Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

I don't think I was a selfless mother, but I loved having my children and it wasn't a hardship. Since they settled with partner and spouse I have learned they realised the struggles I went through with a feckless/ absent/divorced father and appreciate them, and we have a good relationship. Worth everything.

No, the selfless mums, tend to be the ones who then sacrifice themselves to their children when they are adult and wonder why their children treat them as doormats.

I taught my children that we function as a family and it means everyone has their place and their independence and we need to be prepared to not expect our own way all the time and sometimes give other people precedence. That meant, I provided a taxi service taking them to and from usicc lessons, dancing, gym etc and for two years they had to accept that for one day a week in term time, they would be taken to some mutual friends at 7.00am, who would give them breakfast, take them to school and collect and feed them in the evening until I came to collect them about 7.00pm while I was doing a day release course to get fully qualified in my profession.

I see my DS and DDiL doing exactly the same thing. I have a very happy relationship with my AC. We are going on holiday together twice this year, mainly at their request.

Lathyrus, Doodledog, ????

????

How about when my six year old announced “I’m going to play Mummies” and picked up a briefcase and shut herself in my study?
?

My daughter had a Playmobil dolls' house, and the dad doll spent literally all his time on the loo with a newspaper, whilst the mum doll was always putting the baby to bed (despite its cries that it wasn't tired?). Obviously those things happened chez Dog; but no more than in most houses, I'm sure.

You do the best you can for your children, but always putting their needs first is tricky. Does that mean staying at home with them because they like you to be there, but then they feel deprived because you can’t afford the things their friends have?
Does it mean having to go to work so your children can have or do more of what they see as being their entitlement?
Does it mean doing everything for them? In the end they won’t thank you for that because it makes it harder for them to become independent. I think my mum got it about right, so thank you Mum. My children are still close so here’s hoping I managed the balance.

Baggs

^Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?^

If you did your best at the time, in the circunstances you had to deal with, you weren't crap.

How about when my six year old announced “I’m going to play Mummies” and picked up a briefcase and shut herself in my study?

Blood is thicker than water, they say not always Baggs and you're right, you can only ever do your best. That's all any of us can do.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

If you did your best at the time, in the circunstances you had to deal with, you weren't crap.

As a young mum ( i had my daughter at 18 and my son at 21 ) i was always right there for them BUT if i needed to do anything, i did it. Looking back i would say i gave my children the best of me, certainly not spoiling them materialistic wise because i didn't have a lot of money, but certainly spoiling them with love, care, understanding, time but can you spoil your child with love ?

Now i am just the same with my grandchildren, i have a relationship with all my GC that i consider to be just the same as it was for my children, obviously its different with my 2 GD abroad, but distance has made it that way.

GagaJo

Kate1949

I know someone who left her husband and four children (the youngest was 6) with her husband who she said was violent, for another man. The man died, as did her next husband. She now has another husband. Her children are grown up now and appear to think the world of her. She never put them first in any way. It was all about what she wanted.

Yes, my bloke's ex wife left him for another man. She was pregnant within 2 weeks of starting the affair and left her current children with my bloke, saying there was no room for them at her new house with her new man and their new baby.

The two older children adore her. She can do no wrong, whereas my bloke, their father who was always there for them and was very selfless with them, is an afterthought.

Blood is thicker than water, they say.

I don't know any good parents who don't worry about being bad ones

If I could go back to the beginning with everything I've learnt in the actual decades of parenting I've done I might do a bit better lol

White Elephant totally agree with you. I have 3 girls and 1 son, they were all taught to look after themselves from early on. I always worked from home so was available but with respect for my needs also. I put them all before my needs but it wasn't a choice? I wanted to, we worked at being a team and still are.
I enjoyed being their Mother and am well rewarded now.

Ah, the old "bugger off, I'm reading a book" lesson.
I used to teach that one, too.

I think it's important for chikdren's development that they understand from an early age that their parents have needs too. I established a half-hour reading time for myself in the afternoons when my kids were quite young (preschool) and they weren't to bother me except for an emergency. They caught on pretty quickly and got very good at occupying themselves. So I got two plusses out of it: their understanding that I needed to be on my own sometimes and their understanding that they could cope of their own sometimes. Win win.

It's not selfishness to teach kids things like this. It's good for them.

Children don't ask to be born so I think they should come first when they are young. Once they are adults I don't think they should be made to feel guilty for pursuing their own lives. With luck they will appreciate you. If you have a good relationship with them in adulthood that is a bonus but not a guarantee.

I completely agree with your post Summerlove.

Not at all Lathyrus and mine all recall the cringeworthy, toe curling incidents from the past where I was a bit rubbish too they revel in it!

Lathyrus

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

Oh to look back as confidently as the OP.

I think I ended up with better than I deserved.?

No, I am sure you are not the only mother to be unable to bask in the glow of self-righteousness ?.

I do, Lathyrus! Beware the devils who emerge from the darkness in the wee small hours when vitality is low.

BTW I love lathyrus latifolius. It is rarely grown

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

Oh to look back as confidently as the OP.

I think I ended up with better than I deserved.?

Personal charm can go a long way to make a selfish person loved and admired. For instance, Gagajo's post.

I have 3 sons. When they became interested in girls and we hosted a party or get together for all the friends, I began noticing the girls and what the girls mothers said about raising them. There was a clear and destinct change happening. I then began to teach my sons laundry, cooking, shopping due to it. Sad but true, it was the mothers telling their girls to NOT be a slave to anyone....equal in all things. Each of my sons wound up marrying women who did not know how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Each of these women have thanked me profusely for teaching my sons how to care for the home. Things are not really equal though, it is a bit one sided but my sons don't seem to mind, they laugh about it, especially the fact they DO NOT allow the wife in the kitchen. Always be aware of trends and adapt for your child's survival and sanity later in life is my thinnking.

Kate1949 Gagajo Esmay - very true. It’s hard but life goes on