Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

No.

Could well be. I had to work when my child was young, no choice, but I always did what I could within those confines to put his needs above mine. I made sacrifices and I have no regrets about that. My Mum always put herself last so it probably came naturally to me. I have a very close relationship with my son.
I’m exactly the same with my dog. Her needs come first, she is always fed before we eat.

It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.

I can see that some young women struggle with the selfless notion of motherhood but for me it never was. They don’t want to sacrifice themselves on the “altar of motherhood.” ( I saw this in my workplace before I retired and was sad for their

Personally this has paid off now through the loving and caring relationship I have with my offspring.

We don’t live in each other’s pockets but when we’re together it’s relaxed and loving. We cherish those times.

Should read “sad for their children.”

I think there has been a bit of a self care generation and I've read accounts from mums saying it is up to children to fit into their lives.. Which makes me a bit uncomfortable.

My mum was abusive so I think it puts me in a slightly influenced view as she always put her wants and needs before mine and was always either using me as an emotional crutch or putting me down to feel better about herself (think bully).

Still that doesn't mean I think the opposite is true. I think that parents can sacrifice for their children but still make time for self care...

I don't think it's either or, more a balance

I don't think you have to and to be honest, I don't even think it's good for children for their parents to do this. Unfortunately, I think most of us are pretty selfless as parents these days. It is the way we parent now.

I think relationships are to do with personalities. I don't think within the realms of 'normal' there is any right or wrong, most people do what they have to do within the circumstances they find themselves in.

I dont think you have to be completely selfless but selfish is a different matter. If you choose to have children then their needs should come first. I don't think this means that you can't retain a sense of self but I do think your child's wellbeing should be paramount.

GagaJo

I don't think you have to and to be honest, I don't even think it's good for children for their parents to do this. Unfortunately, I think most of us are pretty selfless as parents these days. It is the way we parent now.

I think this selfless generation is probably a direct result of the self care generation and why there is so much friction between the two... Even though the first cannot see that the second is a direct result of their approach

I know someone who left her husband and four children (the youngest was 6) with her husband who she said was violent, for another man. The man died, as did her next husband. She now has another husband. Her children are grown up now and appear to think the world of her. She never put them first in any way. It was all about what she wanted.

Selfless in putting children's welfare above everything else, yes.

But it's important to retain a sense of your own self worth and do things for yourself too, otherwise you are role-modelling being a doormat.

We see on here also the results of never putting yourself first.
Worn out grandparents, handing out money to unappreciative adult children, worn out by childminding, and behaving like doormats.
Not for me, thanks.

Kate1949

I know someone who left her husband and four children (the youngest was 6) with her husband who she said was violent, for another man. The man died, as did her next husband. She now has another husband. Her children are grown up now and appear to think the world of her. She never put them first in any way. It was all about what she wanted.

Yes, my bloke's ex wife left him for another man. She was pregnant within 2 weeks of starting the affair and left her current children with my bloke, saying there was no room for them at her new house with her new man and their new baby.

The two older children adore her. She can do no wrong, whereas my bloke, their father who was always there for them and was very selfless with them, is an afterthought.

I don't think it's true that abandoned (now adult) children worship the poorer parent. I think it is more likely to be the case that they crave validation. It is quite difficult, even as an adult, accepting that the only people who should love you warts and all, actually don't love you at all - or only love you on their terms.

MissAdventure I think there is a big difference between being over indulgent and selfless.

Our children have never had us over a barrel and they will probably never know some of the sacrifices we made, that’s the way it should be.

I knew someone who was a very cruel, selfish mother. Yet her adult children did everything they could to gain approval. She withheld to the end. I sometimes feel that parents who bend over backwards lose some respect of their children. But there's no simple answer.

I agree with MissAdventure

I did put my children first, they were my priority and I now have a great relationship with them. I still did some stuff for myself but more when they were older and more independent.

My mother was very selfish and had severe MH issues and I swore I wouldn’t be like her.

In my job as a therapist I have worked with many women who still crave, as an adult the attention of a selfish mother

I prided myself on being an entirely selfless mother .

Pride comes before a fall .

I've spent three of the last four Christmasses alone and I won't get a card on Mother's Day .

A card at Christnas and on my birthday would have been nice .
When people ask me about my children - I have to hold back the tears .

I'm really grateful that the neighbours have stopped asking me .

This is largely due to my "preoccupation "with looking after their grandfather .

It's very strange isn't it Gagajo?

Esmay. Unfortunately yours is not an isolated case from what I hear.

I agree with MissA too. There needs to be a balance and as has already been said, there's a difference between being selfless and selfish.