Dennis Waterman's daughter talks of rows with Rula

Such sad and traumatic experiences. I can only commend you both for going on to lead good lives and bring up families.

So hard to shake all this off - sometimes something just triggers a memory; but more generally, I think this need to learn to be wary is behind my unquashable feeling that I am on the outside of things, watching others making happy relationships while a part of me is on the periphery.

When I was a social worker we used to talk of "watchful wariness" in children as a warning sign. I knew what they meant; but on nowhere near the scale that Avalon and Kate are talking about.

From my pov, I think that my parents were each in their own ways damaged by the war.

I think as you get older it bothers you more. In my case, I am constantly looking for reasons why I'm like I am, wishing I was different. It's not going to happen now so I'm trying to accept.
I get flashbacks. Kids at the door saying 'Your dad's lying on the pavement with blood on him' (from fighting). So much more. Not good. Still no one gets off lightly do they?

I think most children have heard a row between parents. I heard the odd one but nothing major.

But DW said re RL that "She wasn't a beaten wife, she was hit and that's different" Words fail me on that one.

He also made a chauvinistic comment that there is a place for women at home.

He did say he was ashamed of hitting Rula and so he golly well should, never acceptable at all.

The war had a lot to answer for in terms of marital relationships. Couples got married without really knowing each other, men returned home as strangers to their wives and children, and divorce was not that acceptable, so rows ensued. One thing I do know is that mum loved me and dad loved me too. The rows were still awful and mainly about my brother. To avoid it mum sent brother to her mums down the road.

?? to all of you who had it so much worse than siblings and I did.

Katy1949
I hope this will give you a smile.
Me and my sister did try to kill my violent father. I was about 13, she was 10.
When he came round from his drunken sleeps he had to have a bottle of Tizer next to him. Mum mum had so many uppers, downers, Purple Hearts, Valium, Librium etc.
We crushed a load of them and put them in the Tizer. He woke, glugged the Tizer and went back to sleep.
He woke up a few hrs later with a thick head, bugger. ?

Some of your stories are horrific.
I used to watch old episodes of New Tricks late at night and now I believe DW wasn’t acting - the male, chauvinist he portrayed was really him.

Meryl. That was brave! I'm glad you didn't succeed. Not for him but for both your sakes!

What sad and difficult stories from some posters - what awful childhoods. Mine was not violent, but lacking in laughter and 'normal' life as my parents were ill suited and home was a silent place for the most part. To have the fear and the physical abuse that some have endured must be terrible. I do think the war inflicted so much trauma on everyone that they perhaps behaved differently because of what they had endured. I have always told myself that was why my upbringing was as it was.

Maybe so Rosina. Who knows? My parents were from Southern Ireland and didn't arrive here until after the war so that reason doesn't apply to them.

Also, you are correct about fear. I was frightened at home and frightened at school of the Catholic nuns, brothers and priests.

ShazzaKanazza

My mum and stepfather her 2nd husband had some awful arguments and my siblings and I used to hide in our bedroom terrified. I used to cuddle them all. It’s used to come to blows at times. We were always scared whenever drink was involved too and nearly all my life I wouldn’t celebrate new year because of some bad memories.
As a result my husband and I never argued because I refused too we just wouldn’t speak. I never wanted my children to hear an argument and experience the terror I felt as a child.

I used to not argue, because that's what my dad did. But after a few frank talks with people, and looking into my own background with dad just letting mum rant on, I learned I had to argue some times. We don't need full on wars with each other, but we each need to have our says, vent, get feelings across!
It is very annoying for your OHs if they feel they need a discussion and you bury yourselves in books or whatever!

No shouting rows in our house, but awful cold silences that lasted for days, neither one speaking to the other. My sister and I would be told to pass the occasional message between them. The atmosphere was horrendous.

So many children grow up with rowing parents. My mum talked about taking her 3 younger siblings into her bed to cuddle when her parents were ‘fighting’. When we were growing up, She found expressed anger, even rows about politics very unsettling. We learned to push anger or unhappiness down because of this. We were though never exposed to parents who were shouting, fighting, frightening. We were also never smacked so very lucky.

I read Julia’s article and wondered if financial gain motivated it. It’s her lived experience so she’s every right to discuss it. One feature seemed to be being brought up by adults with a party lifestyle where alcohol lowers inhibitions and children lack the routines and stability they need. At least, when with DW, rather than her mum was the impression I got.

I only remember one major row between my parents; it was when my brother was causing problems for them. My brother was about 13 and I was about 8 and I clearly remember sitting on the stairs crying. So my heart goes out to anybody who experienced this on a regular basis. My in-laws had a rocky marriage and my younger sister-in-law used to wet herself in fear, it has definitely had an effect on her mental health. Thankfully my DH and his older sister are nothing like their parents and it is only recently that they have spoken to each other about their childhood and what it was like for them.

In the 1960s both my parents worked but it was often difficult because of strikes at the time so money was tight. We as children would bite our nails and wanted what seemed like constant arguments to stop. I remember wishing my parents would divorce but didn’t really understand what that entailed. I loved them both they were never bad to us just each other verbally.

Compared to a few friends who did have very abusive fathers we were only subjected to arguments. When the strikes ended and money was earned my parents did their best for us. I am glad they stayed together each in their own way were loving and caring parents.

I have read about Dennis Waterman and his lifestyle. I his think daughter was an actress maybe there’s not much work about. Discussing her childhood might give her an income but are people really interested when they have had their own problems who knows.

I think his daughter

I don't think anyone is really interested Redhead. My husband is sympathetic and supportive However, he sometimes says to me 'People don't want to know. Laugh and the world laughs with you Cry and you cry alone' . I speak a lot about my experiences. It helps me. My siblings don't talk about it. They are younger and didn't experience the worst of it.

Kate, if it helps to talk, do it x

Thank you Iam.