The life you could have had

I’ve had a lot of time to think about this since I was widowed early this year after being together for 20 years. What if we’d met earlier in life? What if I’d married my first great love? What if I’d gone to the school I really wanted , not the one where I went ? Well , the answers to all these, after much thought and soul searching .... DISASTER! I wouldn’t have had the education I’ve had or the subsequent career or my wonderful children and grandchildren. Everything would have been different and I love everything just as it is . I have been very lucky in so many ways. If there was another road that I could have taken , I’m glad it was blocked.

I do regret lacking the confidence to do what I really wanted when I was very young but although I dream myself to sleep each night back in the world of ‘what might have been’ the reality of my fairly good life with decent children and many grandchildren almost makes up for the disappointment, although I do really wish I had the self-confidence to go and actually find out, maybe one day

suzikyoo

I'm with Karmalady .....

So you believe luck doesn't play any part?

I'm with Karmalady .....

I often look back on my life with regret at my own mistakes and foolish pursuit of things I aspired to but never attained, often my own fault, but sometimes not. I was a clever girl and won a place at Cambridge University to read Classics. I turned it down to take the same subject at a different one solely because the guy I loved was there and I followed him. We married during that time, young obviously and against advice. Of course it failed a few years after graduation-neither of us was mature enough but he did treat me very unkindly and I ended up sad and broke as he made off with quite a lot of money, half of which was mine (we both had good jobs). I was too heartbroken to pursue it so I started again. Eventually I met my second husband, the love of my life. We were together 27 years and have three great children. He was a difficult man, never completely happy with life for various reasons and my relationship with him was difficult with many tears. But I really loved him and tried so very hard to make him happy and our life together work. It didn’t of course and he left me, again with less money than I needed as his business wasn’t doing well and debts had to be paid. So from owning my own house which we had struggled to buy, I now rent which as I get older is an unknown quantity and a worry in itself. I was really devastated for a long time but now, although I will always have feelings for him, I realise the mistakes I have made in searching too importunately for love with unsuitable partners and passing up, in more ways than I can say here, opportunities I have been offered in order to make others happy. I am 65, alone now and do not seek or expect another relationship. I have my three terrific children, four beautiful grandchildren (more to come I hope!) and I have found peace of a sort. Regrets don’t haunt me although I do have them. Those who don’t must count themselves blessed!

Financially, I made some poor decisions. But I met my present husband and he helped me sort my act out. Life is good for us atm (touches wood). I'm super happy but I have arthritis and that has blighted some things. But I have fabulous family and friends, a beautiful home, 5 darling GC and all my marbles!
There before the grace of God go I.

Coastalgran, that is a favourite poem of mine; we had to memorize it in school. Of course I had all but forgotten it, but it does capture the wistfulness of his choices.

While I have regrets about how certain situations were handled in my youth, I can't say I spend any time wondering what might have happened if only...

I am very happy with my life choices in general. I could have "lived up to my potential" with striving for higher education, but there is still time for that!

Peablossom, you have posted your situation in the wrong spot, perhaps you should start a new thread.

I have a good friend who I’ve known for 14 years. We worked together for nine years. We are both cat lovers and she recently got four kittens! I saw them once when they were kittens, but we haven’t seen much of each other because of Covid. We met up for lunch yesterday for the first time in about nine months. After lunch she said about me going back to hers, so I could see the kittens, or should I say cats as they are now fully grown. Anyway, we got to her house and when she opened the front door the smell hit me! I went and sat in the lounge where all the cats were and she had four dishes of cat food in there. I was shocked as I couldn’t understand why she would feed the cats in the lounge. I couldn’t believe she would invite anybody in in those conditions. To make matters worse she brought me in a piece of cake and a mug of tea, which normally I would have loved, but having to eat cake with that smell really made me feel sick. I mentioned it to another good friend of mine who I see a lot and she said she would have had to go home, because she wouldn’t have been able to sit in the lounge with all the cat food. I might add it was wet cat food as well as kibble. I don’t want to upset my friend as she is a good kind person, but I’m worried that she’ll invite me round again and I just cannot face going there. I think I’ll have to find a way of saying how I feel (if she asks me again, or try to make sure she just comes to my house) and telling her that the last thing I want to do is to upset her.

cindylou I enjoyed that book and the multiverse concept was interesting.

Must add it to my reading list.

This is such a poignant thread. All the ifs and but and if only. There is nothing we can do about any of it. It is all in the past. We can just remember and rejoice in what we have. It makes me so sad

Yes, sometimes. Life though, is about making choices, one path can go one way, another , another way. My biggest regret is writing to an ex boyfriend and telling him I didn't want to see him again and another letter to tell him not to go out with the walking group we both went out with.. It seemed like the right decision at the time but I wish we could have remained friends and that we had kept in touch. I still have feelings for him even though I haven't seen him since 1987! I very much aware that living together/marriage would not have worked between us.

Read a poem by Robert Frost called The Road Not Taken.

read Midnight Library . Matt Haig I think ?

Menothim. I totally agree . " the Midnight Library" is an excellent and thought provoking read

" the road not taken", Robert Frost. I am content with my life, but regret the things I didn't do, the roads I didn't take. My life , though good and full of love, has been guided through a sense of duty ( though not one I regret) and a great deal of cowardice and fear to make the big changes. Too late now, but I often think "what if" or " if only".

I thank my lucky stars that every time a life changing decisions cropped up I must have chosen the correct direction. I shudder to think how things might have ended up. Today my life's the best it could be.

Looking back I realise I could have done more career wise, but didn' t want unlimited hours, heavy responsibility and the stress that went with it ..
and I realise it was a conscious choice. I' ve seen breakdowns, heart attacks and suicides because of blind ambition, a higher salary and a snazzy job title .....

If I had gone to Australia when I was younger I wouldn’t be here (UK) now.
I fell deeply in love with an American and we talked of setting up home there but my ex told me he would never allow our children to visit me so I didn’t go - didn’t realise he could not forbid contact. However I have a wonderful relationship with my children which I probably wouldn’t have had I been over the pond

Still living in East Anglia as well. Now too old to move away, but it is a pleasing area to live in, has drier climate than elsewhere, many charming towns and villages.. Public transport terrible.

mulberryruth

I recommend the book 'The Midnight Library' by Matt Haig . It examines this very subject and it profoundly changed the way I thought about things. All decisions lead to small changes that have an impact far wider than you can probably imagine.

Oh my, I've just found this in my bedroom. My husband read it before he left!

If my husband hadn't died when I was 41 we'd still be together.
When I remarried last year, that was it as far as I was concerned. I never would've given up on the marriage. It was for the rest of my life as far as I was concerned. Sadly my husband didn't feel the same.

Ellie Anne

I’ve made a total mess of it and am desperately unhappy

I'm so sorry Ellie Anne. Is there nothing you can do to make it better?

#karmalady I've always found life turn out exactly the way it should. I no longer worry about what ifs from the past. I may be getting older but there's still a lot of future left.

So many of you have been married more than once as I have. I find that interesting. The previous generation usually stayed together come what may. I have had a varied and interesting life but I have hurt a few people along the way which I bitterly regret. My parents gave me no guidance on anything really so I made a lot of mistakes. Never settled till I was about 50 and will never ever let anyone down again.