Rude Grandchildren

Move on and leave them to it. I speak from several years of experience. However much you try you’ll not change it. Or them. It really is up to the parents. Unfortunately as grand parents we imagine we can influence what they do and think and choose. The truth is we cannot. In the main. It’s hard to accept but their lives are just so separate from ours. The only solution is to stop being delusional and accept it. Is my advice.

This might be worth reading
www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/fact_sheets/Challenging_behaviour_toddlers_and_young_children/#:~:text=Signs%20and%20symptoms%20of%20challenging%20behaviour&text=fussiness%20(e.g.%20refusal%20to%20eat,tantrums.
Its Australian, but relevant.

Any chance of giving us some actual examples?
Perhaps a situation might arise where you say "stop jumping on the furniture" and they say "no, mummy let's us jump on furniture" and they continue jumping.
Or if you've been outside to play and you ask them to take their muddy shoes off and they flatly refuse and run across your new carpet laughing because you can't catch them?
Are they being deliberately naughty or do they think their behaviour is funny?
Do they have tantrums like lying on the floor kicking their heels?
Do they misbehave when eating, throw food, tip salt on each other's plates?
Do they refuse to put their toys away?
I'm not sure exactly what you're dealing with.

Your house so you are entitled to have rules. Just as school has rules (assuming the 5yonhas started). I've tried the " we do or don't do (whatever) in my house" on visiting children. They've given me looks that could kill but have complied.
Eg we "we sit down for drinks and snacks in my house please" followed up with " we don't walk round with drinks" etc if needed.

If they've been at nursery they may well be in need of letting off steam, but that doesn't mean that they should be allowed to be naughty.

I would suggest introducing something that gets them to use up some energy when they first get to your house - a game of football in the garden or whatever is suitable.

I'd also suggest limiting rules to one or two most important ones and thinking out the best way to encourage those - you know the children and your circumstances best. An example would be no television until things were cleared away.

I once taught a class which was, initially, horrendous. They played up and didn't do their work. I introduced a system whereby the ones who had finished their work were lined up before the bell rang and were ready to go out for break as soo as it did. Those who'd worked but hadn't finished were told to pack up and go once the bell had rung. Those who'd been messing about stayed in for an extra few minutes. I had to be consistent, but within a short period of time they were fine and were a lovely group of children - even one of the naughtiest turned out to be a character in the nicest way.

A system, consistency and patience - good luck!

www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Toddlerdom-Keeping-twelve-year-olds/dp/0091816246/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&crid=1WKVHZPJ2H0DQ&keywords=toddler+taming+CHRISTOPHER+GREEN&sprefix=toddler+taming+christopher+green%2Cstripbooks%2C60&tag=gransnetforum-21&qid=1656935285&sr=1-11 I can recommend this one: easy to read and common sense from an Ozzie paediatrician and granddad. Health Visitors used to hand these out to parents and grandparents where I worked (as a speech & language therapist). Also - "your house, your rules". I used to apply this in my clinic, and kids very quickly understand the difference in context, as teachers know.

As a ex childminder and looked after quite a few children. My advice would be my house my rules. Even in front of the parents yes not your children but it is your home. Children need boundaries. My step grandson was like that when first met him and when I noticed his mum saying nothing and me giving my son the look lol. I then got him to sit on step and explain to them why. I never said anything to him at first but I used to dread him coming Now I just have to look at him. My son now as a child with his mum and as my son said he’s not going to let him be disrespectful and he isn’t he’s 3yrs old and he knows his boundaries yes he acts up at times but he’s a toddler. Children need to know different between right and wrong. In all my years as a child minder I never had a parent tell me I was wrong in fact it was other way lol. When at school teachers do same thing do they not.

My dd and dil both suprised me by telling me that when my grandchildren were younger and misbehaving at home they just had to say "I wonder what Granny would think if she saw you behaving like that". Those words apparently went a long way to restoring good behavior very quickly .
the grandchildren all know that I adore them but in my house we do pay attention to table manners and the sort of conversations that are appropriate at the dining-table, absolutely no silly toilet humour. Beyond that pretty much total freedom.

You sound like you want to control their Mum and her rules for her children. Not a good idea if the children are too much for you don't have them. Just relax a bit and enjoy them if you can.

If this is happening when they are at yours, I think you are justified in trying to control them.

At 3 and 5 the best way to go may well still be to try distracting their attention.

If that does not work,, try saying firmly but in a normal tone of voice, "That's enough. "

Have you discussed what you see as naughty, bad, or disrespectful behaviour with your daughter?

I would ask her what her rules are - if she just ignores their behaviour, it might be because she knows this is the quickest way of getting better behaviour.

