Am I wrong to feel unhelpful?

On reflection she sounds as though she needs someone like my grandmother - a very practical, wise and "tell it like it is" type of person.

If she thought the person was in need she would probably state a time when it was convenient and invite her round, saying "You may come in for half an hour". During the conversation she would lay out the boundaries. At the end she would stand up and say "Time for you to go now. Ill show you out."

Grandmother was like this with her own family and no one ever got the better of her. Still she was loved and respected because we all knew her rules.

I speak from experience and there is nothing worse than having a "needy" neighbour. I have found that if you give them an inch they will take a mile.

I would probably say something like:-

"I feel akward saying this but I am a very private person and I dont do neighbouring. I have health (or whatever) problems of my own and have to keep my time and energy for sorting them that. Its nothing personal and nothing youve done but I dont go in for chats over the garden fence and inviting people in. I do hope you understand."

And then quickly disengage.

You are obviously a very caring person, Feelingmyage55, but we all have our limitations, much as we’d like to help. Some people need more help that we’re emotionally and physically able to give. I agree with most of what has been said here, you have pointed her in the direction of help/groups she can join which should be good for her. Its what she needs. I would be very wary in case she isn’t all she seems - certainly do not allow her into your garden as it may become a regular request. And do NOT lend her any money, despite any sob stories she might come out with. It does sound as if you’re toughening up already - waving her away when not convenient etc. All the best - I don’t envy your predicament - and don’t be a soft touch with her as she may take advantage, but retain a friendly, if rather more reserved air.

I’d be inclined to put my big girl knickers on and have ^the talk^?
If it was me I would give her time but make it clear when that time would be. I would explain ( all done with a big smile) that I’m a very sociable person but I value my own space and time.
I would tell her ( not so smiley) that my garden is completely out of bounds.
I wouldn’t desert her.

Please do NOT feel guilty. This young lady may indeed be lonely but she has no concept of respecting your space / privacy!! Walking in your garden unknown to you , asking to sit in your garden - not acceptable under any circumstance. IMO these are red flags you should take notice of. Do take care , at the risk of sounding uncaring she may not be what she seems to be. Do not feel obliged to ' help' her - watch out and don't give her cash or gifts. Clearly you are a kindly person and it must go against the grain to fend this young woman off but fend her off you must! There may be more to this situation than meets the eye ! Take care.

Chardy. I have already directed her to the closest GP surgery which has its own midwife and health visitors.

sparkly1000. Yes the partner has a very good job. ?. There are lots of lovely people around and I am sure everyone will give a little support which will add up. We are a very close and helpful community. I already occasionally help my daughter’s friend with childcare and do some voluntary work.

Don't feel guilty. Maybe you could go round to hers for a coffee on a regular weekly basis for half an hour? (You have more control over time if you visit it her)
Can you try to find her an antenatal group? That's what she needs.

Obviously she is lonely and with no mother figure in her life and she will feel this more keenly being pregnant. When is her baby due?

I think she is seeking a mother figure. Quite understandably. However, you are not her mum.

Your needs and your family must come first.

Please don’t feel guilty, you’ve offered her excellent advice, it’s now up to her to act upon it.

One thing that seemed odd to me was that you say that her husband has a good job yet she says that she is short of money.

No one can access our back garden, we have a tall gate with a lock.

Thank you for your helpful words and support.

Thank you all. She came round to the back garden again this morning. I was on my phone and waved her away. Sigh. Due to my previous work, I could give her a lot of guidance but then I had professional boundaries and colleague support.
I’m going to remind her of the advice already given and say that I value my privacy. She came round yesterday and I jumped out of my skin. She apologised and I said I’m very busy”. And waved her away. I’m sitting here thinking of words that won’t offend but will be effective. Off to google how to say go away.

With my neighbour it was actually getting very stressful. Even my husband avoided her and he is happy to say hello to people etc. Ive become very wary and sadly, I have found in life that people mistake kindness and politeness for weakness. There are so many sharks out there and they come in many guises.

Her local health visiting service may be able to help direct her towards groups that she could join or services that are available to her.

A friend of mine also befriended a girl with problems. After a while she told her she needed a loan of a couple of thousand until her divorce was finalised. She lent her the money then didn't see her for several months. When she asked for the money more excuses were given until she said she would contact the police.
It later turned out that the girl had conned several other friends too.

