Hurtful comments to childless people

Vintagejazz I was just telling my experience - not being unfair to anyone with a different experience. In fact, I did comment that looking after toddlers and elderly relatives are BOTH exhausting. How much fairer can I be?

Well I’m impressed volver. I can just about manage knit one, pearl one. I did help my seven year old granddaughter to knit a little scarf for her Mima (Jemima Puddleduck, which we gave to her the day she was born.) She did some of it on her own and I just about managed to pick the various stitches she dropped. She completed it whilst the family were living with us for a couple of months before they went to New Zealand for two years.

I'm an inveterate knitter maddyone! Lace, fair isle, you name it. No baby clothes, though!

My older son doesn’t have children. He married a lady who was divorced and had already had children. She had been sterilised after her second was born. He’s very happy without children. He loves his niece and nephews. My second son has one child, adopted. My daughter has twins and then another. She had IVF in order to have her family. So we don’t follow the norm as a family do we? We also have the advantage of having my daughter in law’s daughter and husband and their child as part of our extended family. Everyone is loved, that’s what matters.

I’m afraid we are all guilty of making a remark that will upset someone, if we know the person well then we won’t make the remark.
However, we can’t feel bad about making a remark if we don’t know everyone’s circumstances.

We complain about children and are unaware that someone can’t have children.
We complain about messy husbands, not realising that someone has lost their husband.
It isn’t intentional I’m sure.

My middle daughter is single with no children . She enjoys her life but say had the right man come along she would probably have children.

An ex boss once said to her ‘ oh you don’t have to worry if you work late or at the weekend as you don’t have a family.
She was quick to put him right about the fact that she had a great family ; parents, siblings, nephews plenty of very dear friends and also a life that she shares with them all.

Do you knit volver? I have a mental image of many of our Gransnetters and I didn’t imagine you knitting. I’m probably completely wrong and you’re actually a skilled knitter.Do other Gransnetters have a mental image of other Gransnetters.

Incidentally I believe in being reasonably careful if speaking with a person who says they don’t have children. We don’t know why they don’t have children. It could choice, it could be lack of opportunity, it could be that the person has tried desperately to have a child and been unable to.

I remember making someone cry at work forty years ago. I'd just had my son and stupidly asked her if she had wanted children.

Lots of people, probably all of us, have at sometime unintentionally made a hurtful remark to someone.

Yes, this remark was thoughtless, but there are plenty more thoughtless remarks made to people that are far more hurtful than this.

Redhead56

I raised my children for four years on my own my son was three my daughter new born. It was very hard work I looked after my mum when she was very ill that was very hard work too.
I have two sisters one could not have children because of cancer the other was not in the position to have children. They never had regrets or felt that people made remarks about it. In fact I don’t think anyone even questioned them and why would they when it’s not their business.
I think remarks about raising children just come out without people thinking. I say to young parents including my own two enjoy your children they soon grow up.

I always thought my sister did mind. She seemed to be enjoying life. When she did eventually tell me a few years ago I asked her why she hadn't said before she felt. She said she didn't want us to think she begrudged us our children. She also had a fear of people pitying her so she pretended it was of no real consequence. She did join a support group eventually and finds it brilliant. There are a lot of people out there grieving for children they never had.

And of course there are people who never wanted children or have made peace with the fact that it wasn't to be.

I raised my children for four years on my own my son was three my daughter new born. It was very hard work I looked after my mum when she was very ill that was very hard work too.
I have two sisters one could not have children because of cancer the other was not in the position to have children. They never had regrets or felt that people made remarks about it. In fact I don’t think anyone even questioned them and why would they when it’s not their business.
I think remarks about raising children just come out without people thinking. I say to young parents including my own two enjoy your children they soon grow up.

One of my children was/is disabled, quite severely so. Normal children are very easy (yes I had those too)

Looking after people with more complex needs is more difficult than looking after normal children

I know it isn't a competition and I understand people have different circumstances, including with their own mental health, health in general, finances etc.

I think maybe we all need to just listen to one another a bit more?

Is that cat a child substitute?

Tempted to do a Will Smith on you there

And exhausted. Oh for an edit button.

That should have read of both looking after young children and elderly parents

Nannarose

Whilst I agree with you JaneJudge, it does make sense to be careful around folk without children, as we don't know their story. Neither do we know why someone has taken on the care of an elderly relative.

But actually, OP, I can't help thinking that this is a game neither of your colleagues can win! Both are tired - do they normally get on well? I agree that a tactful word with the mum might be helpful, but she also merits some sympathy.

Yes they get on fine.

I think everyone's experience of both looking after young children, or looking after toddlers is different . I really can't agree with your post elegran. It might be your experience, and a totally valid one, but assuming that's how it is for everyone is unfair to the many people who are exh6from looking after elderly parents.

volver

I don't have kids, by choice, and I don't expect anyone to be "careful" around me. I expect people to have normal conversations with me that don't verge on discussing my reproductive system.

e.g.

"No you have kids?"

No, I don't.

discussion then moves on to other things. Like Ukraine, knitting, cats, Brexit, whatever.

Is that cat a child substitute?

DD has never been able to have children and she is sad about that. One woman in her office told her she was selfish, not knowing anything of her circumstances. DD told her in no uncertain terms why she was childless.

I might start telling people I don't have them then

Do you have kids?

I don't have kids, by choice, and I don't expect anyone to be "careful" around me. I expect people to have normal conversations with me that don't verge on discussing my reproductive system.

e.g.

"No you have kids?"

No, I don't.

discussion then moves on to other things. Like Ukraine, knitting, cats, Brexit, whatever.

JaneJudge

BTW I have never understood this obsession with why people have or don't have children. I never ask or comment fwiw why do I need to know anything about someone's reproductive system

This, in a nutshell. It's got absolutely nothing to do with anyone else if someone wants or doesn't want/can't have children. We were married for seven years before we had our daughter (by choice) and if anyone asked, I used to just laugh and say 'oh, we're just having fun practising!', but it can be very hurtful to some people. No-one knows what may be going on behind the scenes and frankly, it's none of their business.
And yes, looking after babies/toddlers and elderly relatives are both absolutely exhausting in their own way.

Whilst I agree with you JaneJudge, it does make sense to be careful around folk without children, as we don't know their story. Neither do we know why someone has taken on the care of an elderly relative.

But actually, OP, I can't help thinking that this is a game neither of your colleagues can win! Both are tired - do they normally get on well? I agree that a tactful word with the mum might be helpful, but she also merits some sympathy.

BTW I have never understood this obsession with why people have or don't have children. I never ask or comment fwiw why do I need to know anything about someone's reproductive system

I think it is harder to look after an elderly parent with health issues than a toddler to be honest.