Is this really what children are for???

You’re nicer than me, GrannyGravy13 - I’d certainly wish it on some of the pious types I mentioned - even just a month, on their own, with no help or time off.
That’d larn ‘em! ?

Witzend dementia, Alzheimer’s and similar are dreadful diseases. I agree that unless you have had to deal with a close member of the family with one of them it’s difficult to understand the all encompassing exhaustion, frustration and guilt.

The disease or the caring for someone with it, is not something I would wish on anyone.

I certainly wouldn’t want my ACs to look after us and we’ve told them that as well.
However, I know of a family whose first child was disabled and they went on to have 4 more children so that he would have them to look after him when his parents died.
It worked out fine, the youngest daughter was always his favourite sister and she cared for him until he died.

What a nerve Witzend. Your SiL absolutely deserved to find things difficult.

I’ve often said on Gransnet that my mother is 94 and now lives in a care home near to us. She’s always been quite demanding and we did loads for her after she came to live near us after Dad died some six years ago. Even when she didn’t live near us she demanded quite a lot of us but little, if anything, from my sister. We were the ones running up and down the country (500 round trip) every time she was admitted to hospital, which was a lot, for her imaginary heart complaints (all investigations revealed nothing, but you wouldn’t believe how many times she was admitted claiming heart pains.) At 94 she has outlived everyone else in the family so she must be pretty strong. She had to move into a care home following a fall when she broke her shoulder. She now still has very high expectations of us, including a daily visit, which I have managed to reduce following advice from other Gransnetters. Sometimes my husband visits to give me a day off, or my wonderful DiL goes one day a week, and sometimes my sons visit over the weekend.
My mother absolutely believes that children are for this, she’s made it fairly clear. She always thought that my sister and I should have married and lived around the corner from her, and never forgave us because we didn’t.

imaround

When we had our kids, we never though about having them so they could take care of us.

Now that I have spent 6 years taking care of my Grandmother and the last 5 months taking care of my parents, I will do anything in my power to stop my children from having to take care of me.

After both my FiL and my mother with dementia, I feel just the same, Imaround.

Might add that I get heartily sick of pious comments from people who’ve never had to cope with dementia, and have no idea of the practical realities, who say they’d never put a parent in a care home.

I was accused of downright selfishness by the younger sister of FiL, when (after he’d lived with us for about a year) we were finally looking for a care home for him. She insisted on one near her - luckily she lived in a seaside town popular with the elderly, where there were plenty to choose from.

The excellent one we finally chose was just across the road from her flat.

And lo, after just a very few weeks, she was on the phone wailing that she couldn’t cope - he was coming every afternoon, pacing and repeating the same question - she couldn’t watch Countdown!

She did eventually have the (very grudging) grace to admit that she’d been wrong to call me selfish.

Boy, I guess I'm different. In our family, as far back as I know of, we've always looked after the previous generation. I'm amazed at the number of people who say they still furnish money and help for grown adult children, but seem horrified by the idea they should expect or accept help in old age. Logically, if you don't expect help in old age, children should not expect or accept help or money after the age of consent, be at 18 or 21. Of course we often help our children beyond that age, but I don't think it unreasonable to expect some help in return in our old age. It's rather uncivilized and selfish to raise generations of children who feel like they should continue to accept help well into adulthood, but not supply the same for parents who may be struggling.

Witzend. A lady I know never went out to work, or married. She was expected to stay at home and help her mother. She did so until her mother died, at the age of 96. She also looked after her unmarried brother, who lived nearby, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. She has never been on holiday. Her only pleasure was to go to the pub once a week, where she chatted while her brother played snooker.
He died recently, and now she is well-off from the proceeds of both family members' estates, but she doesn't know how to enjoy herself. Serving the family was all she knew. Invitations to go out are refused. At the age of 74 she sits at home, or takes her little dog for a walk. She will have no family to care for her in her old age. I feel so sad for her.u
As for myself, I live alone, but have a son and daughter living nearby. Though I'm 82 I am still in good health and, presently visiting the other 3 'kids' in Australia. My home is being cared for, in my absence, and I know that they will always give me a hand with jobs I can't cope with. I do the same for them. I don't plan on them being my carers, though. I hope to leave this earth quickly and quietly, but plan B will be a care home. If my house has to go, to pay for it, then so be it. All five of them are comfortably settled in life, and don't need an inheritance.
I certainly never had my children in order for them to care for me in my old age. They have their own lives to lead.

When we had our kids, we never though about having them so they could take care of us.

Now that I have spent 6 years taking care of my Grandmother and the last 5 months taking care of my parents, I will do anything in my power to stop my children from having to take care of me.

