Gransnet forums


Modern Weddings

(71 Posts)
SueSocks Sun 08-May-22 12:30:41

My neice got married over a month ago. I only know this as her sister posts everything about her life on Instagram. My sister didn't tell me about it and we were not invited. I am not really bothered about the lack of invitation, wouldn't have gone anyway as I am not comfortable in social gatherings, but it would have been nice to have been told, especially as I contributed a lot financially to both girls growing up!
My other neice posted lots of photos on Instagram, what a shock! In one of my many hours of being unable to sleep I googled the venue etc. Eye-wateringly expensive, £10K for the venue, £70 per head for catering (2 of the options for main coruse were pie & mash or sausage & mash), £3K for the dress, £400 for designer shoes, presents of fob watches for the groomsmen. The wedding photos were like something out of a fashion magazine. Photos included the veil, shoes, bouquet and perfume on a chair, photos of the bride and groom in front of the firework display, no traditional group photos. The happy couple also did a pre-wedding photo shoot in a local beauty spot. I must add that neither my niece or my sister are wealthy!
Are all modern weddings like this? Each to their own but I find this extravagance very over the top, although my sister would love it. Such a huge sum of money for just one day. I am glad not to have been invited, I would have found it very uncomfortable.

GrannyLaine Sun 08-May-22 18:22:22

I'm sitting on the fence a bit here. I had a very low key church wedding but that was the way it was done then. It seems to me that many couples now tend to get married a bit later in their relationship when they are perhaps ready to start a family. That was the case with the 3 of my 4 children who are married. They were each given what we considered was a fairly generous budget to plan their weddings and each was magical in its own way. All had wonderful photographs, DVDs taken on the day and lovely venues for the reception.
When the going gets tough and the reality of parenthood (or just married life) strikes, I think it's a wonderful thing to look back on that day and remember being surrounded by those who love you and to remember the vows you took that day. Some who were present on those days are no longer with us and the memory of the part they played is poignant. The one thing that we made sure our children understood was that it is the MARRIAGE that is important, not the WEDDING.

pinkprincess Sun 08-May-22 19:54:54

It is not the actual wedding day but the years afterwards which are the most important.
I know of two examples of short lived marriages. My DS2 who has been married and divorced twice.Both times were very low budget occasions in the register office. The other was the son of a friend's wedding.No limit to the cost, huge two receptions, expensive outfits etc. It lasted just over a year before the happy couple decided to part company.

Elizabeth27 Sun 08-May-22 20:23:53

Nobodies business but the couple getting married. Looking up the costs of someone else’s wedding is rather odd behaviour.

Vintagejazz Sun 08-May-22 20:47:08


If they wanted it and could afford it then frankly it is nobody else's concern. A lot of po faced disapproval on here! To be clear, it wouldn't be my ideal but hey-ho, everyone to their own

If we are expected to attend these weddings and pay the various expenses that come with them then absolutely we are entitled to comment.

If these couples want to have their 3 day weddings with overnight accommodation and leave from work and often plane tickets required and week long hen parties in majorca and cash gifts to fund extravagant honeymoons without somehow involving anyone else then absolutely it's their own business.

Hithere Sun 08-May-22 21:05:54


That is why an invitation is not summons

If it is something you cannot or want to attend, say congrats and support the couple from afar

Vintagejazz Sun 08-May-22 21:12:07

Easier said than done Hithere. Siblings, close friends, grandchildren etc tend to take offence if you regret their wedding invitation.

Audi10 Sun 08-May-22 21:24:00

It’s never really bothered me what other people choose to do regarding their weddings! Myself I prefer small weddings but each to their own, That’s a very nasty comment 62granny jeez! How do you know how long their marriage will last!

Tricia2 Sun 08-May-22 21:36:08

I have found that amount of money spent on a wedding is not in any way related to the love between the couple.

BlueSky Sun 08-May-22 23:26:30

I know more than one couple who have waited till now to get married ‘properly’ because of the Covid restrictions. Considering they were second marriages, I wouldn’t have wanted a lot of fuss anyway.

NotSpaghetti Mon 09-May-22 01:41:27

This is SO true vintagejazz, I know someone who went on a short UK honeymoon instead of the one she would have had so that she and new husband could afford to go to a siblings "far away" expensive wedding.

Vintagejazz Mon 09-May-22 09:16:44

Some brides and grooms seem to plan weddings that are as inconvenient as possible for guests to attend and then get offended when invitations are declined.

