Your day as a newspaper headline

Woman Held Hostage in Own Bed

Earlier this evening an unnamed woman was held hostage by a particularly nasty individual in her own bed.

Whenever the woman, who only admitted to being "21 and a bit", tried to escape the hostage taker let loose a string of vile invectives. The brave woman was finally able to evade her captor when he demanded food with menaces.

Translation: This evening I went to bed early and was pratting about on the internet when my lovely but bossy Birman decided to stretch out on my legs. Every time I tried to shift position I was (loudly) scolded.

Eventually a certain young gentleman decided he wanted a late night snack and I was free!

Pensioner finds that, amazingly, the words on her score of Elijah have shrunk to half their size since she last sang it, 4 years ago.

Housesitting granny goes back to her own home and realises she’s left her trousers behind. Has to message returning occupant of house to inform them that they were, in fact, over trousers and that she did drive home fully clothed…(although did, when realising that she wasn’t wearing said trousers, have to check that she was wearing leggings and not pyjamas).

Jumper hoarder is a repeat offender . She bought three more jumpers to-day her excuse was that the price was so good in Matalan and they were so soft and cuddly . It is not known where she will store them as cupboards are already full .

This thread has made me laugh out loud, 67 year old female announces.

Woman finds her two large cats Googling 'Offcat' contact details. Knee privileges withdrawn.

Woman listens to an old friend talk non stop for three hours. Woman was heard to remark 'It's a good job I love her'. Woman's husband was heard to say 'She's like a Gatling gun'.

Old woman goes out for a newspaper but accidently adds a pack of nine mini hot cross buns to basket and scoffs the lot. Stubbornly refuses to weigh herself to avoid disappointment.

LadyGaGa

Second Derby Woman Neglects Elderly Cat.

Black and white cat Rosie (15) given Aldi treats despite owner (60) knowing full well that Cheesy Dreamies are the only acceptable offering. Rosie has reported the incident to Offcat due to the repeated incidents of feline neglect in the area. If any cats have been affected by this distressing story, please contact the helpline for support and advice.

This is hilarious ? Offcat! I must tell my Ds cat about this as she often complains to me about late teas.

Second Derby Woman Neglects Elderly Cat.

Black and white cat Rosie (15) given Aldi treats despite owner (60) knowing full well that Cheesy Dreamies are the only acceptable offering. Rosie has reported the incident to Offcat due to the repeated incidents of feline neglect in the area. If any cats have been affected by this distressing story, please contact the helpline for support and advice.

Local woman prepares tonight’s dinner straight after breakfast. She likes to be organised.

Woman collapses suddenly whilst walking down High Street.

When she came round she said it was the shop's fault. She caught sight of an old hag in the window display which frightened her.

'Local woman ignores cruel lure of chocolate'

Woman (63) risks serious illness. She has two slices of toast for breakfast.

As woman takes in washing which is nearly dry, she sees geese flying north for the first time this year. Is spring coming??!

(That's actually a headline from yesterday - today the washing would end up in Aberdeen if I hung it out.)

Elderly woman staring at computer states "This is the best thread for ages!"

Elderly woman says, “this is the final straw. Not just gas and electricity prices are going up, but SAM99 is now SAM POUNDLAND”

Wife attempts to set fire to house while DH on an online course.

DH blames it on the wife seeking attention.

Wife blames it on opening fireplace door and smoke alarm being too sensitive.

75 year old grandfather 'terrified' after wife threatens to seize control of the TV remote control.

The elderly pensioner claims that his wife has been making increasingly hostile threats, and he fears that if she succeeds, she will totally deactivate the TV.

His wife was unavailable for comment. She is currently thought to be hunkered down in her summerhouse, where, it is suspected, she is planning her next move.

"Bluetit courageously defends seed feeder from sparrow."

In addition:

"Spat breaks out between feathered brethren at peanut butter feeder."

Best ever !

This thread is wonderful!?

???

Sausage 2 so funny.