Reducing contact because my heart just isn't in it.

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

Yes, I am aware. I have adult children. I did raise them very differently and, fortunately, it seems to have worked with them.

I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation, lovethepuppies. It’s a credit to you that you are thinking of them & not wanting to hurt them, even though you are hurting yourself.
You say that you have finally reached this point….have you tried to explain to them how you feel and what has brought you to this point? Do you think it is possible for you to work with them to improve things before taking such a drastic step, which would be so difficult for all of you?

I still can't see private messages but will reply when I can. This has been a while coming. I've let it go up till now but nothing is going to change the current situation. Talking about it won't achieve anything. I'm not looking for estrangement, I just can't play along with the close relationship pattern anymore. It doesn't feel real. That's a bit to take in but no, I don't want to hurt my parents. They don't deserve that. Some hurt may be inevitable though. Hopefully I can access my messaging soon.

All credit to you that you are thinking of your parents feelings even though you want to distance yourself. If your children are adults what is their relationship with their grandparents??
Do they also have a reduced relationship with them??
I imagine this is complicated and there is much more to it but if your adult children have a good relationship with their grandparents would encourage that but try to pull away gradually yourself whilst still keeping a narrower line of communication open because as you say your parents are not getting any younger.

For context I am fully estranged from my abusive parents and I don't feel a bit of guilt for it. Hey neatly, I don't really care how they feel about it either. That being said, your situation is clearly different from mine.

Without knowing about how you currently communicate with them, I would advise that you start by being less available. Maybe you can pick a time of day to check/respond to messages. If you talk on the phone, pick a cadence that feels right to you (like once a month) to call and chat. Of course you would make exceptions for emergencies.

If there are certain divisive topics that come up, just gently tell them that you aren't up to discussing it and be firm about it. End the conversation if they don't respect that boundary.

They will probably be hurt by it but there's no avoiding that. Sometimes you just have to take a big step back to save the relationship. Keep communicating that you love them.

*Honestly not "hey neatly"

I have been learning about low contact to protect my own peace. I have come across some interesting ideas. One of the way to protect yourself that might help you is to become very boring. Polite conversation and not giving any personal details of your own life. This is meant to be to protect yourself from having things used against you to hurt you. It is an emotional disconnect from the negative parts of the relationship while encouraging anything positive.

Fallingstar

All credit to you that you are thinking of your parents feelings even though you want to distance yourself. If your children are adults what is their relationship with their grandparents??
Do they also have a reduced relationship with them??
I imagine this is complicated and there is much more to it but if your adult children have a good relationship with their grandparents would encourage that but try to pull away gradually yourself whilst still keeping a narrower line of communication open because as you say your parents are not getting any younger.

My children (in their 20s) aren't that great at staying in touch with their grandparents. I think that's not that uncommon for the age group? It's not really conscious. Probably because I tend to be in place to facilitate ongoing contact with organising things that go on. However, they are adults, so I don't think it would be wrong for them to have to work out their own relationship with their grandparents. I'm certainly not going to hinder the relationship.

User138562

For context I am fully estranged from my abusive parents and I don't feel a bit of guilt for it. Hey neatly, I don't really care how they feel about it either. That being said, your situation is clearly different from mine.

Without knowing about how you currently communicate with them, I would advise that you start by being less available. Maybe you can pick a time of day to check/respond to messages. If you talk on the phone, pick a cadence that feels right to you (like once a month) to call and chat. Of course you would make exceptions for emergencies.

If there are certain divisive topics that come up, just gently tell them that you aren't up to discussing it and be firm about it. End the conversation if they don't respect that boundary.

They will probably be hurt by it but there's no avoiding that. Sometimes you just have to take a big step back to save the relationship. Keep communicating that you love them.

I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood. There was definitely abuse in my childhood, especially from my father who had anxiety issues and took them out on us. I have been able to acknowledge that wasn't acceptable but move past that. Harder to move past is that my mother was having to overcome the effects of my mother's emotional neglect. Having needs was being difficult. We weren't allowed to have boundaries and, if we wanted them, we were being difficult or inflexible. Feelings were wrong, it wasn't that bad, we were being silly.

I've done the exact opposite with my own children and they think I did a good job of it, so hopefully that's a pattern broken.

