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just tell me its ok

(38 Posts)
Canarygirl1 Sat 26-Mar-22 15:40:33

my dhusband is working along the dementia line after a severe brain bleed and many tia's . This makes me sound awful and horrid but I am so tired of making all the decisions, having to think how to tell him things and just never going anywhere at all now. There is just no help to be had and it is very difficult to get him to talk to people if they come, he just goes to sleep!
Our children are coping with a terminal ill child on one side and the other is bipolar so not able to ask for help there.
Life seems completely pointless and I am so very tired and need to lose weight which isnt happening. Sorry very self pitying but needed to say it all thanks for looking

MissAdventure Sat 26-Mar-22 15:43:31

Have you thought of asking social services for a carers assessment?
They are fairly good at organising at least some sort of help.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 26-Mar-22 15:58:25

I’m so sorry, you have so much to deal with. Can social services help, as MissA said? Also speak to your GP about the way things are for you at present, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re depressed given everything you’re having to cope with. The Black Dog Gang is a wonderful thread for anyone with problems. Very understanding and supportive.
Sending you a hug and hoping you’ll keep in touch with us.💐

Grannybags Sat 26-Mar-22 16:03:20

It's OK Canarygirl

I agree you need to speak to your GP. You are having to deal with so much going on in your family and don't sound self pitying to me flowers

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 26-Mar-22 16:11:11

I'm so sorry Canarygirl1 that you're going through this. When you feel you have so much weight on your shoulders life can seem so bleak, can't it?

When my DH was terminally ill I desperately needed emotional support and said as much. This arrived in the form of a visitor from a charitable association and it was so helpful. These volunteers are worth their weight in gold - a shoulder to cry on as well as practical help. Is there a similar organisation which can help in your position?

Thoro Sat 26-Mar-22 16:12:22

Love your screen name Canarygirl.
You have a lot to deal with with you children’s difficulties as well as your husband.
My husband has been diagnosed with dementia and I get fed up with making all the decisions and really having no one to talk to. I’m sure others will let you know about support services but the most important thing is to look after yourself.
I’ve had to detach myself emotionally and follow my own path as much as possible while still looking after his needs. It’s not where any of us planned to be. Good luck

kittylester Sat 26-Mar-22 16:14:26

It will be OK Canarygirl. Talk to the Alzheimer's Society - their Dementia Support Workers are brilliant.

Maya1 Sat 26-Mar-22 16:17:48

Sorry you are struggling Canarygirl, you are certainly not self pity. I also think you should contact your gp and tell them what is going on in your life. You desperately need help and support,surely social services can offer something, carers maybe? That way you would have a few hours for yourself to get out.

Please take care and let us know how you are doing.

Esspee Sat 26-Mar-22 16:19:40

Canarygirl1. You don’t sound awful, you are at the end of your tether and need a break. I have been through caring for a husband and I felt so cut off from life outside.

Perhaps your doctor can recommend some way of getting a break, perhaps a day club for him to go to or someone coming in to sit with him to let you get out. The Alzheimer’s Society might have some suggestions or social services.

You need to take care of your health. Your husband and family all need you.

Do you have friends or family members of your own age? If so you could ask them to visit so that you have something else to think about. Right now everything revolves around your caring duties. You need some me time.

Have you considered a nursing home? Even if only for a respite break. If not now then perhaps look into it for the future.

I hope you find a way to ease the burden. A big hug from me.

BlueBelle Sat 26-Mar-22 16:21:27

Don’t discount charities they will often offer a befriender while you have an hour or two off maybe go the cinema or out for lunch with a friend to recharge your batteries or do you know someone you trust who you could hire once a week for say an afternoon out doesn’t matter if he falls asleep they can read a book or something if he does
Don’t feel guilty it is a difficult difficult time for you and you sound as if you have other worries as well
Ask you GP if he/ she can direct you to whatever help they can and don’t be afraid to take anything offered

rubysong Sat 26-Mar-22 16:23:01

Life is very tough for you at the moment. Do you have a memory Cafe anywhere near? There is one in our local town and people find it helpful. It would be a little trip out for both of you with non judgmental company. When DH's aunt had dementia her husband used to take her for regular long walks, which he said helped them both.