Feelingmyage my heartfelt sympathies to you. You are obviously a lovely person as this is causing you such distress. However you are right to distance yourself and put boundaries up. It is a shame for this young woman, but she sounds excessively needy and the more you give, the more she will take and expect. I wonder if she has been very needy to your other neighbour, hence them directing her to you! It's a pity that Home start centres were closed as that would have helped her. Red flags were there when she asked to use your garden as I would find that incredibly suffocating. I think you are going to have to be very careful or you will end up as a de facto carer for her and her baby when it arrives.

"Feelingmyage55", what a difficult situation you are in.

This poor girl, understandably sounds very needy and requires lots of support. However, although you can show kindness, it's her husband, who should be helping her to seek the support she needs. She must be feeling very vulnerable, especially at a time, when women look to their mum for support.
It would be very easy to get into a situation, where she becomes a part of your every day life. You are right to feel pressured.

As for being in your garden, when you weren't there, that is unsettling. My garden is also my sanctuary, thank heavens for high fencing and a locked gate! I would be saying that it private and I would rather, she didn't come in.
I suspect her upbringing may play a part of her lack of boundaries, she may not realise, that wandering around your garden, just isn't on.

I sympathise for you, I would hate to be on tenterhooks and not be able to enjoy my home.
Hopefully, you will find a solution.

I didn’t ask, just pointed out that she had her own space and drying line, also that there are many green spaces very nearby. The request made me uncomfortable. She commented on my veg plot and I asked how she knew about it; she had walked round the garden!!! We feel that the garden is our private space. Invasive and cheeky.

Just re-read this post. She has asked ‘to use your garden’. This sounds a bit odd, use it for what, to sit in, hang her washing out?

I appreciate her garden is small, but don’t think I would encourage a neighbour to use my garden. You might never see the back of her.

I had a neighbour like this and it was a nightmare. I'm convinced she had an inbuilt radar for everytime I went into my garden. I avoided her like the plague as not being horrible, I've enough problems of my own and long term health conditions. Don't get involved and be wary of people who you don't know well that begin to talk about ' money 'problems. I never discuss finances. Good fences make good neighbours. If it really gets too much, just tell her you keep yourself to yourself. I did that after neighbour complained she hadn't seen me, she's not my keeper, she's a neighbour. Ive learnt the hard way, with neighbours Im polite but distant. Don't let her use your garden or you will never be rid of her. I know this sounds harsh, give these folk an inch and they will take ten miles, not just one. The lady is not your problem, it's her husband she should be talking to.

Just come back. Thank you for so many lovely answers.
You’ve all understood that I am feeling down about not giving more help than I normally would. My DH is currently away on business and I do miss him. I was away for a few days and the young lady was looking for me, having not met me yet. Another neighbour had signposted her to me saying I would be very helpful - I normally am and normally enjoy it. My get up and go has gone! She told me more detail than I’ve written in my opening post and it felt like a huge wave of neediness, really a cry for help.
I suggested the group at the local church hall “mums and bumps”, the local Facebook page with lots of “what’s on”, Pilates, yoga, walking group, volunteering, and the local shop notice board with cards for casual work, clearing tables in the hotel and the like. The closest GP has their own midwife and runs classes for mums to be. I know she is looking for company and support. She said it quite openly and it felt overwhelming. So sad that young people who have been in care can be so cast adrift. Her partner has an excellent job and I hope he is going to be a good support to her.
Thank you for understanding how I feel, a bit disappointed in myself. I can certainly spare the time to chat to her and signpost her and I will. Ah well. The sun is due to shine tomorrow and I will chat to my plants.

I agree you must point her in a different direction to groups etc. and very soon. I'm just thinking what she may be like when the baby arrives. She will either be busy looking after it (and leave you alone) or she may become even worse, wanting your help all the time. There is a possibility she may become more clingy if she feels the baby is too much for her to handle. Explain your situation and steer her away from you as much as possible.

It sounds like she really needs signposting to other local sources of help and company. Say that you'd love to help but have to rest a lot these days.

I think most people would have anxiety with a first pregnancy and no contact with family - in a strange new place. Perhaps suggest local groups and visits to the park, clinic, school, swimming etc. to meet other pregnant women and new mums?

Totally agree *Gagajo.
Very kindly advice . *

Oh and be careful. Short of money. Wanting to use your garden.

No disrespect intended at all, but you know nothing about her really, and she's already mentioned money to you. You're an older lady. Live on your own. You could be seen as a target.