I don't expect my parents to be perfect. I'm not. No-one is. My mother has just sent something into the mix that might be a last straw. What that looks like now, I am working out. I do call regularly but I think I might stick to messaging for now.

InRainbows

I have been learning about low contact to protect my own peace. I have come across some interesting ideas. One of the way to protect yourself that might help you is to become very boring. Polite conversation and not giving any personal details of your own life. This is meant to be to protect yourself from having things used against you to hurt you. It is an emotional disconnect from the negative parts of the relationship while encouraging anything positive.

I have been leaning this way too. They also get most of their information about my children from me. I think it might be time to let them all manage their own relationships. I can just tell them what I've been doing with myself.

lovethepuppies - please keep the lines of communication open. I have a big family. Most of the time we message one another. We talk when we get together, not that often, but we do.
Your parents are not getting any younger. I am probably in their age group. I have had issues with 2 of my children, but somehow we have managed to let it go over our heads. I was willing to admit to my failings. I am glad that at this stage in my life, things are calmer.

Or just stop doing it, it and just not telling? Then they might ask, and you can decide what to say back, and see how that reshapes things.
Doing this - leaving them to do the asking, make the contact, will give you a better picture of how they will react to low levels go contact.

Similarly, if your children ask after them, just say, ".oh yes, here you go, here are their details"
That leaves it in their hands now they are grown up enough. You dont have to justify yourself, tho its probably good to say if asked, "well, I guess I dont feel I need to be a go between now you are grown up".

Grey rock stuff.

crazyH

lovethepuppies - please keep the lines of communication open. I have a big family. Most of the time we message one another. We talk when we get together, not that often, but we do.
Your parents are not getting any younger. I am probably in their age group. I have had issues with 2 of my children, but somehow we have managed to let it go over our heads. I was willing to admit to my failings. I am glad that at this stage in my life, things are calmer.

The lines of communication are open. They could never afford to visit family when I was growing up, so I never knew my family outside my parents and one sibling. I have a big one out there, but they are strangers.

I know my parents aren't getting younger and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may not see them both alive again (everyone lives with physical distance) . I wouldn't say the current situation is a failing on their part. It's one of those situations where they've sent a hurtful message that can never taken back, whether they intended to or not.

Wyllow3

Or just stop doing it, it and just not telling? Then they might ask, and you can decide what to say back, and see how that reshapes things.
Doing this - leaving them to do the asking, make the contact, will give you a better picture of how they will react to low levels go contact.

Similarly, if your children ask after them, just say, ".oh yes, here you go, here are their details"
That leaves it in their hands now they are grown up enough. You dont have to justify yourself, tho its probably good to say if asked, "well, I guess I dont feel I need to be a go between now you are grown up".

Grey rock stuff.

They will ask and I will tell them then. The situation with my children and them isn't of concern right now. They can do just what you suggest and take up contact themselves. My parents have suggested coming to visit me but I don't want that right now. So we'll see.

lovethepuppies

User138562

For context I am fully estranged from my abusive parents and I don't feel a bit of guilt for it. Hey neatly, I don't really care how they feel about it either. That being said, your situation is clearly different from mine.

Without knowing about how you currently communicate with them, I would advise that you start by being less available. Maybe you can pick a time of day to check/respond to messages. If you talk on the phone, pick a cadence that feels right to you (like once a month) to call and chat. Of course you would make exceptions for emergencies.

If there are certain divisive topics that come up, just gently tell them that you aren't up to discussing it and be firm about it. End the conversation if they don't respect that boundary.

They will probably be hurt by it but there's no avoiding that. Sometimes you just have to take a big step back to save the relationship. Keep communicating that you love them.

I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood. There was definitely abuse in my childhood, especially from my father who had anxiety issues and took them out on us. I have been able to acknowledge that wasn't acceptable but move past that. Harder to move past is that my mother was having to overcome the effects of my mother's emotional neglect. Having needs was being difficult. We weren't allowed to have boundaries and, if we wanted them, we were being difficult or inflexible. Feelings were wrong, it wasn't that bad, we were being silly.

I've done the exact opposite with my own children and they think I did a good job of it, so hopefully that's a pattern broken.

I don't expect my parents to be perfect. I'm not. No-one is. My mother has just sent something into the mix that might be a last straw. What that looks like now, I am working out. I do call regularly but I think I might stick to messaging for now.

