My DD has moved back in with me but won’t make a decision about her abusive marriage

I feel very sorry for the predicament you and your daughter find yourself in.
You because you home life is disrupted by your worry about your daughter's situation and her unreasonable behaviour in your house; she because she is desperately trying to hang on to her marriage and your palpable dislike of your son in law makes her defensive and resistant to your advice.

Stop trying to advise her and forcing her to make a decision; listen sympathetically but tell her she has to make her own decisions and don't be drawn. Don't make your house so easily available to her next time there is an upset; suggest that running away solves nothing and in returning to her husband she has to accept the consequences.

If you pressure her into leaving him she will blame you; if she stays with him without a bolt hole she may well come to realise how unreasonable his behaviour is and take action of her own volition.

So many echoes of my own experience over the last year with our DD. 10 years of their marriage, 7 years of 3.00am tearful phonecalls, or both of them yelling at each other - every family birthday or Christmas ending with them rowing. He became increasingly disturbed, wild spending, threats of suicide. Then he tried to have her evicted from 'his' house. Even when she had separated from him she spent months weeping 'because she still loved him'.

So they sold up, she paid him off and moved in with us with Gson. She had been on sick leave for 9 months. All went well till letter from work outlining phased return. Boom.

The extent of how broken she was became clear. I became the focus for everything wrong. And I mean every little thing and some very big things.

She accused me of child abuse - of giving her the worst childhood in the world. Tried to get between me and her dad, bless him he was so upset.

Finally in March bought a house and moved out, Last words to me were hope you ** off and die.

I only kept my sanity while she lived with us in the last months by keeping busy outside the home, taking breaks away, walking walking walking and earphones on when I got home.

We trust them to men and the men break them so badly they possibly can never be fixed. We will blame ourselves. But life will go on and we can make some of the pain go away. Hopefully.

easybee
if she stays with him without a bolt hole she may well come to realise how unreasonable his behaviour is and take action of her own volition.

Or one of them might end up dead ,like my sister

Im so so sorry to hear that paddyann and I agree with you.

If we know a relationship is abusive, that doesnt mean we know everything, so much more could be happening behind closed doors that we don't know.

A safe space can be life saving and there is no cost too steep to offer or find it elsewhere until the person in the abusive relationship can heal

ThanksVioletsky it was nearly 30 years ago,but it never leaves you .
It does make me sad that abuse victims are somehow seen as being complicit because they stay in the relationship .Thats not the case ,its often part of the abuse to make them feel they cant survive without the abuser.That happens over a long period of time ,little things and people are removed from their lives ,one at a time ,until they aren't really the person they were .
All and any efforts to seperate them from their abuser are treated suspiciously as if parents and siblings and friends "have never liked him ." or the one I heard often "you just want him for yourself"
To refuse a bolt hole is the biggest mistake you can make ,if they are strong enough to leave dont ever coerce them to go back and sort it out .You may never get them away again.

I miss the sister she was ,happy smiley ,singing round the house ,she was a good bit older than me and married when I was 9.I dont miss the person she became,the worry ,the sleepless nights .Comforting my parents .
Thankfully ,in some ways,my dad died just months before she did .She was his blue eyed girl and his heart was broken watching the life she had .
I hope the OP can save her daughter from the same fate ,its the toughest thing to watch knowing theres nothing you can do but wait .

Hi GramaJ ,

You are doing your very best for your daughter .

Of course, you are sympathetic and supportive .

Take heart .

Wishing you both lots of luck for the future .

Paddyann, I was very sorry to hear about your sister. I do not believe that people suffering from emotional abuse are necessarily complicit; I experienced this and lived with my parents for a time, which made me realise I had to confront the situation and become independent.
The OP stated that her daughter had returned home on numerous occasions as her husband had been emotionally abusive (she struggles to accept this). So she is leaving the situation frequently, taking her frustrations out on her mother, only to return with nothing changed. People have to make their own decisions and I am very sorry that your sister was not able to leave this abusive situation.

I’m so very sorry about your sister paddyann54.

An update on our situation.
I’m not advising my DD one way or another but have told her that, whilst there will always be a place for her here, she can’t keep going back to her husband and running away when things go wrong.

She is having counselling and slowly getting stronger mentally. I’m fairly confident that she will find the strength to break away and hopefully start living a happier life again. It will just take time.

We’ve also had a discussion about living arrangements and she now has her own space upstairs where she can retreat too and also give me some space.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.