY programme only show the positive reunions, the arms flung round each other, tears of happiness. What about the others who finally get to know the people who made them and the people who made them see them as a skeleton in their cupboard and wrap ANOTHER layer of rejection around the rejection that is already there, nahhhh thats not gonna get the TV ratings in is it !!!!!

It was difficult for some mothers Esspee but not for all, some babies were definitely unwanted.

Oh Millie22 please don't use the adjective "unwanted".
I have no experience of adoption but do know that for very many mothers who gave their babies for adoption it was a heartbreaking decision.

The televised programmes never show the other side when the reunion doesn't go well. Davina is there saying 'do you want to see a picture' as if they are going to say no. Parents are the people who bring up children and my friend has done this three times and given unwanted children a happy and safe life. Unfortunately nowdays many of them have complex issues to try and resolve. It's a challenge. Only one of them has wanted to try and find their birth mother/father.

We have experienced this, but it didn’t work out for my mil.
The tv programmes when everyone is delighted to have found long lost family only show one side of a story .
The other side is a second painful rejection.