A long time friend (we have known each other for over 60 years) has been financing her daughters divorce (4 years and counting as they can't agree terms!). She is now talking about selling her house in order to continue to pay the solicitor/barrister bills and has suggested moving in with me.
Whilst it is true I do have room I am a very private person and although I enjoy meeting up with people I also enjoy closing my door and having my "alone" time. I am in my late 70s and my friend is in her 80s and not in the best of health and I am worried I could end up becoming her carer - something I don't want to do.
As she is currently paying a large part of her daughter's mortgage I suggested if she does sell up (which I have advised her against) she could move in with her daughter but her daughter has vetoed that idea!
Today I have received a phone call from a mutual friend who has tried to convince me to take her in - I am holding out but am beginning to feel like I am being selfish and letting my friend down.
No way are you being selfish. Continue to stand your ground. You have a right to spend your life as you wish. This situation isn’t your problem. And no need for a guilt trip of any kind!
With friends like yours, who needs enemies? The friend who wants you to take the other one in has o bviously been primed / bribed. You owe her nothing - if anything, her daughter, for who she is making this sacrifice, owes her a room in the new house... also, how dare they presume that you will obey them and give up your privacy? If necessary, do not speak to any of them ever again. Tell them that you refuse, and that is your last comnment to them if they open their mouths again. They cannoy guilt you into ruining your peace of mind and heart.
No, No, No, No!!!!!
I don’t think you’re being selfish. I think your ‘friendship’ might well be tested if you open your home to this ‘friend’ who feels she can impose herself on you when her own daughter won’t offer her a home but is willing to take the money. I love my family and friends visiting but I also like being on my own and doing what I want. Sharing my home with anyone would be a disaster
Absolutely you are not being selfish. I too value my space and alone time I think that’s very normal.
What on earth is happening for a divorce to take 4 years. My very difficult husband was still forced to settle in a quarter of that time, with him being as difficult as possible. 4 years is ridiculous. What a selfish madam expecting her mother to finance it!
Tell your other friend to mind her own business. I too have a friend of 60 years, I love her to bits but would not want to live full time with her, or her with me.
No, not selfish. Just gently explain that you are not able to share as you like your own space. We all do at our age especially if one has been on one's own for a while. Sharing is not easy when one has been used to being on one's own. All sorts of things start to irritate and you certainly don't want to be her carer. Tell your third friend to put pressure on her daughter not you. If anyone is being selfish it is her not youyspecially as she is funding the divorce and selling her house. It's the least the daughter can do.
I would not do this. Friends are not family.
Definitely definitely definitely please say No!!
Slightly different scenario and some GN’s May remember my situation a few years ago. A female friend of my husband’s was losing her rented lodgings due to the house being sold and my husband asked if she could stay with us “ for a couple of weeks until she gets something “
A year later after I had struggled with lots of issues about it, I had to be very ruthless and insist she moved on. It took a couple of months for her to find something suitable but the huge sigh of relief when she did go was audible all over the city I think!!
Do not give in to this awful situation you find yourself in, be strong, apart from your longstanding friendship you owe her nothing at all.
No, your home is for you, and no one else. If you did let her live with you - Suppose you die and she’s left there ? What would happen then? Protect your assets and stand your ground.
Is your friend seriously considering selling her house, disposing of all her furniture and possessions, paying her daughter's legal fees and mortgage, and coming to live with you in one room as a paying lodger? Really? Or is it a short term solution while she downsizes? Either way, don't touch it with a bargepole.
That said, I have a group of friends (2 widows, 4 divorcees and one wife who claims to hate her husband) who are considering buying a block of retirement flats so they can all live next to each other and share facilities. My idea of hell. Two have opted out already!
WadesNan
All the advice here is absolutely right and I wholeheartedly agree. A true friend wouldn’t put you in the position of having to say no, so, this kind of friend (nor the mutual one) will be no real loss. Definitely stand your ground.
Please stick to your guns! She is not your responsibility and people should not be trying to guilt you into sharing your home with her. The fact that her daughter won't share her home with her mother speaks volumes, and the mother is only in this position as she's paying to support the daughter get her divorce! You are not being selfish in the least so never think that.
You are not being selfish at all. Her daughter and her have got themselves into this situation so it is up to THEM to get them selves out if it. Her daughter is being the worse one and it looks like she is out to get every thing and doesn't care eho gets in the way of her doing it. The one your friend needs to move in with is her daughter.
To be honest I would risk losing your friendship to point out to this woman how manipulative and emotionally abusive her daughter is being.
She seems to have no regard for her mother's feelings, or financial security, and is prepared to see her left in an extremely precarious situation in order to get her hands on even more money.
Your friend is about to make a very foolish and far reaching decision.
Perhaps if your friend was not financing her daughter's divorce they would have reached an understanding years ago. My divorce took six years mainly because my ex refused to respond to any letters or meeting requests until I took him to court. Getting the divorce in court tends to focus attention on the finances seems the only ones making money are the legal teams in this case.
It seems to me that if , IF! you agreed to this , then you would, maybe indirectly, financing her daughters divorce?
no! stay as you are! you are not being selfish.
The daughter also sound like if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. No doubt she'd soon persuade her mum to have a spare key to your house cut and she'll be letting herself in anytime she likes, staying for meals and basically taking liberties.
Wow, don’t feel bad about your feelings. In this situation it seems you’re the only person NOT being selfish. It’s outrageous that in your 70s these people all around you expect you to take on these types of responsibilities. Not saying you’re not capable because of your age, just that this is your time (and money) to spend it however you please. The main problem on all of this is your friends daughter. She’s relying on her Mum to spend all this money and ultimately give up her home for her and is prepared to do nothing in return. Your friend needs to tell her to take some responsibility in one form or another, either fund her own divorce or take in her Mother and as for the mutual “friend”, if she feels so strongly about her friend being out of a home, perhaps she should take her in!
No no and no again! None of us on this site has much time left on this earth. By all means continue to support your friend but no way let her move in with you! That daughter needs some very direct talking to!
Oh no! This sounds like arecipe for disaster - if your mutualf friend feels it is a good idea to take this lady in, let her do it. It would be life changing for you.
Absolutely not! It is unfair of her to put this pressure on you. Explain that you like your private time and cannot see yourself sharing your home. If she is a true friend she will understand.
I wonder very much that the daughter does not see her own actions as selfish. You certainly aren't responsible for other peoples' mismanagement of their lives which then cause them problems. I also wonder if the mutual friend was approached for similar help and would like to pass the problem on to you!
Not much of a friend if she is putting you into this position also other so called friend asking you to take her in ask them if so big on the idea why don’t they take her in. Just tell her we are friends and I will support you in your choices but I have to say no about living together as it would put too much stress on us both and I have to say no to the idea. If you can’t tell her in person put it in writing. I’d say find new friends
Do not do this. You are not obliged or should feel compelled to give your reason why.
If your friend was to move in with you and you then died (one of you will die first) then she would become homeless as your next of kin would obviously sell your property. Tell her you will not invite her to live with you for this reason and also that you prefer living alone. As you are her friend do caution her not to sell her home and risk her own security in this way- especially for a daughter who would let her do it!
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