From my training college days I remember a philosophy that says We don't own our children they are only on loan. I don't think that is quite right as we can not exchange them like library books.

It is often a cultural issue. Look at other countries where there are no homes for the elderly or disabled.

i sometimes feel as if i am a burden at times to my only son, he gets annoyed when i do something that i should not, like hang curtains, lift or move something that is too heavy, i have had various health problems over the last 3 years and have been in and out of hospital but i don't want to keep asking him. i live on benefits as i am only 58 they are not great but i can manage. i told him i was in the middle of ordering a new microwave, an hour later a text saying one would be delivered the next day. he is brilliant but i did not have him so he could look after me in my old age. he has been told that if i get to the point of needing a lot of care then i go to a home and my funeral is just a cremation with no service. he is still my little boy and i want to make life as easy as possible for him, not for him to be running after me.

I helped my parents out if I could - and I think there probably was an expectation that us adult children would. I did it out of love. It’s what families do isn’t it ?
As for my own offspring they live overseas so it will be different when my time comes …

Over the last few years my kids have complained that I don’t ask enough of them. My husband was useless as a ‘help around house and garden’ …so I’m used to bending my back and getting on with it. Now he’s in and out of hospital and respite care..( I’ve been caring for him for 26 years after a small stroke) … they say I should have called on their help more. But they have lives /children to get on with. Also I remember my mother being dependent on me for help with my ailing father , from when I was 13 til 21 ….when he died. My teenage years were non existent…. I would never pass my burden onto my kids….I remember the resentment too well!

Someone once told me ‘be careful how you treat your children, they’ll be choosing your care home’ ?

?*MissA*. It will get better.

kwest you have to look after yourself first and if there is no money left for children then so be it.

I had to borrow some money off my grandson last night.

You are all sounding very brave and independent. Is no one terrified that if their partner dies there may not be enough pension without re-mortgaging their house to pay the ongoing bills for their house? Have any of you found yourselves in your seventies helping out your adult children financially? I have no intention of asking my children for anything but there is a possibility that their inheritance (mainly the house) will have to fund the retirement of one or both of us if we are to believe the predicted costs of a basic standard of living in the future. We work hard and live simply but my husband says he has no intention of being cold or hungry just to leave a chunk of money to our children, each of whom have lovely houses of their own and other possible money being left to them by other people. So no we won't ask them to do anything for us. We may reach a point if there is a major expense needed for work to the house that we offer them the choice of helping with the cost or accepting that if we need to raise money against the value of the house then their inheritances will be less. I am not mean but I am concerned.

Before any welfare state this was what people needed children for. My great grandparents had 16 children and brought up a disabled grandchild as well. In there old age their many offspring helped them - financially and otherwise. As they had both been brought up in the workhouse as abandoned children, I suppose their fecundity was a means of safeguarding their old age against a return visit in old age.

I had 10 years caring for my mum with dementia, whilst bringing up two kids alone and working full time at a stressful job. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all my beloved children. I’ve therefore begged them to immediately put me in a home, the second it seems necessary and (shhhhh) asked my medic son to make my passing quick and easy.

No, I’ve never thought that. In fact, one of our sons had to take over when his grandfather was dying, as we both had Covid and weren’t allowed to go to sit with him, and I felt terribly guilty, and had to keep reminding myself he was a fully-functioning adult who wanted to support his family!

If it wasn't said as a joke, it is certainly an old-fashioned view and I do not think that even my grandparents' generation felt that was the only reason they had had children.

Our generation could choose to have children or not, or to have them when it was convenient. Earlier generations could not, as contraception was either not available or regarded as immoral or irreligious. And a society without old age pensions or care for the elderly did engender a feeling that adult children would and should care for their ageing parents.

The way things are going, our grandchildren may have to do the same when their parents grow old and infirm, as probably neither they nor their parents will be able to afford professional care.

Never - even though I'm the youngest of 4 I spent 7 years seeing my Mum over 4 different cancers until she died in 2019. My reward? My brother fitting to prevent his 3 sisters receiving any inheritance and 2.5 years later he is still forcing Mum's inheritance to sit in a solicitors bank account! In all of this My Mum isn't remembered apart from by me. I have told my children if I ever need that type of care I will move into a home - I would never put them through that.

They often have to work to put a roof over the family’s heads and food on the table Aepgirl. I did. No choice. You are lucky if you had that choice.

my FIL expected his only son, my DH to sell his home and go to live with him are he became older - he was furious when DH and I married , had a family and insisted on a separate life - he hated me for that from the bottom of his soul!
My DIL is from another culture - her parents are very poor by our standards, have no pension or access to reasonable health care - she is well paid in the UK and sends them enough money to live above the poverty line in their country.