Your day as a newspaper headline

crazyH

Decided I wouldn’t buy another Home Bargains carrier bag (have a whole heap of them at home and always forget to take one with me ). Result ? On my way to my car dropped everything ,and embarrassingly, in front of another car and the driver had to wait while I sheepishly picked up everything, all itty bitty things, ibuprofen tabs, toothpaste, toothbrush post it notes and…….pantiliners. Embarrassing !

Well, s/he could have gotten off their arse and helped instead of waiting, so their fault they had to wait!!

Loose chair cover almost defeats OAP. Eventually finishing her handiwork, foul-mouthed senior sits back with a well-earned cup of tea.

"It almost drove me to drink," admits cheapskate pensioner, "Never again," But she looked across to the other chair and - shock, horror, realised it ought to match.

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, "Maybe next week," she compromised.

Such a fabulous thread…????

Pensioner spots night time intruder in garden.

An elderly woman witnessed an intruder on her CCTV camera. He entered the garden at 4.20am and was described as a 'very handsome chap with a rather cunning expression. He was wearing a thick ginger fur coat and had a very bushy tail.' He proceeded to eat some chicken pieces she had left out and then licked his lips. The plucky pensioner remained calm throughout and said she did not want to bring charges.

Plucky pensioner grits teeth as she grapples with making removable chair covers. "I didn't think it would be this difficult," she grumbled, whilst placing another pin in the hem. Biting off more than she can chew as per usual. Expects to be in a better mood tomorrow,

Happyme

Heroic gran (67) dressed only in nightie and dressing gown rescues son (44) from marauding wasp. Son declared wasp was the largest, ugliest beastie he had ever encountered. The brave pensioner advised that the monster had quietly submitted to being evicted but that during this risky operation the wind blowing up her nightie was right chilly. Hopefully there were no witnesses.

??????????????

Breaking news.
The essex woman in the "new slippers" tragedy is reported to have cut her toenails and found comfort.
She was unavailable to confirm this.

Spinster pensioner rushed to A&E in critical condition.

An elderly woman was taken by ambulance earlier today. The paramedic said "She unwittingly entered a unisex toilet and found herself facing a row of urinals, some of which were in use at the time. She will recover this time but if it happens again it could be fatal."

"I'm devastated" says Essex woman, after reslising her new slippers hurt her big toe.

Woman stumbles out of bed and alarmed to find someone already in en-suite. Then remembers her trip to hairdresser yesterday and paying an incredible amount for a restyle and new colour.

Pensioner fights chocolate addiction.

She explained "Usually it's Christmas and Easter that sets me off, and then I manage to stop again". However, she was spotted putting another two packs of Cadbury's Whispa in her trolley on 4th March.

Woman bitten by a lion, hyena, panther and tyrannosaurus Rex. Luckily no damage done.
Playing with my dgs1 who is 3 and obsessed with dinosaurs.

Heroic woman nobly supports husband's Slimming World journey by selflessly eating up the chocolate brazils she just found in the cupboard, leftover from Christmas.

Somewhat alarmed to work out she's eaten over 1000 calories and there are still some left ?

Struggling with the thought that she could have simply given them to her elderly father, 91, for whom she'd bought them in the first place ?

Oh well...

Pensioner, 66, dubbed fastest grandmother ever seen as she ran with grandson, 4, from imaginary waves of lava engulfing small Yorkshire town.

The plucky pensioner thanked the kind man who complimented her. But admitted that if she was the fastest he’d seen, he needed to get out more.

Elderly woman shocked by male openly defecating in her porch.

Yes, the pheasant again protesting that his food was late. His life is in danger if my husband gets near him, thank goodness he sold his guns when we moved.

Walk in sunshine causes alarm. A silly old woman frantically searched round the retail car park for her car wondering if it had been stolen while she was shopping or she’d just forgotten where she parked it.

She had indeed forgotten where it was parked..2 miles away outside her house ?

Oh Mollygo!

OAP walks to local shop to get newspaper instead of taking the car. By 'eck she thought, these old hips are giving me some gyp.

Woman in a panic as Postman trips and falls backwards off the doorstep.
Owner offered hot sweet tea by neighbours and reassurance that it wasn’t the sight of her that made him fall, he just missed his footing

Bump! ??

Chestnut

Elderly hag covers her face in make-up.

Despite the ordeal of removing it later the hag made a real effort to cover her wrinkles as she had a birthday video call with grandson today.

A glamorous woman (40yrs in her own mind) asked her daughter (40yrs in fact) why the daughter wasn't on the video call. And who was that old woman in the corner who kept smiling? The daughter said she had no idea what she was talking about, they were both on the video call.

Cornish granny prepares for St Piran's Day by eating a cream tea before moving on to a pasty tomorrow.

What was thought to be an elderly Old English Sheepdog was found, on closer inspection, to be an elderly woman huddled in a fake fur coat trying to keep warm and in desperate need of a haircut.

Woman, 73, found dead of hypothermia in her own home as a result of a broken central heating system.

The heating engineer who usually attend to the equipment in the woman's house said that he was unable to attend on this occasion as his van was at the garage and it contained all his equipment and that he currently 'did not even have access to a screwdriver'.

The emergency services were relieved to discover that the bariatric stretcher was not required as had first been feared. The victim was found to be wearing 6 jumpers, 2 t shirts, leggings and fleece lined jogging bottoms and was not, in fact, the size of a baby elephant.

Elderly hag covers her face in make-up.

Despite the ordeal of removing it later the hag made a real effort to cover her wrinkles as she had a birthday video call with grandson today.

Sox maniac at large - OAP's knitting needles are still rattling away.