Is marriage hard work?

Mine was certainly 19 years of hard work, until he went to live with his Floozie.

In my opinion whether marriage is hard work or not depends on how you define hard work and how you define marriage.

Life is hard work at times and this applies whether we are talking about work, marriage, bringing up a family, or caring for elderly relations.

I honestly do not think divorce statistics necessarily tell us anything about whether marriage is hard or not. Divorce too depends largely on what the partners expected married life to be like and which problems they faced and that proved either insoluble or ones that they could not agree to solve.

Our generation grew up believing that romatic love was the only acceptable basis for marriage. This has largely influenced our expectations, causing some of us to give up when the romantic feelings changed. Others have soldiered on through the hard times and found good times on the other side of the hard ones.

Obviously, not everyone has been able to do so and indeed the hard part can be so hard that no-one should be expected to carry on.

If any young person asked me if marriage is hard work, my answer would be that yes, it is - at times. Being honest about your expectations and feelings should make it easier. You do perhaps at times need to ask yourself if the good part still outweighs and carries you both through the hard times. You should be able to ask and answer that question honestly if you feel you are reaching a point where you might want to call it a day.

I am in the fortunate position of being in calm waters after some fairly hard times and the even more fortunate one that neither of us have ever wanted to call it quits, We did not however get here without some humdinger battles on the way, but we still love and respect each other.

It depends what is meant by ‘hard work’. If it means that someone is unhappy for the majority of the time; if a dark cloud decends on the house whenever her husband enters it; if he is thoughtless and unkind and uncaring this is a doomed relationship and it will end eventually, but sooner rather than later.
However divorce arises the parties will feel a sense of failure whether culpable or not. It is a waste of a life to stick with an unhappy situation, or fear that one will not cope alone.

Polnan, perhaps Kittylester's daughter is where we were with a friend of ours who walked around slating her husband for his unreasonable behaviour, lack of empathy, etc, etc. We gave bucket loads of sympathy, assisted her to get legal advice, counselling, etc, etc. After a number of years of this, we all agreed that she was never going to help herself and that we had done all we could so we would stop actively trying to help her. We let her complain for a short time, then would try to change the subject. One day, out of the blue, she announced she was leaving said husband. It turned out that she had met somebody else so had found the confidence to leave with his support. Personally, I thought it rather sad that she muddied the waters but maybe after all those years of living with her husband, she had lost all confidence in her ability to cope without him. It is a classic sign of abuse/coercive control but we didn't know that then.

Maybe DD should advise her friend to look dee-inside herself to be sure that the problem is not bout her husband but also about her ?? It often is !! We all know the mantra that you cannot change others or their way of being, you can only change how YOU react to it. Wise words, not easy to follow but worth a try.
Other than that, put up with it, accept that there are always bad times as well as good, look on the current situation as a growing point - or walk away and try again thought there is no guarantee of happiness along that route either. Keep trying - at least that way she will not have to drag a sense of failure in her wake for ever more !! Then there's always Marriage Guidance - even suggesting it to him might be enough to start a change. HE's the one she should be taking to, not your DD. A look in the mirror is always helpful too.

Hubby and I married at aged 18 and 20. Now 64 and 66 we are nothing like the people we were when we started out. We handle stress and conflict differently -while I worry hubby chooses to bury his head in the sand. I'm the eternal optimist while he is a confirmed pessimist. However we both understand why the other operates in this way. Marriage is a journey with many potholes on the way. However you have to work hard to navigate through them together.

polnan

I find it strange that you say your DD is "supporting" her friend, yet seems to want to tell her how to proceed, or have I got that wrong?

all life is hard work

love the quote, marry if you can`t live without them, and don`t we widows/widowers find the truth of that when spouse dies...

sounds like your dd`s friend has the committment, but no details so who are we to comment or judge?

polnan, my DD is supporting her friend. No where do I suggest that she is trying to tell her how to proceed.

She does, however, think that it will be inevitable and her friend does often say she will leave him. DD will be there for her friend whatever happens. They have been friends for over 30 years which is why she is our 'spare' daughter.

V hard work. We should really just be living separately and meet up as friends. Never been on the same wavelength. Although I gave birth to 2 sons I had 3 children. He is not a bad man just uninteresting and totally incurious. I am too demanding but gave up making the compromises after 20 years.

Yes. More so since the husband retired.

I think that marriages can be hard work sometimes but on the whole, the good times should outweigh the bad. If you have to continually swim through mud to get a small bite of the cherry, then it is just exhausting.
We try to impress on our children that when 2 people marry they become a team who pull together rather than pulling apart. We encourage them to stand up against the world rather than each other and to try to resolve arguments rather than win them. Whether our encouragement will help them in the long run, I don't know, but so far they have had reasonably long marriages and have managed to work through their problems. Of course, choosing the right person in the first place helps!
We spent the last couple of nights binge watching a Couples Counselling therapist working her magic on some of the most complex cases and it struck me how difficult it was when so many people are so damaged by their childhoods which they then bring to the marriage. They were mainly good people with such histories that made them awkward to live with. Good therapy helped them through it. Maybe that is the way forward for the OP's daughter's friend.

No it is not hard work. But it is at times, work. Like life, it is not always blissfully romantic, it is balanced with times to reflect, learn and give a little more. My H and I, have now been married for 42 years and every year is better than the last. If you have a 'good' man, he is worth all the 'work'.

