Asking someone how they are

I have just had a training session with the Samaritans this morning and understand more than ever how much difference a listening ear makes. If you do not want people to offload do not ask. If you do ask be prepared to listen and to focus on the person talking. It could make all the difference to them and their life. If you are feeling drained afterwards talk to friend about your experience in other words get support with your feelings yourself or do something nice for the rest of the day. The day may well come when you will be desperately glad of someone listening to you offload.

Thank you for all your interesting replies. I like the idea of saying good to see you instead of how are you. Whilst I am happy to listen to and give support to my family and close friends, I don't always want to hear the ins and outs of an acquittance's life and what is happening to their friends whom I do not know. There is as many of you say a fine balance because a lot of people are lonely and enjoy talking to other people even if they don't know them very well. Food for thought!

I think we probably all need to guard against a tendency to talk too long about ourselves and our doings when we meet others, - I know I have to be very careful to answer briefly and then ask the person I have just met, how he or she is.

I don't thing it is specifically an age related thing. To me it happens when a person doesn't often get the chance to talk to others, which can happen at any age, if you are unemployed for instance, or work somewhere where there is not really time for social chit-chat.

If you run into one of those who talk too long about themselves, or a problem that is bothering them, then all you can do is say politely, "Sorry to interupt, but I really must be on my way now. Nice seeing you." and go.

That is so interesting about the greeting in China- thank you for sharing it

My lovely dad always used to say "Mustn't grumble" with a grin, even when he clearly wasn't up to much.

It used to be the case that a couple of pub bores would tell you, in excruciating detail.
But nowadays there are many isolated and worried - not to mention genuinely unwell - people.
Is it too much trouble to give them a moment of your time?
At times when time is too short, maybe find a greeting that doesn't call for an answer.

I have said "pleased to hear it, but how are you" when someone has answered "I'm good" especially if they are family. What I have wanted to say, but haven't, is "how do I do what?"

Plus, a few years ago, I found a way to get rid of cold callers. A man called and asked how I was. So I said, which was true, I was not feeling too well. He immediately put the phone down. Well, he did ask.

Unfortunately no one burdens anyone with how really feeling which is quite sad because I’m guilty of it too if anyone asks me how you feeling i smile and say im fine even if I just want to sit down and cry. But I seem to have done that a lot since covid came into our lives.

gillyjp

I get really irritated when people respond with 'I'm good thanks'. I'm sure it's an Americanism that quite a few are using now especially the young. I think 'fine thanks' is fine!

“I’m good” is an Americanism that is thankfully going out of fashion. A little while ago, if l asked any of my teenage pupils how they were l would get the “I’m good” answer. To which I was always tempted to reply (but never quite had the nerve): “I’m glad you are behaving yourself but how are you.”

I always say “hi nice to see you “ that doesn’t really leave room for a great personal deluge. If some one asks how I am, I always say fine, wether I am or not because really there are only 4 people that I would be comfortable sharing personal things with

My standard reply when asked 'How are You' is 'Nay se bad' which was my Doric speaking Gran's standard reply. She explained to me that to say everything was fine was to tempt fate. Nay se Bad usually raises a smile and perhaps a comment that they have not heard the expression for a long time, which diverts the conversation away from being a health check.

I get really irritated when people respond with 'I'm good thanks'. I'm sure it's an Americanism that quite a few are using now especially the young. I think 'fine thanks' is fine!

As one of the 'guilty' here I thought I'd own up and say I caught myself going into minute detail - to close friends I hadn't seen for ages - about what has been the very worst 2 years of my life and still evolving in that way. However, I did realise I was doing it inappropriately and have arranged to join a relevant support group so as not to burden my friends. Unfortunately another crisis involving one of the youngsters meant I missed the first meeting of the group. I appreciate very much those who have commented about the isolation and difficulties which might lead to this type of behavior.

Maybe I have got too literal in my old age, but I hate lying when I answer ‘fine’. I am not but don’t want to go into it.

Sometimes I don’t answer but say ‘ Isn’t the weather nice and dry today?’. Or some other positive saying.

I tend to be truthful but try to add something cheering. So at the moment major problems with my leg and painful and cant walk well etc. So if asked how I am I reply my leg is still being a pain but at least it is lovely and sunny today which is nice, or but it is great to be out in the garden. I wont be the boy who cried wolf, but to say fine when I obviously am not is too much of a lie and makes the conversation unworthy. . Another thing that happens is when people say to you can I do anything for you , or can I get something for you, but it is so vague that unless someone has a specific need at that time they dont feel able to ask for help.. So if I see someone who is struggling I try and offer a specific help, so I am going to the shop do you want the local paper, or do you need any bread? I think it works quite well as the other person can say yes no or suggest that I bring them some milk instead or whatever. Anyway seems to work ok for me

Making an assumption you mean someone in particular instead of generally. It's fair to protect yourself if you feel drained after a discussion. The art is to politely not start the conversation using something like "What a lovely day" "Good to see you I'm just on my way to catch a bus, get my hair done etc. Let's catch up another time". Body language can indicate you are in a hurry.

I am quite happy for anyone to open up if they are feeling in need of a chat, but do get cross when you listen to all their problems be it health or otherwise and realise they are not interested in me at all - find there are a lot of people like that these days

welll...it used to be and still is a meaningless form of polite address, a kind of 'stroke' not understood to be a meaningful question. But many many people are irritated by the meaningless and actually want a meaningful conversation which is not what was invited...hence the clash. I think both sides are right. Sometimes to answer 'Fine thanks' is seen as a brush off...and sometimes a real answer is seen as a bore.

I asked a lovely friend how she was and she asked me if I wanted the standard reply or the real one. I had plenty of time and wanted to know so I said the real one, but she was genuinely giving me a choice in case I needed to hurry off. Definitely a lovely person.

I have the kind of face that seems to attract strangers and their problems, even if I haven’t said a word!! Getting into a lift on Sunday, a complete stranger told me that it was her first trip out following hip surgery and she was planning a coffee stop with cake later.
I didn’t mind - I could’ve been the only person she’d spoken to in days. I’m rarely in such a hurry that I have to be abrupt or short with people.

Thanks for asking.. oh you didn’t want to know? I think you know the answer….

With casual acquaintances and neighbours it tends to be:
"How are you?"
"OK thanks. And you?"
"Yes OK."
This exchange then becomes a general moan about how hard the last two years have been, what a mess the country is in etc.
My mother's response to such encounters and enquiries was always "Mustn't grumble". A more stalwart generation I think. I and many of my generation are much more likely to be up for a good old grumble.

If I met someone who I wouldn't class as a good friend I would say....How you doing.....Usual reply would be....Fine hows you....I'm good thanks I'd say with a smile...

I’ve noticed it is a generational thing, a teenager or someone younger than 50 wouldn’t pour it all out. Well that’s my experience anyway. I’m ok with it to be honest if it makes them feel better as long as I’m not in a rush I’ll give them there 10 minutes to offload.

FINE when someone replies that to me always tempted to say whole word or any particular letter
F----Fed up
I----Insecure
N---Neurotic
E----Emotional