Please tell me I am not being selfish!

Imo you would be mad to even consider this. It's not your problem to solve, you don't want to do it, do not feel guilty. "No that doesn't work for me" is the best thing to say. Do not offer reasons as they will try to counter those and talk you round. Just repeat the "no" as needed. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep sometime else warm".

She will have to see an IFA if she’s considering equity release. I have a feeling that she’s being conned over the divorce fees.

Is it certain that all the money the mother is giving her daughter is going towards the divorce?
Could you persuade the mother to see an independent financial advisor because it sounds as though she is approaching financial disaster if she is prepared to sell her house to raise funds, or consider equity release.

The thought did occur to me too.

Perhaps he has, who knows? Assuming of course that the daughter is telling the truth about this marathon divorce and not pocketing the ‘fees’.

How about the solicitor advising client that it’s in her interests that this case, which has dragged on and cost far too much fir too long, is concluded.

You can’t blame the solicitor and say he’s greedy, he’s following the daughter’s instructions and probably wondering what he did to deserve such a client. She must be the laughing stock of the office.

If the daughter had kept the 4 years worth of money that her mum had given her instead of handing over to a greedy solicitor who is laughing his head off, she would have been divorced years ago and wouldn’t needed to fight over money with her STBXH because she would have all the cash her mum had given her . They are just throwing good money after bad ?‍♀️

Four years to get divorced is ridiculous. For certain this issue has been caused by the mother of daughter pumping money into solicitors pockets who are more than happy to drag this out. What a ridiculous pair of idiots if neither mother or daughter can’t see this.
You friend shouldn’t budge one bit from her home and stop this ££££ farce now.

WadesNan

Met up with my friend yesterday - had a good long talk and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be willing for her to move in. She now says she only asked because she thought I would like the company and has accepted it isn't going to happen. She is now talking about raising money by Equity Release. I am trying to persuade her this is not a good idea and that she should tell her daughter she isn't going to supply any more money. Not sure if she will take my advice

To be clear, it has always been her idea to help her daughter financially - which in my opinion is why the daughter is so fiscally irresponsible (Mum is always there to bail her out).

Once again thanks for all the support and advice

So gladf it is sorted out amicably re her moving in.

Re tje daughter/mother financial arrangements ...you say that it has always been her idea to help her daughter financially! Is there any possibility that she THINKS it is her idea but the idea is actually being "planted\" by the daughter?

It is very worrying that she is basically using all her financial resources (even more so with equity release) to finance her daughter!!

Oh goodness yes. Harriet Walter was in the latest version. Unbelievably sad. Even when she was sitting in a miserable bedsit with barely a penny to her name she couldn't admit that her son had taken her for every penny she had.

This is like one of the Alan Bennett Talking Heads plots, the one with the wonderful Stephanie Cole, sitting in a bleak rented seaside flat talking about her son's investments.

WadesNan It happens so often, doting parents want to protect their children from every cold wind and end up either as domestic slaves or pouring their money into the ever open hands of the coddled child

It never ends well, upset parents post on GN because their beloved child is behaving selfish and being nasty when parents have to call a halt because of ill health or because the bank of Mum and Dad, often just the Bank of Mum, is broke.

Glad it's sorted out with no animosity. I think your friend has behaved foolishly in handing over so much money to her daughter. Did the daughter veto the whole idea of her mother selling her home, or just the coming to live with her part? If the former then I supp she can't be blamed for the whole situation.

NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If your friend is foolish enough to fund her daughters divorce that is her problem , I love my daughters and would support them as best I could - but selling my house to facilitate that would not happen and I know they would not expect it!
This is so wrong , “screw your courage to the sticking point “ Macbeth ! and you won’t fail. Be brave just say NO.

I can see you just wanted support and reassurance from GN and I’m sure you won’t let her past your door. Privacy is a hard fought for asset these days. I once took pity on a friend from our local church and she moved in to my tidy house. I was often away working but I came home early once and was horrified by the state of the place ….. clothes hung all over the floor and 4 days washing up stinking in the sink (I had a dishwasher!) etc, when I reproached her about it she said I should have warned her I was coming home. That was the final straw. I cowardly told her my family was coming to stay and she suddenly found the funds to rent a rather plush flat with beautiful sea views. No thank you or invite to her house warming. I learned a lesson. Not seen her since. No loss.

Oh dear. This really isn't helping the daughter financially is it? It's putting money in lawyers' pockets totally unnecessarily. I hope you will mention to her that she may be considered to have deliberately deprived herself of assets if she needs care, in which case the local authority will seek to retrieve money from the daughter.

Anyway, glad you've managed to shift her from 'Plan A'!

Glad you have cleared the air, and it is resolved.

What a feckless lass her DD is - Mum is "always there to bail her out" at the expense of Mum's own finances. My DDs would never dream of this. Let us hope that you can encourage her to concern herself with her own needs a bit more.

Met up with my friend yesterday - had a good long talk and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be willing for her to move in. She now says she only asked because she thought I would like the company and has accepted it isn't going to happen. She is now talking about raising money by Equity Release. I am trying to persuade her this is not a good idea and that she should tell her daughter she isn't going to supply any more money. Not sure if she will take my advice

To be clear, it has always been her idea to help her daughter financially - which in my opinion is why the daughter is so fiscally irresponsible (Mum is always there to bail her out).

Once again thanks for all the support and advice

Merryweather

That sounds like my idea of hell. Like you, I like company but also my alone time in my house where my things are where I left them is absolutely a priority. It is not selfish to want or need this space. What is selfish is expecting your parents to pay your mortgage and finance your divorce then vetoing your own mother - your financial aide, to live with you is extremely selfish. I can’t believe the gall of anyone saying otherwise. No one should be pressuring you to get involved in this chaos.

Not your circus, not your monkeys!!!!!

Stay strong.

I love this saying, what a wonderful phrase and perfect for this situation.
Has the OP come back to us and updated us on what is happening?

Not selfish at all. You are obviously a lovely person to be even contemplating assisting your friend. She could end up living with you for the rest of her life as her money diminishes in legal fees. NO. NO. NO.
You should not have been asked.

That sounds like my idea of hell. Like you, I like company but also my alone time in my house where my things are where I left them is absolutely a priority. It is not selfish to want or need this space. What is selfish is expecting your parents to pay your mortgage and finance your divorce then vetoing your own mother - your financial aide, to live with you is extremely selfish. I can’t believe the gall of anyone saying otherwise. No one should be pressuring you to get involved in this chaos.

Not your circus, not your monkeys!!!!!

Stay strong.

No, nor selfish at all. You are being mugged.

Good luck. stick it out You would end up a carer as the health problems she has more than likely to get worse Luckily you are in good health but you do not know what is round the corner .Her daughter is very selfish and obviously not prepared to look after her elderly mother(ashamed on her)she is milking her dry

Could we have an update please? How did you get on with this dreadful daughter expecting YOU to take on her responsibilities. If she makes her mother homeless, then the mother is really stupid to allow it. You are not being unreasonable, it is your home and you are happy as you are, so do not give it any more thought, just say it would not work for you.