Husband jealous of my time with our Grandson

My DH died when our 4 DGC were under 3 years old. He loved playing with them . DGD1 and DGS2 lived 100 miles away but he thought nothing of us getting into the car and driving to their house after work just to spend a couple of hours with them and then driving home to bed before going to work the next morning.

Again slightly different but my late partner didn’t interact with my grandson. He used to come and stay From when he was 3 onwards and my partner would completely ignore him. If I brought it up he denied that he ignored him and said my grandson was a know it all so it wasn’t worth speaking to him. I got fed up of being in the middle and made to feel uncomfortable.

I would find it very difficult not to tell him straight but I know his attitude is quite common in some men it all boils down to them wanting to have your exclusive attention they don't like the idea of not been your number one priority. My ex partner was a jealous person even of our son then GS he went behind my back telling my DDs I was stressed out and tired and my GS was too much for me all a lie so she wouldn't ask me to babysit some men never grow up

DH has had several strokes and friends with similar and I have a theory that strokes intensify traits which were always there. Eg bossy becomes controlling, relaxed becomes too laid back.
DH says he’s a better grandfather than he was a father “ because he was always at work then”. Hmmm?
However he is very fond of the two dGC. who are close by and will even give up PM questions in favour of Peppa Pig on tv. ?

I appreciate everyone's input,thank you.I know a stroke can make you so very selfish. I shall just enjoy my precious time with my Grandson and my husband shall just need to sulk!

For you. Sorry, I can't read your name.
I must get some new glasses!

Gwan1 - your husband clearly feels incomplete in some way after his stroke and that will tend to low mood or even depression. The way to help lift that is to work on your husband's Achievement, Connectivity, and Enjoyment (ACE). Try involving him in what you do with your grandson, find out if there's something your grandson would like to do just with him so that they develop their own relationship. If there's no improvement be crystal clear with your husband that the time you spend with your grandson is something you gain pleasure from and that it's important if you are to continue living in the negative atmosphere he is creating by moaning, that you have that pleasure. I fall short of suggesting you tell your husband to take a running jump - unless he has some really exciting plans to offer you as a substitute for seeing your grandson - but really, nothing can compare with that bond between grandma and grandchild so even a world cruise wouldn't seem attractive to me in that situation.

Enjoy your grandson, watch him grow and be the loving grandson you will always remember.
Never mind grandad.
My darling Grandaughter has come back to live with us, she’s 21 now I raised from the age of 7 when my son died and her mother went to prison for his murder.
She’s messy, noisy, stays out late unless she’s working.
She drives her grandad mad, but I know he loves her too bits.

So sorry to hear about your problem, Gwan1
Jealousy is a powerfully destructive emotion as we all know
and sometimes a state of depression which can happen after a stroke can involve loss of confidence where a person can find themselves needing to rely on a loved one much more than previously. So that anyone wanting to share a relationship with you in this case your 10year old grandson naturally, can give rise to jealousy from your husband. I am wondering if your husband is actually suffering from depression and could be helped by a visit to his GP. Medication isn’t for everyone in this situation but he may be offered a course of antidepressants if he is diagnosed with depression.. .
I have suffered two strokes before I became a grandmother at the grand age of 74....and was anxious and depressed after my second stroke due to my disability. However fortunately the births of my two granddaughters lifted my spirits and I am much better now. I agree that the time you spend with your grandson is vitally important for both of you and you need to be firm with your husband especially if he is unwilling to try to help himself.

I am of the same opinions as Dickens and Soniah. If your husband's stroke has affected his movement or speech he probably feels inadequate now, possibly depressed and maybe embarrassed when your GS is there, so he avoids him. He may now feel that his GS is 'cleverer' than he is and feel threatened by that. He may even be worried that he might have another stroke when the boy is there and doesn't want him to witness that. But your GS is 10 years old and old enough to have all that explained to him. He's probably already noticed that his grandfather doesn't interact with him. Perhaps you could speak to both of them together in a casual conversational manner. Tell your husband that you don't love him any less or care for him less when you are with your grandson. Your DH tells other people he is proud of your GS, is he really, or does he just say that because he knows that's what GPs are expected to say? A lot of talking is needed I think. But if it doesn't help continue to spend time with your GS and try to involve your husband whenever an opportunity arises. A very difficult situation for you all.

Some, emphasis on "some" men when they get older are a total burden and no fun to be around thus the reason I am very happily single and free to do as I please (travel, shop, see friends, sleep peacefully, eat my preferred food, too much to list here). My children will look after me as I age, I have 4 adult children and one small grandchild, if one of them doesn't show up the other one will. After watching my mother and other female relatives live their golden years miserable stuck with a selfish, drunken, stingy or narcissistic husband I won't torture myself in my best time of life. No you are not harsh, you have my sympathy!

How often do you see your grandson? I assume it isn't every day and all day?

I think you need to tell your husband quite firmly that you have no intention of allowing his moodiness, crossness about his state of health, jealousy or whatever else it is, stop you from enjoying your grandson's company, and that he can like it or lump it. After all, your husband has your company the rest of the time.

Not only is your husband upsetting you by his attitude, he is depriving or trying to deprive your grandson of a valuable and loving relationship with you.

