Hurtful comments to childless people

I don't think the mother had meant to be nasty in any way, more a slip in judgement as we get into saying these things without forethought!
Could you possibly have a little chat with her, reminding her that not everyone has had the chance to become a parent and may regret this for the rest of their lives!
Don't be nasty to her, but ask her that she may see it from another point of view in future!

I did remark casually when we were on our own that I felt sorry for older colleague, it must be very stressful having to look after an older and sick parent and she is looking very tired.

Hopefully it might make her think.

It is a very long time since I had babies and small children in the house, but I do remember very clearly that having to be awake and dealing with them night after night, after a long day, was the most tiring thing that I have ever done, before or since. That includes looking after a terminally ill husband at nights (though sadly that didn't last for the years that an insomniac toddler could keep going)

I would second that ^"you don't know what tired is until you have kids" - the other colleague may well think that ^"you don't know what tired is until you have an elderly sick mother", but BOTH situations are exhausting.

That is not to say that other people don't face other tiring things when they have elderly family members to look after, but when you have had several years of sleepless nights with successive toddlers who can't even be reasoned with, that is at the forefront of your mind when someone mentions being tired. You are very much aware of how you are affected!

I am sure this young mother wasn't deliberately being hurtful. She is working by day and trying to catch sleep every night while an energetic toddler turns night into day. Cut her some slack!

I think it is harder to look after an elderly parent with health issues than a toddler to be honest.

BTW I have never understood this obsession with why people have or don't have children. I never ask or comment fwiw why do I need to know anything about someone's reproductive system

Whilst I agree with you JaneJudge, it does make sense to be careful around folk without children, as we don't know their story. Neither do we know why someone has taken on the care of an elderly relative.

But actually, OP, I can't help thinking that this is a game neither of your colleagues can win! Both are tired - do they normally get on well? I agree that a tactful word with the mum might be helpful, but she also merits some sympathy.

JaneJudge

BTW I have never understood this obsession with why people have or don't have children. I never ask or comment fwiw why do I need to know anything about someone's reproductive system

This, in a nutshell. It's got absolutely nothing to do with anyone else if someone wants or doesn't want/can't have children. We were married for seven years before we had our daughter (by choice) and if anyone asked, I used to just laugh and say 'oh, we're just having fun practising!', but it can be very hurtful to some people. No-one knows what may be going on behind the scenes and frankly, it's none of their business.
And yes, looking after babies/toddlers and elderly relatives are both absolutely exhausting in their own way.

I don't have kids, by choice, and I don't expect anyone to be "careful" around me. I expect people to have normal conversations with me that don't verge on discussing my reproductive system.

e.g.

"No you have kids?"

No, I don't.

discussion then moves on to other things. Like Ukraine, knitting, cats, Brexit, whatever.

Do you have kids?

I might start telling people I don't have them then

DD has never been able to have children and she is sad about that. One woman in her office told her she was selfish, not knowing anything of her circumstances. DD told her in no uncertain terms why she was childless.

volver

I don't have kids, by choice, and I don't expect anyone to be "careful" around me. I expect people to have normal conversations with me that don't verge on discussing my reproductive system.

e.g.

"No you have kids?"

No, I don't.

discussion then moves on to other things. Like Ukraine, knitting, cats, Brexit, whatever.

Is that cat a child substitute?

Nannarose

Whilst I agree with you JaneJudge, it does make sense to be careful around folk without children, as we don't know their story. Neither do we know why someone has taken on the care of an elderly relative.

But actually, OP, I can't help thinking that this is a game neither of your colleagues can win! Both are tired - do they normally get on well? I agree that a tactful word with the mum might be helpful, but she also merits some sympathy.

Yes they get on fine.

I think everyone's experience of both looking after young children, or looking after toddlers is different . I really can't agree with your post elegran. It might be your experience, and a totally valid one, but assuming that's how it is for everyone is unfair to the many people who are exh6from looking after elderly parents.

That should have read of both looking after young children and elderly parents

And exhausted. Oh for an edit button.

Is that cat a child substitute?

Tempted to do a Will Smith on you there

One of my children was/is disabled, quite severely so. Normal children are very easy (yes I had those too)

Looking after people with more complex needs is more difficult than looking after normal children

I know it isn't a competition and I understand people have different circumstances, including with their own mental health, health in general, finances etc.

I think maybe we all need to just listen to one another a bit more?

I raised my children for four years on my own my son was three my daughter new born. It was very hard work I looked after my mum when she was very ill that was very hard work too.
I have two sisters one could not have children because of cancer the other was not in the position to have children. They never had regrets or felt that people made remarks about it. In fact I don’t think anyone even questioned them and why would they when it’s not their business.
I think remarks about raising children just come out without people thinking. I say to young parents including my own two enjoy your children they soon grow up.

Redhead56

I raised my children for four years on my own my son was three my daughter new born. It was very hard work I looked after my mum when she was very ill that was very hard work too.
I have two sisters one could not have children because of cancer the other was not in the position to have children. They never had regrets or felt that people made remarks about it. In fact I don’t think anyone even questioned them and why would they when it’s not their business.
I think remarks about raising children just come out without people thinking. I say to young parents including my own two enjoy your children they soon grow up.

I always thought my sister did mind. She seemed to be enjoying life. When she did eventually tell me a few years ago I asked her why she hadn't said before she felt. She said she didn't want us to think she begrudged us our children. She also had a fear of people pitying her so she pretended it was of no real consequence. She did join a support group eventually and finds it brilliant. There are a lot of people out there grieving for children they never had.

And of course there are people who never wanted children or have made peace with the fact that it wasn't to be.

Lots of people, probably all of us, have at sometime unintentionally made a hurtful remark to someone.

Yes, this remark was thoughtless, but there are plenty more thoughtless remarks made to people that are far more hurtful than this.

I remember making someone cry at work forty years ago. I'd just had my son and stupidly asked her if she had wanted children.

Do you knit volver? I have a mental image of many of our Gransnetters and I didn’t imagine you knitting. I’m probably completely wrong and you’re actually a skilled knitter.Do other Gransnetters have a mental image of other Gransnetters.

Incidentally I believe in being reasonably careful if speaking with a person who says they don’t have children. We don’t know why they don’t have children. It could choice, it could be lack of opportunity, it could be that the person has tried desperately to have a child and been unable to.

My middle daughter is single with no children . She enjoys her life but say had the right man come along she would probably have children.

An ex boss once said to her ‘ oh you don’t have to worry if you work late or at the weekend as you don’t have a family.
She was quick to put him right about the fact that she had a great family ; parents, siblings, nephews plenty of very dear friends and also a life that she shares with them all.

I’m afraid we are all guilty of making a remark that will upset someone, if we know the person well then we won’t make the remark.
However, we can’t feel bad about making a remark if we don’t know everyone’s circumstances.

We complain about children and are unaware that someone can’t have children.
We complain about messy husbands, not realising that someone has lost their husband.
It isn’t intentional I’m sure.