Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

Selfcare is not selfish! Perhaps you misunderstood each others meaning of the words.

It's easily done as its a common misunderstanding. Alot of people don't understand the difference or know the difference of self-care and selfish.

There has to be an amount of selfcare to do your best at anything in life.

Whether or not it as anything to do with their poor relationship is anyone guess.

Not all adult children carry on a close relationship with their parents when they grow up. That can be for many reasons.

Sometimes it can be personalities, adult children can be indifferent. Not always because of background.

I'm fortunate that I have a close loving relationship with my youngsters.

However, part of their childhood wasn't easy, just as mine hadn't been. I/we went through an extremely acrimonious divorce to the ex who was abusive. He is not in their lives anymore, and hasnt been for 20 years.

Yes I worked with them to rebuild our shattered lives. Then their is the opposite side which I see through my work I see the other side.

Not about making judgments as every case is different

Whatever line you take is wrong in someone's eyes. Those who look 'soignee' are 'heartless bitches', those who don't have 'let themselves go' etc. You just have to do what you can live with and try to be fair to self, partner and children - of course not possible all the time.

I don’t think the degree of how selfless / selfish you are necessarily decides how good your relationship with your children will be. If you are nagging or over anxious it won’t compensate if you put yourself last all the time. Children are often proud of mothers who are pretty, well dressed, are successful in their careers etc, even if achieving this may seem a bit selfish. I think other aspects of personality can be more important to relationships with kids such as being cheerful and positive and not being over critical of them, and not expecting them to be grateful for sacrifices you have made.

My mother was quite selfish and often put her own needs before those of her children, but being ‘selfless’ can’t be good either. I think prioritising the needs (not wants) of small children is a must, but as they grow surely we need to demonstrate how to ‘give and take’?

Juggling disparate needs is a cornerstone of good relationships that I think children need to learn in the home. I could have ‘selflessly’ washed and ironed and cooked and cleaned for my children until they left home, but instead I taught them how to do those things from a young age. It made my life slightly easier, but also encouraged them to take responsibility for themselves, so that by the time they left home they had acquired the necessary skills to be healthily independent.

My children are now raising their own children in ways that emulate their own upbringing (thanks in no small part to my lovely son/daughter-in-law) and I take that as an endorsement that, in spite of me making inevitable mistakes along the way, my children approved of and enjoyed their own childhoods

My own mantra was to parent differently from my own mother in just about everything! ?

I think there’s a balance. I put the welfare of my children first, but they always knew that I, and others, had feelings too.

I think parenting has its own territory of 2 way love and respect. I come from an era where it seemed natural to want to give your 'kids' a better life than you had, a 24/7 obligation. Not particularly selfish or selfless, just love and caring.

Tooyouongtobeagrandma you have put in the work and done the best you could under difficult circumstances . . . now it is time for you . . . I wish you all the best.

Kate1949 It has been my experience as a therapist, that selfish people seldom make good parents. However, what you, and TwiceasNice mentioned is correct. Children of selfish parents will adore these parents, and continue to crave that parent's love way into old age. The selfish parent who left is adored, whilst the parent who stayed and put in the love and the hard work is sometimes not as valued, or taken for granted. Unfortunately, this can also have a negative impact on the type of partners they themselves choose.

Still put my adult children first. And my grandchildren. Would change arrangements to help them out.

Am spending my time with good friends....etc

I was a selfless mother and now have very little relationship with my AC. I put up with years of coercive control from their father but kept everything "normal" for them. I took the decision to divorce him once they had both left home and were settled. They now see him as the injured party and he controls them with money. For my own mental health I have had to step away from them as they can be very spiteful at times and I'm no longer willing to put up with it. My ex had a new eonan in his life before we were even divorced and according to my one AC she is wonderful and they are very happy. I have chosen to remain single for now and an dreading my time with goid friends, taking holidays when I want and getting fit. As got my AC they may see the light one they may not but I cannot let them affect what time I have left.