If he no longer can or will spend time with his grandson that is bad enough. He has absolutely no right to suggest you should stop seeing the boy. He may not have said this outright, but this is after all what his behaviour is leading up to.

well i feel sorry for the husband; old, ugly, no fun, maybe ill, and time likely to be short.
versus a child: pretty, funny, affectionate, and it's not an equal relationship, so no real challenge there.
children are praised, often indulged, encouraged, celebrated, all their growth and achievements are major landmarks.
by comparison, who bothers with an old man, he's on the downward slope.
is it so unreasonable for him to look to his wife to put him first. isn't that what marriage is, choosing to do that.
he was once lauded and stroked too, now he's nobody's darling.

Lots of really good comments and advice.We see our Grandson 3/4 times a week,I love every minute. He is a well mannered loving little boy.My husband agrees with all this and my Grandson would never know anything was wrong. But I just feel it.I shall chat to my husband again.

Sue 450 I could not read your post and just ignore. What amazing grandparents you are!

My husband is so very well looked after.I have only just recently started to do some things for myself after over 20 years as his full-time carer.Time goes so fast and it's time for me too so I think it's maybe a combination of everything that's getting to him.

Well done Gwan1. Enjoy every minute with your GS. OH needs to grow up and let you have some life of your own or better still join in and reap the rewards when GS is older. Now is the time to build relationships if he doesn't want to be a lonely old sulk.

Sue 450 - what a terrible thing to have happened. Well done for providing a secure, loving home for your GD. I have great admiration for those who bring up their grandchildren (through whatever circumstances),but your situation is particularly heart-breaking.

Gwan1. You are just being honest. You are right to start doing some things for yourself - your wellbeing is just as important as that of your OH.
If you curtailed seeing your GS it would probably just make you resentful.
Explaining to your husband that you will spend the amount of time that you want to with your GS, while maybe trying to find things to praise your OH for and reassuring him how much you care for him too is possibly the best thing to do. All the best.

I think there are two separate areas to think about. Of course having had the stroke , your husband will have a lot of frustration, about the things he can no longer do, or trying to do things and taking a very long time doing something he could do in 5 minutes. So to feel upset and annoyed with that situation is reasonable, and can be understood. However trying to take all your attention, begrudging and spoiling the time you spend with your grandchild is not acceptable nor fair. You need the lovely time with your grandson , for its own pleasure it gives you both, and for the cheering effect that time can have in your ability to cope with all the difficulties you have with your husband,s stroke etc. Ofg course you also know that your grandson will grow up all too quickly and you wont get that time back. Then if you can decide what you want - do you want to have a whole day with grandson or do you like him to be coming in and out as and when it suits? If you work out what YOU would like to happen, then you could talk to your husband and give him some options. NONE of the options include not seeing your grandson. Suppose you would like to have a day out with grandson, so you state that you will be out on thursdays all summer holiday or whatever and then ask whether he would prefer to go to a day centre, or have someone to call in to check on him on that day. That you can arrange to have a lunch left ready to just reheat, or perhaps get someone to bring fish and chips in. So you are giving him some options and respecting he is an adult with the ability to choose, but you are making it clear that you will be seeing your grandson and intend to continue to do so ad infinitum. You might say if there was a problem on one thursday you would meet on a friday instead. This makes it clear that whether he throws a tantrum, gets up to some sneaky tricks to make it difficult for you to leave you will be doing as you chose and he will not stop you. If it descends to a slanging match or sniping from him, you could say very calmly. "It is already difficult to live together since you had the stroke, but I am trying to do my best. If I am to continue to look after you, I need a break and a change, otherwise I may not be able to carry on like this" So there is a certain amount of a veiled threat if he chooses to see it as that, but if he cares for you , he may be pulled up sharp and see life from your viewpoint. Sometimes if we ae coping with something difficult we dont actually consider the effect it has on other people. I cope with quite a lot of pain but actually feel really angry and miserable sometimes when I see people able to walk about and run and I cant do it any more. So my brain can say well they might have other problems or whatever but I really would like to stamp and scream like a two year old ( but of course that would hurt even more!!) I hope this gives you some ideas and you might take some time to work out what would work best for you, but start from that basis What is good for You. Once you know what you want to achieve, you might talk it over with a close friend who could make some suggestions or just agree with you that you re doing the right thing. Then you have that knowledge and whatever he does or doesnt do you have a clear idea of what you need. He will be the loser to have no relationship with his grandson , which is up to him. He has no right to take away or spoil your relationship with your grandson. At the worst , if he still continues to spoil the time then I would go and see grandson at his home or perhaps you might go swimming together or something? that way you dont have someone spoiling things of make you feel you have to constantly avoid this that and the other. Good luck and remember YOU DO HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR GRANDSON. wishing you good luck and better times

I completely understand! I’m in a very controlling marriage and I’m not allowed to have my gc over very rarely. Tho they live 1 min away.

This is the second old thread bbcakes has resurrected today, the other was 2 years old! Is there an ulterior motive here?

When I was a very young child my parents were jealous of the time I spent with my grandmother. There was a family split and I was taken by an aunt to see her on the second sunday of every month.

As I grew older I became aware of the family feud - although not all the reasons behind it until I was 18. I used to sneak off to see my grandmother and simply tell my parents I was going to play out with a friend.

The odd thing is that when my parents themselves became grandparents (of my sisters children) they both took a lot of pleasure in those children. By then my grandmother was dead.

I believe that some personalities do not make "natural" grandparents and you cant force them. They may eventually come around in their own time.

Funny with my parents it was other way round my dad dotted my boys but my mum didn’t have time for them. But as they say they’s nothing as funny has folk