Am I wrong to feel unhelpful?

Don’t feel guilty. You have your own life, your own family. I have a neighbour, widowed, no children or grandchildren, who knocks on my door, and I have to confess, many a time, I have hidden from her. I know it sounds nasty and mean, but when you hear the same story over and over again, it gets tedious. I understand how you feel ?

Goodness! I could have written this at some points in my life!
Do not feel guilty - get rid of that right away! She is not your responsibility!

Having said that, it would probably do her and her baby a great deal of good if you could do a little, so think about what you can do and set boundaries. It may also help you, as if she has boundaries she may be less likely to call at the wrong time. I remember my mum doing this, and I learned from it.
So these suggestions are about you taking control, rather than feeling overwhelmed / guilty.

If you possibly can, ask her in one day (or a cup of tea in the garden) and, without disclosing too much, tell her how you have a lot to do, a family that needs you, and that it tires you out. Tell her that you have little spare time for yourself, but it is pleasant to chat occasionally.

I wonder if you could say something like: Oh yes, we can walk / bus into town together, but then I have to..... That would give her a little company and take you very little extra time.

I think it possible that if you can do that, you can then say, without guilt 'How are you? Sorry I'm in a rush today' rather than hiding!
Good luck

I feel sorry for the girl but you should not feel guilty, you have pointed her in the direction of help.

I have a similar problem, I dread seeing my neighbour but apart from making excuses and suggesting answers to her problems I don't know what to do.

Aww poor lass, she just wants company and a bit of guidance by the sound of it BUT it shouldn't be at the stage where you're feeling this as pressure.

I would help the girl in so much as listening to her, giving advice but draw a line, you have to be kind to yourself as well as to your neighbour.

We all need a friend at times in our lives BUT we also need to be kind to ourselves....

Great advice above Feeling

It's rotten when you've always been a kind, helpful person and your energy levels are now sapped (for whatever reason) so much so that you have to change your behaviour.

It goes against the grain to not do as you normally would but equally it's not wrong to give yourself a bit of looking after at the moment

Oh, the poor girl, brought up in care, lonely and desperate for company. Why don't you suggest she joins a Mums and Tots group (obviously for after the birth). My husband worked away when my children were small and I joined 4 groups in my area and made some lovely friends. She needs to find some friends of her own, and meeting other new Mums is relatively easy these days, as there are so many baby activities that she can attend (Baby Yoga, Little Movers, Tumble Tots etc).

You can only handle what you can handle. We're all different. I'd run a mile I'm afraid, learned that the hard way in the past, allowing people to become dependent on me, and not being able to keep it up.

She needs a Mum's group. Meet others in a similar position to her.

Oh and be careful. Short of money. Wanting to use your garden.

No disrespect intended at all, but you know nothing about her really, and she's already mentioned money to you. You're an older lady. Live on your own. You could be seen as a target.

Totally agree *Gagajo.
Very kindly advice . *

It sounds like she really needs signposting to other local sources of help and company. Say that you'd love to help but have to rest a lot these days.

I think most people would have anxiety with a first pregnancy and no contact with family - in a strange new place. Perhaps suggest local groups and visits to the park, clinic, school, swimming etc. to meet other pregnant women and new mums?

I agree you must point her in a different direction to groups etc. and very soon. I'm just thinking what she may be like when the baby arrives. She will either be busy looking after it (and leave you alone) or she may become even worse, wanting your help all the time. There is a possibility she may become more clingy if she feels the baby is too much for her to handle. Explain your situation and steer her away from you as much as possible.

Just come back. Thank you for so many lovely answers.
You’ve all understood that I am feeling down about not giving more help than I normally would. My DH is currently away on business and I do miss him. I was away for a few days and the young lady was looking for me, having not met me yet. Another neighbour had signposted her to me saying I would be very helpful - I normally am and normally enjoy it. My get up and go has gone! She told me more detail than I’ve written in my opening post and it felt like a huge wave of neediness, really a cry for help.
I suggested the group at the local church hall “mums and bumps”, the local Facebook page with lots of “what’s on”, Pilates, yoga, walking group, volunteering, and the local shop notice board with cards for casual work, clearing tables in the hotel and the like. The closest GP has their own midwife and runs classes for mums to be. I know she is looking for company and support. She said it quite openly and it felt overwhelming. So sad that young people who have been in care can be so cast adrift. Her partner has an excellent job and I hope he is going to be a good support to her.
Thank you for understanding how I feel, a bit disappointed in myself. I can certainly spare the time to chat to her and signpost her and I will. Ah well. The sun is due to shine tomorrow and I will chat to my plants.

