Not wanting to offend a friend

I would kindly suggest dry food for the cat as the weather is warming up. The food can turn I have seen it in an elderly relatives house.
I would also tell her you prefer to meet at a cafe. The smell of the food upsets your sensitive stomach.
If she is a friend and knows you well she will understand you are not being offensive.

Hi peaseblossom
Sorry this is your thread
-just to say that it's a real Catch 22 situation that you are in .
Say nothing and suffer the pong .
Say something and risk your friendship .

I sympathesise entirely with you .

DiscoDancer1975

Esmay

Hi DiscoDancer ,

I really can't .

The poor woman is so brain damaged .
After being healthy for years she was found on the floor having had a major fit .
She'd dislocated her shoulder and broken an arm .

Huge white lesion of unknown origin were found on her brain .
After that ,many fits and falls... and injuries .

I don't know what her personality was like before - now she's very easily upset and offended .

And probably living on borrowed time .

I'll just meet up in cafes and continue with gifts /cards and gifts .

So I won't be saying anything .

Sorry to hear that. It does rather put a different slant on it. Good idea to meet in cafes, or just sit outside, with warmer weather coming.

Not really much else you can do by the sounds of it,

Take care

I was actually responding to Peaseblossom. Didn’t notice it was you Esmay, who responded to me. Glad the response suited you as well though.

not much going on on this site that's why an OP like this can run for ten days and it's been said over and over again

Esmay

Hi DiscoDancer ,

I really can't .

The poor woman is so brain damaged .
After being healthy for years she was found on the floor having had a major fit .
She'd dislocated her shoulder and broken an arm .

Huge white lesion of unknown origin were found on her brain .
After that ,many fits and falls... and injuries .

I don't know what her personality was like before - now she's very easily upset and offended .

And probably living on borrowed time .

I'll just meet up in cafes and continue with gifts /cards and gifts .

So I won't be saying anything .

Sorry to hear that. It does rather put a different slant on it. Good idea to meet in cafes, or just sit outside, with warmer weather coming.

Not really much else you can do by the sounds of it,

Take care

Hi DiscoDancer ,

I really can't .

The poor woman is so brain damaged .
After being healthy for years she was found on the floor having had a major fit .
She'd dislocated her shoulder and broken an arm .

Huge white lesion of unknown origin were found on her brain .
After that ,many fits and falls... and injuries .

I don't know what her personality was like before - now she's very easily upset and offended .

And probably living on borrowed time .

I'll just meet up in cafes and continue with gifts /cards and gifts .

So I won't be saying anything .

I would imagine she’s used to it. Is she someone you’re likely to see regularly? If it were me, I’d have to tell her.

Years ago, my daughter had a sleepover with about four friends. One had such bad BO...it left the house smelling for about a week. My daughter said they just got used to it. They were about 13 I think. I knew I’d want to know if it were my daughter. So I phoned her mum...my friend, and told her. She was so pleased I did. They’d been trying ‘The Body Shop’ deodorants, as they were supposedly non carcinogenic. I said that’s great...she’ll live longer, but have no friends! She went back to normal deodorants, and we never smelt her again.

I can’t stand the smell of houses that have animals. No matter how clean the owners are, I can always smell it. Especially big shaggy dogs.

Just talk to her. She’ll probably thank you.

I'm wondering if not noticing being stinky is the norm in some people's households .
It's sad that my friend isn't too fresh and her husband isn't either .His longish hair is greasy and uncombed and he looks as though he sleeps in his clothes.
But their home is tidy and in fact -very clean .
There's no dust on the furniture and not one bit of lint on the carpet .
I think that it's cleaned everyday .

I guess that they are nose blind .

Do you think that people who are stinky themselves or have stinky homes are nose blind...I know if I come home and there is any kind of smell in my house I immediately investigate....

This is a bit like the dilemma that you have when a friend needs a deodorant or mouth freshener .

How do you tell them without causing offence ?

I have a friend ,who is severely epileptic and very easily upset and offended .
She doesn't smell too sweet .

Gosh ,I said your house is so roomy perfect for a downstairs wet room should you ever need one .
She knows that a downstairs wet room is my dream .
We don't need one .
I haven't had a bath nor shower for 25 years , she said .

