Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

Selfless putting your kid's needs above your wants? Yes

Selfless in general? No. We are human beings that need self care. It makes us better mothers
Having boundaries is not selfish

I was brought up to believe that if you love someone you should put that person's needs and wishes before your own, irrespective of whether we are talking about a child, a sibling, a spouse or anyone else.

Experience has taught me that trying to do this often breeds resentment. I can still hear my mother, who incalculaled the belief in my sister and myself, and who genuinely tried to live in accordance with it, saying "Here I am running around after all of you, and no-one ever thinks of me."

I think mothers like mine gave up too much of their selves in order to "love" their families and that that was not a good thing.

As long as your child, spouse, sister of whoever really knows that you love them, it cannot do them any harm to be taught that you too need time to do whatever you enjoy doing apart from them for a reasonable amount of time.

I agree with that. There must be a balance otherwise children will walk all over you and you'd lose their respect.

I guess:

Selfless would be putting your child's wants before your needs

Selfish would be putting your wants before your child's needs

Balanced would be putting your child's needs first

Emotionally and physically

I was brought up with the saying “self last , others first.” I think this stayed with me for a long time and is still a guiding principle. I would say though that you can’t look after others unless you also look after your own health and well being. When my DH1 died my children were quite young. It was difficult to cope and I didn’t always put their interests first. I bitterly regret this now even though I know it wasn’t my fault.

All depended on individual circumstances. If one had a particular wish or need, the others became selfless in order to indulge them. We all seemed to have regular turns of this. Think it's called balanced sharing family life.

I think those are excellent examples of being selfless Doodledog. To me it means thinking of the child first and not being selfish. Some seem to equate that with being a doormat. I don’t.

I think that 'selflessness' on the part of a parent can be damaging to children, as it can encourage them to grow up not realising that others have needs too. Also, people who do things in the expectation of thanks or appreciation are setting themselves up for disappointment, whether as parents, friends or spouses, as people don't like to feel beholden and can be resentful.

Quietly putting children first is, I think, more likely to result in a good relationship when they grow up. The details will vary, but I'm thinking of things like doing without a holiday yourself so they can go on the school trip, or not buying a new 'thing' (insert other item of choice) but paying for driving lessons. Done properly, the child will never know about the sacrifice, but will appreciate the result.

My very wise friend told me that doing without so your children can have is wrong (She is a renowned psychologist) ancient civilisations the mother always fed herself first otherwise her children may be well fad but de from lack of care .
I think that can apply now if you totally immerse yourself in your children you're not doing them or you any favours
.I've taken a lot of stick on here for taking my children to work with me ,but they were never neglected and we are all incredibly close .

If anyone (including children) only want a relationship with me because I put them first, then those are not people I want in my life.

I’d find myself quite sad that I’d failed as a parent, if my children only wanted me for what I did for them

I think as well that what some people call selfless and putting their cbildren first is actually enmeshed.

As one poster described being selfless is protecting their child from problems and issues, some however get too close and expect it to be a 2 way thing, they give and give to their child and expect the child to give and give back to their own detriment.

I think we are the parents and they are the children and until the day I don't have the mental or physical capacity otherwise, I will always be a parent and have my own friends for company and my own support ystem for life's issues. I'll always be the strong, safe place for my children and this will always be home.

I think we are all different and don't necessarily have to be selfless, we have to do what our instincts tell us. Some base mothering on what they got, others on what they think they should give and yet others whatever comes naturally.
The reaction of the children when they grow up can be exactly the same, some are automatically loving, others take all they can and yet others are a mix. You only have to look at siblings in a family and how they react to their mothers, they all differ.
I made sacrifices but didn't think of them as such at the time it came naturally to me and fealt it was the right thing for the family, not just me.
Some abandoned children adore the parent that went off but would probably have anyway. Others never the same again.Though it can be exactly the same in a family unit that stays together.
So no you don't have to be completely selfless as a mother but I think a bit of love and kindness goes a long way and hopefully rubs off.

Esmay. Mothers day can be so painful for so many.

I agree with MissA too. There needs to be a balance and as has already been said, there's a difference between being selfless and selfish.

Esmay. Unfortunately yours is not an isolated case from what I hear.

It's very strange isn't it Gagajo?

I prided myself on being an entirely selfless mother .

Pride comes before a fall .

I've spent three of the last four Christmasses alone and I won't get a card on Mother's Day .

A card at Christnas and on my birthday would have been nice .
When people ask me about my children - I have to hold back the tears .

I'm really grateful that the neighbours have stopped asking me .

This is largely due to my "preoccupation "with looking after their grandfather .

In my job as a therapist I have worked with many women who still crave, as an adult the attention of a selfish mother

I did put my children first, they were my priority and I now have a great relationship with them. I still did some stuff for myself but more when they were older and more independent.

My mother was very selfish and had severe MH issues and I swore I wouldn’t be like her.

I agree with MissAdventure

I knew someone who was a very cruel, selfish mother. Yet her adult children did everything they could to gain approval. She withheld to the end. I sometimes feel that parents who bend over backwards lose some respect of their children. But there's no simple answer.

MissAdventure I think there is a big difference between being over indulgent and selfless.

Our children have never had us over a barrel and they will probably never know some of the sacrifices we made, that’s the way it should be.

I don't think it's true that abandoned (now adult) children worship the poorer parent. I think it is more likely to be the case that they crave validation. It is quite difficult, even as an adult, accepting that the only people who should love you warts and all, actually don't love you at all - or only love you on their terms.

Kate1949

I know someone who left her husband and four children (the youngest was 6) with her husband who she said was violent, for another man. The man died, as did her next husband. She now has another husband. Her children are grown up now and appear to think the world of her. She never put them first in any way. It was all about what she wanted.

Yes, my bloke's ex wife left him for another man. She was pregnant within 2 weeks of starting the affair and left her current children with my bloke, saying there was no room for them at her new house with her new man and their new baby.

The two older children adore her. She can do no wrong, whereas my bloke, their father who was always there for them and was very selfless with them, is an afterthought.

We see on here also the results of never putting yourself first.
Worn out grandparents, handing out money to unappreciative adult children, worn out by childminding, and behaving like doormats.
Not for me, thanks.