If not, and she either is not bothered or sees nothing wrong with what they are doing, you will either have to put up with the children's maughtiness, or set you own boundaries.

If you chose the latter course, do try quietly and non-critically t0 discuss it with your daughter first.

Children as young as this can learn that Grammie's rules in Grannie's house are different to Mummy's rules at home.

Excellent tactics!

I feel very lucky - I don't see my grandchildren that often, but when I do they are very kind and polite and if there is any cheeky chat that my daughter hears, she is quick to say "Don't talk to your grandmother in that tone!". As I say, I'm very lucky.

Scary grannie ?
I introduced grannies rules when my 3 and 5 year old grandsons candy down three times after being put to bed. Next ring they had a sleep over, I tucked the 3 year old into bed and asked if he could remember grannies rules. Yes he said, bath, clean teeth, story then you stay in bed till morning. ?
His mum tried to introduce grannies rules ……

I always make sure I’m a bit frightening to small children, it has worked well ??

I think the problem is the mother if she doesn’t reprimand them for anything they will push boundaries, they all try it, give us some examples of what things they do chantilly,

I’m not sure I understand what the behaviour you see as naughty is. Or what’s led you to your wits end. You say mostly they’re good boys and you look after them a couple of times a week. Is that after school/nursery? If so, it’s easy to set a routine for that period of time. Children thrive on (flexible) routines. Ours know it’s in from school/nursery, drink and snack at the table, or in front of the tv. May play in the garden or have a walk, then tea and mum or dad will be arriving soon. We fit in drawing and colouring or stories, hiding things in the garden to find. Being busy or crashed out watching cartoons help avoid getting too giddy and winding into scraps I find

I guess it depends on what you mean by controlling them.

If I watch my GChildren, we do one task (play) at a time, then tidy. For example, the colouring books don't come out until the blocks are picked up. If they want the cars, then the toy food gets put in the basket first.

I give them plenty of warning when we are going to switch tasks, so as not to pull them away from something when they are not ready.

Mine are a bit older now, ranging from 8 to 4, but I do remember the challenges of 3 year olds wanting to do their own thing. Part of it is letting them know your expectations. I never allowed jumping on furniture; it they felt the need to jump, then we put shoes on and went out to the yard, etc.

If they had a melt down, then they were placed on the floor in our spare bedroom to cry and kick, and told to come out when they were ready.

VS is spot on! They are still so small.

Baffling to me why adults continue to expect adult maturity and behavior from small children.

OP

It is futile trying to control another person, adult or child.

3 and 5 are all about pushing boundaries - dont you remember how your own kids were at that age?

They are little more than babies for goodness sake let them find the boundaries without you "controlling" them .
I dont believe in granny's having different rules from parents ,its confusing for wee ones .Either stick with Mum and Dads rules or dont have them ...its you who'll miss out not them .
We havea 3 year old GD and she is "assertive" I'd hate to think someone would try to change that so she fitted their victorian standards for toddlers

Your DD is of course entitled to raise her children as she sees fit - however you are entitled to let her know that unless she backs you up you will refuse to take care of them . Both my daughters trust me implicitly when their children are in my care. I set boundaries to ensure their safety and my sanity. I am no longer a spring chicken and rules are set to enable me to care for them safely. My daughters would never question my method and their children know that what Grandma says goes! That's not to say it is always plain sailing, they have their moments!! but I am confident in disciplining them . Your daughter must understand that you are doing her a massive favour , she is not entitled to free child care and is very fortunate to have you. Talk to her and explain how you feel and that their rudness is causing you great distress. If having the children has become something you dread then only you can change that and DO NOT feel guilty. AC sometimes forget we are getting older . Speak to your DD and sort this out between you, when the children are with you , you are in charge . The children must recognize this and so must their Mum !! Good luck , if things don't change tell your daughter that if their bad behaviour continues you can not guarantee their safety and she should find alternative child care. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is time for change!

My younger Gdd (2 1/2) says no to just about everything - her elder siblings hardly ever did.

Nowadays - before she starts! - I usually say (if it’s food) ‘You don’t want any of this, do you?’ or e.g.’You don’t want to put your shoes on, do you?’ ‘You don’t want to go in the bath, do you?’
It usually works!

chantilly, your house your rules. Insist they are obeyed.

I remember when I was a child, if any event like this happened, my mother would just put me in the garden and shut the door and ignore me for a bit. If your back garden is safe. I would do just that.

If they are in your house then you make the rules, not the Mother.
If she says you can’t, then don’t look after them, she will soon change her mind.

They are quite young and at that age often say no without thinking. If they are genuinely being rude and defiant then warn them they will have a consequence and stick to it. They may tantrum a few times but will get the message. Sometimes it is better to change the activity or chivvy them into doing something else.