I had a neighbour like this and it was a nightmare. I'm convinced she had an inbuilt radar for everytime I went into my garden. I avoided her like the plague as not being horrible, I've enough problems of my own and long term health conditions. Don't get involved and be wary of people who you don't know well that begin to talk about ' money 'problems. I never discuss finances. Good fences make good neighbours. If it really gets too much, just tell her you keep yourself to yourself. I did that after neighbour complained she hadn't seen me, she's not my keeper, she's a neighbour. Ive learnt the hard way, with neighbours Im polite but distant. Don't let her use your garden or you will never be rid of her. I know this sounds harsh, give these folk an inch and they will take ten miles, not just one. The lady is not your problem, it's her husband she should be talking to.

Just re-read this post. She has asked ‘to use your garden’. This sounds a bit odd, use it for what, to sit in, hang her washing out?

I appreciate her garden is small, but don’t think I would encourage a neighbour to use my garden. You might never see the back of her.

I didn’t ask, just pointed out that she had her own space and drying line, also that there are many green spaces very nearby. The request made me uncomfortable. She commented on my veg plot and I asked how she knew about it; she had walked round the garden!!! We feel that the garden is our private space. Invasive and cheeky.

"Feelingmyage55", what a difficult situation you are in.

This poor girl, understandably sounds very needy and requires lots of support. However, although you can show kindness, it's her husband, who should be helping her to seek the support she needs. She must be feeling very vulnerable, especially at a time, when women look to their mum for support.
It would be very easy to get into a situation, where she becomes a part of your every day life. You are right to feel pressured.

As for being in your garden, when you weren't there, that is unsettling. My garden is also my sanctuary, thank heavens for high fencing and a locked gate! I would be saying that it private and I would rather, she didn't come in.
I suspect her upbringing may play a part of her lack of boundaries, she may not realise, that wandering around your garden, just isn't on.

I sympathise for you, I would hate to be on tenterhooks and not be able to enjoy my home.
Hopefully, you will find a solution.

Feelingmyage my heartfelt sympathies to you. You are obviously a lovely person as this is causing you such distress. However you are right to distance yourself and put boundaries up. It is a shame for this young woman, but she sounds excessively needy and the more you give, the more she will take and expect. I wonder if she has been very needy to your other neighbour, hence them directing her to you! It's a pity that Home start centres were closed as that would have helped her. Red flags were there when she asked to use your garden as I would find that incredibly suffocating. I think you are going to have to be very careful or you will end up as a de facto carer for her and her baby when it arrives.

A friend of mine also befriended a girl with problems. After a while she told her she needed a loan of a couple of thousand until her divorce was finalised. She lent her the money then didn't see her for several months. When she asked for the money more excuses were given until she said she would contact the police.
It later turned out that the girl had conned several other friends too.

Her local health visiting service may be able to help direct her towards groups that she could join or services that are available to her.

With my neighbour it was actually getting very stressful. Even my husband avoided her and he is happy to say hello to people etc. Ive become very wary and sadly, I have found in life that people mistake kindness and politeness for weakness. There are so many sharks out there and they come in many guises.

Thank you all. She came round to the back garden again this morning. I was on my phone and waved her away. Sigh. Due to my previous work, I could give her a lot of guidance but then I had professional boundaries and colleague support.
I’m going to remind her of the advice already given and say that I value my privacy. She came round yesterday and I jumped out of my skin. She apologised and I said I’m very busy”. And waved her away. I’m sitting here thinking of words that won’t offend but will be effective. Off to google how to say go away.

Thank you for your helpful words and support.

No one can access our back garden, we have a tall gate with a lock.

Obviously she is lonely and with no mother figure in her life and she will feel this more keenly being pregnant. When is her baby due?

I think she is seeking a mother figure. Quite understandably. However, you are not her mum.

Your needs and your family must come first.

Please don’t feel guilty, you’ve offered her excellent advice, it’s now up to her to act upon it.

One thing that seemed odd to me was that you say that her husband has a good job yet she says that she is short of money.