Boring marriage

I echo BlueBelle "Be careful what you wish for".

Your happiness is not somebody else’s responsibility. Find your own interests and friends.

If you really don't want to be in the marriage anymore it is unfair on him for you to stay for financial reasons. It stops him from having the chance of a new relationship.

Chances are if you’re bored...he is too, and you’re bringing out the worst in each other.

You don’t say much about other factors....so children/ grandchildren. You’ve been married 17 years. Are you young with small children, or is it second marriages?

I would imagine a good conversation would at least be a start.

GSM - you’re so right

bigmama1960

I am stuck in a pretty boring and mundane marriage. I have been married for 17 years this year but am bored and have been for years. He has had dome ill health but am now back to feeling restless. Is this what it's like when it's day to day stuff? We go for coffee and cake etc but he is boring, hardly suggests anything, doesn't like diy or gardening. He is kind but very opinionated and am just need feeling 'it' anymore. I have no money to start again with. Advice from anyone who may have been where I am please? Thanks

I don't think many women (or men) feel it after 17 years of marriage and to expect that kind of excitement might be unrealistic.

What usually replaces it is companionship and sharing of interests and hobbies. If you haven't got that - and from what you write, it seems likely - then there's not much holding you two together.

If I were you, I would want to lay my cards on the table and have a bit of a frank discussion. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel and might make a bit more effort if he did?

But I do feel you need to be realistic about your expectations. He's unlikely to change character. And you probably can't change yours. But at least talk to him before you make any decisions. Starting life again isn't without its challenges.

MerylStreep

Bigmama
So you knew his character/ personality before you married him ?

No I didn't. But over the years I have found out this is pretty normal. Unmotivated and opinionated.

Are there activities/interests you could do on your own? I do know the odd person whose dh expects them to do everything together, including even shopping, and resents anything the wife does on her own, so I hope he’s not like that.

Bigmama
So you knew his character/ personality before you married him ?

I would rather be married to a kind man that I find boring than an exciting but unkind man that maybe I couldn’t trust.

He has always been the same
Then you knew what you were getting when you found him did you think you d change him ?
Look if he’s boring he’s boring you don’t mention loving him so presumably he was a convenient ‘find’ 17 years ago

Well you ve got three choices because you can’t change someone else, you can only change you and how you deal with the someone else
1 You can leave and start again (the honest thing to do)
2 You can stay and be miserable together (what you have been doing)
Or
3 You can stay and make your own entertainment (which you say you do already) , well up it and have your fun and laughter with others
There is a 4th choice Get some couple counselling or talk it over with him put your cards on the table telling him what you want/need from him and what you can do to accommodate his needs if any

Beckett

Perhaps he is bored too!

Yes, perhaps so.

Your boredom is not someone else's responsibility. Do stuff to reduce your boredom and if he wants to join in (without spoiling it for you), let him.

paddyann54

If he has had health problems is he now depressed because of them? Get him to speak to his GP about his criticising and complaining ,grumpy man thing ,thats happening as it may well be a mental health issue that can be sorted .

He has always been the same

Perhaps he is bored too!

What do you expect though? Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. There can be ups and downs along the way. He doesn't sound like a bad man. Are you wanting us to say that you should go? Consider the alternatives carefully.

Well he is what he is, you can’t marry someone, madly in love, then some years down the line want to change them,
He doesn’t sound as if he’s done anything wrong you ve just grown beyond him
You don’t mention loving him so poor man is probably going to get dumped
Be careful what you wish for though

If he has had health problems is he now depressed because of them? Get him to speak to his GP about his criticising and complaining ,grumpy man thing ,thats happening as it may well be a mental health issue that can be sorted .

I wouldn’t waste any more of my life in your situation. It will only get worse.
Get your ducks in a row as they say on Mumsnet (you are entitled to half of everything) then consult a solicitor.

I have done that but all I get back is that he loves me and he will try but a few weeks on from a break at my daughters for a week it's not changing really

I have work and have friends and hobbies so no I don't expect him to entertain me. I would appreciate some laughter and happy conversations rather than being overly critical of things and people. I arrange everything we do or where we go but am sick of doing it. Am on the verge of leaving but wondered if its a phase and most marriages go like this

Could you tell him how bored you are?

Do you do more in your life? I mean do have work or outside interests? I was just wondering if you expected your husband to be the only thing in your life.

I have no advice that will be of any use to you. I am divorced (not through choice) but after a couple of years of courts and financial settlement issues, I am quite settled and happy in my single life.
You say he is kind but I suspect you are falling out of love. Just think well before you make any decisions. Good luck !