For the millionth time - “advising ACs”

If he has a teaching qualification, he could make very good money, tutoring online. I appreciate he couldn't do it full-time, but if he made half of what I make, he could pay a couple of your bills (council tax, internet).

He needs to get on LinkedIn and update his 'looking for' details. I get a lot of contacts that way. There will be Facebook pages devoted to his subject that he can join and possibly add a post about offering tutoring. There are also Facebook tutor pages, where he could add his details. There are online agencies (mostly Chinese, but also UK based) he can register with.

He could also sign up to be an examiner for his subject. It's hard work, but if he's hard working, he could earn 2K per qualification (I examine for 4 different qualifications) per exam series (twice a year for most - November & June).

None of this work would require him to leave the house. No commute, no fuel costs, no additional work clothes needed.

I'm not sure about the chances of another degree helping his employability. Is it linked to a particular profession?

Is the non-profit going to pay him eventually? I’m not quite clear on that, whether he has started it up himself and will eventually get a wage.

He needs to be just as passionate about providing for his son as he is about the non-profit work. Everyone wants a ‘desirable’ job but many people simply have jobs that allow them to put a roof over their heads and food in their mouths. Working might boost his mood, too, being with others, giving him more skills and so on. Nothing need be forever, he can look for something else as well.

My DD is currently on maternity leave but will be going back to work FT in July, caring for two small children and studying for a masters so I think it’s more than possible for your ds to work and study.

Exactly SueDonim. I studied full-time and worked in my old job 2 1/2 days a week.

Agree with ex

You are enabling your son not to work by paying for him. This will do him absolutely no good. Believe me. My mum has enabled my brother for years now. He's walked out of at least three jobs and now sits in front of his computer in his bedroom in her flat, occasionally going shopping with her money. He has the utter contempt of all the family. That is what awaits your son. A hard conversation needs to be had. I'm with his ex wife here.

I would expect him to take on part-time paid work during his degree, and I would be very clear with him that all financial support stops within a few weeks of him graduating.

I think you have to be direct and honest with him, because he needs to understand that the current situation is neither sustainable nor fair.

Of course he is satisfied with what he is doing, it is what he wants to do and not what he needs to do. Stop enabling him, he has responsibilities.

Kick-ass-ism is what he needs. Good luck.

I think you can be very directive, considering you and the ex are footing the bills.

Interesting question SueDonim - he didn’t start the nonprofit and says that the founder is currently strategizing with the board to produce a salary for his work. GagaJo - the degree he’s pursuing is in Social Work - it’s a long course and requires an internship which he is currently setting up for the fall. My thoughts are definitely in the direction of a timeline/deadline, as in, “if the nonprofit doesn’t come through by a certain date, you need to minimize involvement and work instead and, once your course schedule is clear, you need to get work that allows you to do both.” FYI we live in the states.

I agree will all of the advice above. Can I add he needs to remember he’s a role model for his son?

The job market in the US is begging for workers now

He has to get a job now to support himself and son,

Please stop enabling them

Enabling him, sorry,

I agree that he needs to get a paid job. If he can combine his degree studies with his non profit work he can combine them with paid work. I worked full time and ran a home whilst studying for my professional qualifications. Stop enabling him, you are doing him and his child, who needs a role model with a work ethic, any favours. It will help his depression too - I speak from experience.

Thanks to all. I agree with the enabling assessment although, as a former psychologist myself, I also think that term has become part of the psychobabble of our times. My dilemma has been due to his history of depression. As a mother, I am so glad that he isn’t in a psychiatric facility again and curled up in a fetal position, that I am tiptoeing around him - the tyranny of a mental illness. In my and his defense, he is working - he’s not sitting in his room playing video games all day, he’s editing research papers on every topic from Homer to neurophysics as well as tutoring high school students on Zoom. He just isn’t drawing a salary per se. I just lost my DH (and he obviously lost his dad) within a year so I’m not at my best in terms of confronting emotional issues.

People can earn money tutoring. Is he not being paid for that?

Unfortunately, the moment you become a parent, you have responsibilities to fulfill, despite the challenges in life.

You know you are not doing him any favours - what would his ex, gc and son do if you are no longer able to support them financially?
Do exactly that, do not boycott their future

It sounds as if he could still do some work that he would like and be paid for it. I volunteer but also work I couldn’t just do unpaid work. I also completed a Masters whilst working full time when I was younger ( now work part time ) It can be done

Baggs

People can earn money tutoring. Is he not being paid for that?

Exactly. I do it full-time and earn a full-time teachers wage.

You are simply enabling him to pick and choose how he spends his days. He needs to be paying his way. He can get out there and be a delivery driver while he's studying for his next qualification.

What are you getting out of this?

You need to step back and set goals for him. I too suffer from depression and until recently, early retirement, worked full time, studied, ran an home and bought up 2 children, currently helping with grandchildren. Yes I know having depression can be debilitating, but he is obviously OK at the moment and doing what he wants, but not contributing to the family. By you enabling him to enjoy doing what he wants he will never contribute to earning a living for the son he helped to create. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit strong, but I've wanted to end every thing even I just felt I could not carry on, but you have to for the children. Xxxx

He needs to 'Man Up'

Of course he’s content- you and his ex-wife are financing him. What incentive does he have to find gainful employment?