I agree with you Sago. My priority was always for my children, and I could never understand mothers who couldn’t wait for children to go back to school after holidays. I did pass up on opportunities for myself, but have never resented that - the time with them passes so quickly. It was a proud moment for me when DS’s tutor said it was obvious he had a stable background - he didn’t there were lots of troubles at home leading to divorce and afterwards. I felt that the effort I had put in was vindicated

Depends what you mean by ‘selfless’. I’d say I would almost always put my children’s needs first, but not necessarily their wishes.

For several years when our children were all young, I had a friend who was an absolute doormat/slave to hers. To me that was the awful warning - I was never going to do the same.

We all parent differently, I too has to work as no real choice, but I did(& still do) out my children first whenever possible & certainly mostly before my own needs, but that was my choice and I have, in the main, great relationships with my four adult children and my adult step daughter

As others say, it’s a total balancing act. As a single mum, my 3 never went without, they had love and security but were never spoilt, they had boundaries etc but sometimes my needs came before theirs. We are allowed to have our own needs and our kids need to accept others needs too. My 3 have all grown up incredibly successful and very decent people. I have 2 close friends, who were very affluent, the kids always came 1st and had absolutely everything that money could buy, holidays abroad etc Sadly for all 4 of those indulged children they’ve all grown up with alcohol, drugs, relationship and gambling issues. So it seems that if the kids always come 1st, it does not prepare them for life’s ups and downs, and their coping mechanisms are just not there when life does not go their way.

I think, as an adult, it’s important not to rely only on your children for fulfilment. It’s not fair on them. All children are individuals and what suits one child, won’t suit another. It’s about balance. I strive for mutual affection, respect and kindness. I resented my own mother for her over bearing and controlling behaviour (I’ve come to realise she had mental health issues) and would rather have her neglect that the all encompassing adoration that smothered my youngest brother. It’s about balance. Our children didn’t ask to be born and for that, we owe them! We also owe it to them to expect it’s a two way street. I’ve sacrificed for my children, without resentment.

I think that you have to put your children first to some extent , as you need to in any relationship to make it work. Many of us do that without thinking about it, often following what our own mother .
You only have to look at some of the members of the government that were raised by nannies and then packed off to boarding school as soon as the parents that puttheir children first either by choice or tradition !

When my children were young they were my whole life....I worked part time and we had loads of time to do all the fun things children love....We weren't like the Waltons and during teenage years had our fair share tantrums but I always told them how much I loved them....They are both parents themselves now and we are still as close today....Unconditional love ! and lots of it is a must when bringing up a family....xxx

I agree with smileless 2012 - we want to set a good example to our children and bring them up as loving independent people whore able to make considered decisions for themselves that is not done by showing them to be a good mum you need to be selfless. Your relationship with your children does not hinge on whether you have been a selfless mother but on so many other things.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

I certainly never did this, but I also never lay in bed congratulating myself on being a perfect mother.

Like the majority of us, I was a fair to middling mother, but most of all, my children felt secure and loved.

SuzieHi

MissAdventure
It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.
Agree!
Agree x2

MissAdventure

It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.

Agree!

Like others here, I think it has to be a balance. Having chosen to become a mother, I did things for my children without thinking of it, including balancing a household budget to be able to include sports, dance, school trips etc. My DH and I never had a trip or even weekend away by ourselves until youngest was in his teens. Money for post secondary schooling was squirreled away, and nary a pedicure was enjoyed.

How does that compare to some modern mums? When I see all the puffed lips, fake fingernails and 'girl weekends' away, I wonder if there is some money in savings accounts for children as well.

But I (or we, as parents) are not slaves to our children. We had limits on gifts, rides home at all hours, expected them to pay for some of their post-secondary education costs. I hope and think that we have their respect, and know we have their love.

But I would never make any large life-changing decisions without taking my children into consideration. I know one divorced woman who left for a better job in another city, leaving full time custody with her ex. I would have struggled on less money to stay close to them. Nonetheless, she still maintains a very good relationship with them now as adults.

*think

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were? No, Lathyrus, you're not. I also thing I should have stuck to my guns about not wanting children and not given in to the social pressure to have a family.