Then with flowers and chocolates as she was unwell again - I went to visit her .
When her husband opened the door - I threw up and continued to do so over and over again .
I had to pretend that I was ill .
But the truth was -the overwhelming stench of her incontinent cat ,who was using the downstairs as a lavatory .
I've seen her husband a few times when out shopping and he's repeatedly asked me why I no longer visit .
I can't bring myself to tell him why .
Maybe a gift of perfume ,body lotion and matching deodorant would have been a better idea .

I have a friend with a smelly house, but with her its dogs.
I have cats and am very well aware that they can be smelly especially if they have an indoor lotter tray.
I asked her round to my house, and as I was making coffee I asked her, as a friend, would she please tell me truthfully if my house smelled of cats.
'Oh yes of course' says she.
Then I was able to get round to talking of smelly pets in general, gerbils, budgies - and even dogs.
It worked for a while, but she soon reverted.
I can't say our friendship flourished.

It's a difficult one isn't it Peaseblossom and I can understand how you feel. I think as other's have said she is "nose blind". I wouldn't jeopardise a friendship by offending her but maybe ask her if she is struggling with the care of the cats and see what her reply is and then take it from there.

TheKevin, Merryweather did actually say that they were a vet, so my money is in that they are actually a vet.
I have a Maine Coon and she only eats dry food. And that is her choice! ?
It’s very difficult to impose a diet on a cat, as any cat owner will know

that's a bit harsh.TheKevin20 are you a vet?

Merryweather; unless you are a vet, please don't give advice about feeding cats, or indeed, any animal. Your advice is not accurate or required.
It's better to make an excuse, tell the truth or avoid going into the cat owners' House.

Peaseblossom

GrammyGranmy Dishonesty? Really?! I found that offensive actually. I am not being dishonest, I just do not want to upset my friend.

It is good to see that you can speak directly and say what you mean. Even if it is just on an anonymous message board! No try it face to face and tell your friend how offended your nose is!

Snowedunder I can’t believe that your friend wouldn’t put the cat in another room, or in the garden while you were there for that short time. That’s over the top. When I had cats I would definitely have done that for a visitor.

GrammyGranmy Dishonesty? Really?! I found that offensive actually. I am not being dishonest, I just do not want to upset my friend.

I think I would advise her that she is better off feeding her cats a good quality dry cat food rather than wet food as it is not good for their teeth of digestive system. You can say a vet told you (me) plus what comes out of the rear end is less stinky and there’s less in volume too.
As to why she’s not feeding them in the kitchen- I have no idea but you could say something about hoovering all the mess up vs wiping the floor at each feed.
I find wet cat food worse than the smell of a manky abscess!

Could you tell a little white lie and say you could not stop sneezing when you got home and think it may be because of cat hair? (Even very short hair cats shed. Us cat lovers treat it as an occupational hazard but understand if their cat causes discomfort to others)

I have a fear of cats and when invited to visit a work colleague for the first time, asked her if the cat could be put in another room whilst I was there. She said that it was the cat's house and that it would be allowed to roam anywhere. I said that I wouldn't be comfortable with that. So, until Covid struck we always met at a nearby pub for a catch-up. Suited both of us. Honesty was the best policy.
Another friend puts her cat outside when I visit but tells me when the cat is due to be fed. I leave then (normally after a couple of hours). Suits us.

I would agree with the advice to say that you have developed a reaction to the smell of cat food. A recent thing. She will be gracious and move it for you.

She’s probably gone nose blind.
If she is such a lovely friend I would maybe start by asking if she’s managing okay with the cats, she’s maybe not coping well.

Only you being her friend will know what type of person she is, and whether or not she would take offence if you mentioned quite casually, that you were a bit uncomfortable with the smell, and vice versa if she understands you as a person then she would know it’s not coming from a bad place, but just a small favour if ever you were visiting her. I’m sure she would rather move the bowls into another room than lose a friend… so maybe keep things in perspective. It’s a bit like when some of my friends who don’t like dogs or are allergic to our dog… once they TELL ME then I will make sure he is either outside or out of sight, I definitely don’t take offence. If you specify it’s just the SMELL of the food, then that can be remedied by being put into another room whilst your there, that way your not offending her home, her cats, or her habits. Otherwise I’m in agreement with Grammy Grammy on this one, we all want our guests to be comfortable when they visit, but we can only accommodate their comfort if we know what pleases them.
The cat food smell isn’t her problem, its her way…. Whereas your problem is finding your way to tell her, I’m sure once you mention it she will think nothing more of it and you could save a small fortune on Vicks & Perfume ?