I definitely think that marriage is hard work. I tried very hard to make mine work for 40 years but in the end we parted company (his decision in the end) but now I am so much happier on my own …. I can make all my own decisions, eat when I choose, go out when I choose, have friends here when I choose, watch my choice on the telly etc. etc. We are actually still married and now perfectly friendly. But no way would I ever want him back with me. I now look upon him as an elderly uncle who sometimes needs my support one way or the other.

Most relationships require a bit of work. Whether considered hard that is up to those involved. Think of ftiendships, work colleagues, family/siblings, membership of clubs, even neighbours. Of course with a few you can always walk away a lot easier than you can in a marriage. Sure those who are in long term relationships can remember the euphoria of the early days. Naturally the shine wears off with time, ruts develop. With a bit of effort the shine can be restored and the ruts smoothed out. Marriage does need work, but it surely shouldn't be hard.

Is “hard work” the right wording? At times, I’m frustrated and irritated. Most of the time I’m happy and contented enough. I think if it was hard work, I’d leave!

"dont marry him just because you think you can live with him,marry him because you cant live without him"

Paddyann I want to borrow your mum's advice.

Mind you I have no intention of remarrying. My beloved DH of 51 years died a year ago and I miss him very much for all his foibles come back all is forgiven! but also his tolerance of mine.

I have nobody to chuckle with, cuddle, celebrate with, complain to, despair with, cook for, eat for, walk with and travel through life with.

I believe in having our own interests and friends so when one of you leaves this world, or you part for another reason. We are born alone and die alone.

I don’t think any of us are so perfectly matched that we don’t need to work at our marriages, but I don’t necessarily think it should be hard work - supporting each other through life’s journey comes naturally if you love each other.

I agree with the OP though - life has its’ ups and downs, and if problems are being swept under the carpet instead of aired, then you have to ask yourself why that is. I think the hard work element comes in if you find it difficult to talk to each other about things that are bothering you. Bottling things up doesn’t work because you inevitably end up at breaking point and it sounds as though that’s what will eventually happen to the DD’s friend.

I'm very happy being married to my husband, I've never thought of my marriage as hard work, their have been days when he's annoyed me or I've annoyed him, but only the odd day and the rest of the time we are happy. My sister constantly says marriage is such hard work but her and her husband constantly pick fault in each other, I'd absolutely hate that type of relationship. So I suppose it depends on who you are married too and what you get from your marriage, I'm guessing I'm very lucky as we both enjoy each others company and thankfully he never notices my faults ? over 45 years and having fun together.

I put up with an annoying mother in law because she was needy having been injured badly and lost her husband in a horrific car crash before the wedding for yrs because I love my husband and he and his family were all close and loving we had no money and it was a struggle, but a loving husband even if you are broke makes a difference, yes I got fed up with toddlers underfoot and no space in tiny house and him working long hours but wegotthrough it..

I met my husband at age 20 and he was 21. our hormones were raging and it was the swinging 60s. I got pregnant and we got married mainly because of the baby, a girl. I was in love with my husband but as the years passed we both realised that we were absolutely right for each other. We had a son a little later . Times were tough and we had little money. Often I just wanted to get out of the marriage and wished I had not rushed into it. I missed my freedom and saw other girls my age enjoying themselves while I was looking after 2 small children. But I stayed because I loved my husband who was a good man and a loving father. Yes, we had a lot of rows but worked hard at our marriage and things got a little easier moneywise, as I got a job and our children were looked after by other people and then they went to school. My husband who had always had good health got Alzheimers and looking after him was damn difficult.... eventually he had to go into a care home and died.
I do miss him so much, remembering his many good qualities and our love... That was 6 years ago and I still miss him...
Yes, marriage can be hard work... but love triumphs.

MayBeMaw

I think it should be like any form of exercise you have chosen - yes, requiring effort and patience , “hard work” but something you do because you also enjoy it.
When it becomes a drudge, hard graft with no satisfaction, then something is wrong.

This pretty much. I lost my husband 10 years ago. I always felt that marriage….. sny kind of close relationship..,. Should be somthing that is something that you can’t live without rather than something you can cope with

Your mother was very wise PaddyAnn.
Yes BlueBelle I agree, much luck is involved in meeting the right person and working at a marriage that then doesn’t work is not the fault of anyone.
I think I was extremely lucky. Orlin and I were 15 when we met and 20 when we married in 1970 so I suppose we ‘grew up’ together which may have helped.

Yes if you let it. It is give and take and negotiate. My mother once brought me up sharp when I went home uninvited because DH was at work all weekend. She said"YOU have made your bed go home and lie on it untidy of get it made properly"we've managed nearly 50 years with lots of negotiation.

My accountant once said to me that "love is a verb, not an adjective". (He was very Ghandi-like).
Any relationship requires "work", in that you both work together to create happiness.
I believe that if its "hard work", that you're putting in, it means the other person doesn't get that love is a verb, ie, they're not putting in their share of the work that's required.
It applies to any relationship whether sanctioned by church/law or not.

Depends who you are married to, I suppose.

Yes marriage can be hard work but it is worth working at. I will soon have been married for 54 years. My husband is my closest friend and we are very happy together.
The one tip I would give to anyone is always be kind. What you give out you get back.
I would also say be polite to your partner and treat each other with respect.
Looking back over younger years when we have been trying to be right and scoring points over each other, well that was so silly. You are a team in marriage, your children draw their examples of how to live happily from their parents. Always try to show good examples. You won't always get it right but it is worth trying to.