If you want all your invitations to be accepted then hold your wedding as locally or centrally as possible and confine the official celebrations to one day.

If you want to have your wedding abroad or in some picturesque location in the middle of nowhere, with post wedding parties and barbecues then accept that many of your friends and relations can't afford to fly out to Italy or take 3 days leave from work to attend, or already have other plans for their leave and holiday budget.

Don't start taking umbrage when they decline your invitation, or guilt trip them into attending, or complain about them behind their backs.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 12:21:10

Guests should not expect a couple to take guests' budgets into consideration for them to attend the wedding

Couples should also not get offended the event is not attended for whatever reason

Both are unreasonable


Hithere Mon 09-May-22 12:23:39

Ah typos

Vintagejazz Mon 09-May-22 12:37:24


Guests should not expect a couple to take guests' budgets into consideration for them to attend the wedding

Couples should also not get offended the event is not attended for whatever reason

Both are unreasonable


Absolutely. As long as it is understood that guests should not be made to feel under any pressure whatsoever to attend these weddings and the bride and groom will be happy if only half a dozen out of their 200 invitations are accepted, and if even even some of their siblings and closest friends won't be attending, that is reasonable.

But we all know that's not what actually happens.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 12:44:47


You know that if the couple is that unreasonable, it is not your problem - they can get mad and then unmad (new word) again

Vintagejazz Mon 09-May-22 12:52:47

As I said before, that can sometimes be easier in theory than practice.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 13:23:07


What is the big deal about this? Life is practice, never theory

Everybody cannot be happy 100% of the time.
Not all guests will RSVP yes to a wedding
If you have an issue with budget, i am sure other guests too.

Vintagejazz Mon 09-May-22 15:09:32

I don't quite understand your tone Hithere. I am joining in a discussion and giving my view and my experience of reactions when invitations are turned down.You are the one who seems to be getting defensive here.

LOUISA1523 Mon 09-May-22 17:38:07

Each to their own...I've been to 30k weddings....registry office then down the pub weddings ....and many in between....I love a good catch up with family/friends and can't say I enjoy one more than the other

M0nica Mon 09-May-22 18:24:33

I think a lot depends on your fianacial situation. a couple in their 30s with house and good jobs may decide that as they can afford it they will have it.

But I can rememeber going to a wedding in the 1960s. although both bride and groom had comfortably off parents, they were as poor as church mice. They had bought a house (as one did then) but it was tiny and the groom had a nearly two hour commute to work in London, but they couldn't afford aanything else. However the bride's father wanted the best for his daughters wedding and spent about the whole cost of the house on the wedding and I can remember sitting there thinking that for a slightly less expensive wedding he could have given the happy couple £1,000 so that they could move to live near a station that would shorten the daily commute.

I would point out that while some couples do have these enormous weddings, the majority of 'modern weddings' are much smaller and more reasonable.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 18:29:40

"However the bride's father wanted the best for his daughters wedding and spent about the whole cost of the house on the wedding"

I always wonder if it is the parents or the couple who escalate the need of a big wedding

Smileless2012 Mon 09-May-22 18:33:04

I agree HousePlantQueen each to their own, and if all concerned enjoyed the day and were happy with the cost it isn't anyone else's business.

VioletSky Mon 09-May-22 18:39:06

I dont understand why this is ok as an OP?

Im not sure i'd want that sort of energy at my wedding

M0nica Mon 09-May-22 18:50:51

Hithere I think it was done to show how well off he was. he was a Scots farmer who migrated down to the south east to run a farm in Kent, the whole family come south for the wedding and I think he wanted to show off how well he had done - and the bride was an only child.

Knowing them both, I suspect that they would have preferred the money, but went along with her father because it was clear it was what he wanted and like many brides, she loved her parents dearly.

grannypiper Mon 09-May-22 19:07:58

Weddings are more like a circus theses days. My Nephew and his wife who already had a 2 year old had 3 stag/hen do's each, 1 each abroad, 1 each elsewhere in the U.K and one each in their home town. Divorced within 18 months. Another couple i know who had a 6 year old, spent £24,000 on their wedding day, on top of that they had a 2 week trip to disneyworld Florida. When they came back they were so skint they had to give up their house and move back in with her Mum. They too are now divorced.
It seems to me the more expensive the wedding the quicker the divorce.