Moral dilemma.

Your friend has done what she could to carry out her father's instructions.

To my mind, if he wanted those letters destroyed he should have done so himself, and not waited until it was too late.

In your friend's place, I would probably try to get hold of the letters and burn them as instructed.

I was shocked when a friend found personal love letters between her mother in law and father in law after they died.
Not only did she read them, but she took some to her Book Group and read them out to the women.
I felt that was a gross invasion of privacy and a bad choice on her part.
I would have burned or shredded them.

If you go back to the main page, then there is a list of different places to choose to put your new thread. (Most will use and see 'chat')

If you click on that, there is an option listed as 'start new discussion'.

You click on that, and it prompts you to make a title, then the subject of your thread.

Hope that made sense it didnt to me

I didn’t mean to tag my question on.
Can’t seem to find how to start a new thread

Returning to the original question ( I agree that Jen67patte should start a new thread):
The question now is not whether they should be burned or not, but the siblings' argument. Your friend has no hard evidence of her parents' wishes. Whilst burning them would be the right thing to do, she does indeed risk a family rift.

In her shoes, I would say "Please can we put them away in a box /tin, with a note saying something like - parents asked that these be burned but some of their children don't want to destroy this piece of family history-". OK it passes on responsibility, but satisfies everyone for now.

It is not her responsibility that some siblings read them, and she should not worry about that. Her parents should have been clear in their instructions and weren't. Nobody's perfect!

Jen67patte - you need to start a new thread about this, rather than tag it onto the end of an old one. X

Hello all
I’m just wondering if anyone can tell me what to do?
I was adopted and have had a variable relationship with the parents.
I just have a deep seated thought that something was amiss when I was young but can’t quite get the memories back to know I’m right.
Without too much details mother was/is very manipulative actually and father was on the face of it a kind gentleman but I have an underlying concern about what may have been done to me by them/ him.
This all sounds farcical but it’s bothering me more and more as time goes on.
Opinions please. Thankyou x

trisher

I think your friend needs to talk to her siblings about this and to discover just how much they care about the letters. If her burning them would cause a major falling out she has to ask if it is worth that and would her father have wanted that. Asking for someting to be burned can be done in so many different ways, and her father's suggestion could have been very light hearted and not really concerned with secrecy but simply saying they were not important.
If her siblings are very against them being burned and there would be a major family split about it I think she is justified in handing responsibility for the letters over to them.
The important thing is that the surviving family find a way to move forward together.

I absolutely agree. I think if she were to go ahead and destroy them it would cause a massive family rift. I think she now agrees that she has done all she can by having made it very clear what her father wanted and she should feel no guilt as out of her hands.

I think your friend needs to talk to her siblings about this and to discover just how much they care about the letters. If her burning them would cause a major falling out she has to ask if it is worth that and would her father have wanted that. Asking for someting to be burned can be done in so many different ways, and her father's suggestion could have been very light hearted and not really concerned with secrecy but simply saying they were not important.
If her siblings are very against them being burned and there would be a major family split about it I think she is justified in handing responsibility for the letters over to them.
The important thing is that the surviving family find a way to move forward together.

My father asked me to do something when he was alive. I was unable to carry out his wishes due to my brother who was named executor and I wasn’t. Dad knew brother from whom I am estranged, did not value historical items and asked me to look after some very old urn pots when he had gone. It proved difficult and I was unable to save them. I have felt a sense of unease and guilt since over it. The same will happen with these letters, but friend of op must understand it is not her fault.

Burn them without reading them. You will know you have done the right thing.

Esmay

The honourable and correct thing to do would be to honour her father's wishes.
And the letters should not have been read by anyone .

But people are by nature curious aren't they ?

These siblings wouldn't like other people reading their private mail .

I hope that your friend finds a solution to this problem and it doesn't turn into a massive family disagreement .

It's great that you are supporting her .

you say curious I say unforgivably nosey.

I made the same promise to my mother. She was concerned because she didn't want the letters read but didn't want to destroy them while she was alive. My feeling is that such a promise outweighs any "historical significance" or anything the siblings might want. No ifs ands or buts and yes I would burn without reading. and yes I too think its an appalling breach of trust to do anything else.

I can’t imagine wanting to read love letters between my parents. Anyone else....yes, a bit of a curiosity, but my own parents....definitely not.

Burn them. Those letters are personal.

Certainly not worth a fallout with the siblings.

The honourable and correct thing to do would be to honour her father's wishes.
And the letters should not have been read by anyone .

But people are by nature curious aren't they ?

These siblings wouldn't like other people reading their private mail .

I hope that your friend finds a solution to this problem and it doesn't turn into a massive family disagreement .

It's great that you are supporting her .

It seems like it's out of your friend's hands now anyway.
She shouldn't be hard on herself or fall out with her siblings. I'm sure her dad would have hated that more.

Madgran77

Chewbacca

I think it's an appalling breach of trust to read them, and I most definitely wouldn't.
Terrible thing to do.

Completely agree. Bad enough to go against a dying man's wishes but to invade his privacy too is just shameful. People never cease to astound me.

Absolutely! Astounds me too Chewbacca

I agree, those who have read them have behaved very badly. The person entrusted to destroy them should do just that.

Chewbacca

^I think it's an appalling breach of trust to read them, and I most definitely wouldn't.^
Terrible thing to do.

Completely agree. Bad enough to go against a dying man's wishes but to invade his privacy too is just shameful. People never cease to astound me.

Absolutely! Astounds me too Chewbacca

Ixion what a wonderful treasure to have. I hope the contents of the footstool give you comfort if and when you open it.

I think the advice you gave was good OP. If her siblings want to keep the letters then that's up to them but your friend has tried her best to do the right things.

I would have destroyed the letters without reading in accordance with the wish.

How sad..
I do hope your friend can find some peace of mind.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Her father died of cancer some years ago and think it was when he was ill he asked my friend to do this. After he died apparently she mentioned it to her mother and she agreed, even holding the ladder whilst my friend went up to the loft to look for them. Unfortunately she couldn't find them then and it was actually her brother who found them recently tucked away in a dusty box in a far corner of the loft. It's unfortunate that their father didn't request say this to all of his children as her brother is apparently almost accusing my friend of having made it up and her sisters seem to be very influenced by him. I have told her that all she can do is tell them that they are going against their parents wishes and hope they'll do the right thing. I think it's causing quite a rift and I don't think her parents would have wanted that.

Should I delete the texts between me and my daughter now, then?
In case someone takes it on themself to decide their curiosity is more important than my wishes?

If anybody really wants something done, please take care of it yourself, do not transfer the task to another person.