Kate1949 Sat 26-Mar-22 16:36:56

Not self pitying at all. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. flowers

choughdancer Sat 26-Mar-22 16:48:17

It is absolutely okay to let all this out! What's NOT okay is that you are going through it almost alone. I agree with the good advice others have given, and send you my best wishes. I do hope you can get some help. flowers

PECS Sat 26-Mar-22 17:02:51

Sorry life is so hard at this point canarygirl It is not surprising you feel so overwhelmed. I endorse those other posts saying you should seek more support. I have a a niece by marriage who has early onset dementia. Our nephew cared for her for as long as he could but then moved to at home carers for 2/3 days a week so he could go out & do things. She is now in residential care. I know locally there are day centres for people with dementia so that family carers get some respite. Maybe that would be a start?

ExDancer Sat 26-Mar-22 17:13:39

AgeUK are absolutely brilliant - just pick up the phone and ring them. Tell them exactly what you've written in your post, they can organise things like a volunteer to "husband sit" and give you an afternoon off - to go to a slimming club or anything else you fancy.
They will also check that you are receiving all the benefits that are available to you.
Do it NOW (well on Monday).
Its OK to feel that way, ((hugs))

Jane43 Sat 26-Mar-22 17:23:30

I can’t add to all the great advice on here but would just like to send my best wishes to you.

Maggiemaybe Sat 26-Mar-22 17:34:03

Me too. I hope you manage to get the support you need and that things improve for you. thanks

Allsorts Sat 26-Mar-22 17:37:17

You sound like a woman with too much on her plate. Is there anyway you can get respite or have you the money to pay for help? To be a carer is hard you need time just for you, reach out for help, it’s important you remain healthy but you can’t be superwoman.💐

dogsmother Sat 26-Mar-22 17:44:56

💐💕 from me. I say to you what I always say, you must remember this…you have to be your own best friend and advise yourself the way you would advise another. Read all the above and go with it some good advice. It’s very important that yo7 care for yourself xxx

crazyH Sat 26-Mar-22 17:52:21

Good advice here Canarygirl. There’s nothing I can add or say that will be of any use. But I am thinking of you ….you are so brave. Just be strong. You and your family are in our thoughts

Ilovecheese Sat 26-Mar-22 17:52:52

You sound remarkable calm and balanced with all you have to cope with.

Mapleleaf Sat 26-Mar-22 17:58:12

Canarygirl, you are not being self pitying , you’re asking for help. You are going through a very difficult time which is impacting you physically and emotionally. I’m so pleased you posted - there are so many lovely people on this site with valuable suggestions. I can’t really add to what has already been said, my suggestions have already been offered by others. What I will say to you though, is please keep posting here, about anything that troubles you, as there will always be someone who has personal knowledge of the issues or can advise you where to go to seek support. 💐

Libman Sat 26-Mar-22 18:18:42

The last thing you should do is feel guilty and the first thing you should do is look after yourself, physically and mentally. But please don’t stress about your weight at the moment, now is not the time. If you could sort some out of your other problems first you would probably feel more able to look at your diet. Lots of good advice here. Talk to Age UK and the Alzheimer’s Society and keep talking. 💐

Serendipity22 Sat 26-Mar-22 19:24:55

Canarygirl I read your post and I want to say that I am so very sorry you are in this difficult, frustrating and exhausting situation x

If anything, you must let things out, post on here, talk to your friends, whatever and however you must get it off your chest, its paramount x.

Yes, contact social service, Age UK and lots of other extremely helpful organisations, they know all the people that will help you help is out there ....*YOU ARE NOT ALONE*.

The befriending service is a Godsend for a lot of people, it just gives them time to detach themselves, breathing space.

Remember you are not alone.... x


lixy Sat 26-Mar-22 19:44:54

Can't add to the great advice here; hope it is helpful to you.
Please talk to your GP; they do have time to listen despite the apparent difficulty in getting appointments etc, and are anxious to look after their patients.
Please look after yourself and I hope you get some practical help soon.