A lot is going to depend on what age you are, your parents are, and your grandparents. If your grandparents were victims of WW1, your parents of WW2, and you are the next generation, it was a generational suffering that made these people the way they were. You would need to move past it. If they are post war, 60s, and 70s, then life became easier and you are dealing with personal influences as opposed to what the nation went through. Remember also that a time will come when they won't be able to do things for themselves anymore..................

SpinDriftCoastal

lovethepuppies

User138562

For context I am fully estranged from my abusive parents and I don't feel a bit of guilt for it. Hey neatly, I don't really care how they feel about it either. That being said, your situation is clearly different from mine.

Without knowing about how you currently communicate with them, I would advise that you start by being less available. Maybe you can pick a time of day to check/respond to messages. If you talk on the phone, pick a cadence that feels right to you (like once a month) to call and chat. Of course you would make exceptions for emergencies.

If there are certain divisive topics that come up, just gently tell them that you aren't up to discussing it and be firm about it. End the conversation if they don't respect that boundary.

They will probably be hurt by it but there's no avoiding that. Sometimes you just have to take a big step back to save the relationship. Keep communicating that you love them.

I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood. There was definitely abuse in my childhood, especially from my father who had anxiety issues and took them out on us. I have been able to acknowledge that wasn't acceptable but move past that. Harder to move past is that my mother was having to overcome the effects of my mother's emotional neglect. Having needs was being difficult. We weren't allowed to have boundaries and, if we wanted them, we were being difficult or inflexible. Feelings were wrong, it wasn't that bad, we were being silly.

I've done the exact opposite with my own children and they think I did a good job of it, so hopefully that's a pattern broken.

I don't expect my parents to be perfect. I'm not. No-one is. My mother has just sent something into the mix that might be a last straw. What that looks like now, I am working out. I do call regularly but I think I might stick to messaging for now.

A lot is going to depend on what age you are, your parents are, and your grandparents. If your grandparents were victims of WW1, your parents of WW2, and you are the next generation, it was a generational suffering that made these people the way they were. You would need to move past it. If they are post war, 60s, and 70s, then life became easier and you are dealing with personal influences as opposed to what the nation went through. Remember also that a time will come when they won't be able to do things for themselves anymore..................

My parents were born mid-50s. I'm in my early 50s. No war suffering accounts for what's going on at the moment. I know a number of women in my mother's age group. Sometimes I tell them things that happened in my childhood quite casually, just telling a story, and they think it was harsh of my parents. My mother just isn't a sympathetic person.

I am aware the time will come when they can't do things for themselves. I've spent a lot of time trying to support them to resolve these issues before that time comes but they are 'escape to the country' parents who have made their choices to age with distance and isolation. They haven't planned well. I even offered to buy them a home close enough for me to be of support to them, but they aren't interested. When things require it, I'll be calling the support services to report the situation.

You offered to buy them a home closer to you but they didn’t want to know. That was very good of you but has it left you with a sense of rejection which with everything else has made you feel the way you do? Is it that you keep trying, wanting their favour, and they keep not responding? If so you are best off stepping back as it seems you want the unachievable.They seem very independent people who chose to move miles away. It is what they wanted to do and they must be responsible for themselves. Please stop beating yourself up. If they want help let them ask for it. Keep contact albeit at a lower level and above all stop worrying.

25Avalon

You offered to buy them a home closer to you but they didn’t want to know. That was very good of you but has it left you with a sense of rejection which with everything else has made you feel the way you do? Is it that you keep trying, wanting their favour, and they keep not responding? If so you are best off stepping back as it seems you want the unachievable.They seem very independent people who chose to move miles away. It is what they wanted to do and they must be responsible for themselves. Please stop beating yourself up. If they want help let them ask for it. Keep contact albeit at a lower level and above all stop worrying.

I totally agree with Avalon. All the best.

Some really good advice here lovethepuppies.

It's to your credit that while looking for ways to protect yourself, you are simultaneously wanting to reduce the impact this may have on your parents.

For me, Oreo's post is spot on. The advantage of going low contact is that although your parents may be aware of a change, they will be spared the pain of being estranged, and you will hopefully be in a better 'place'.

I feel that it's important that you find a way to strike a balance between taking care of you, and not having any guilt. I was going to say guilt and regrets, but I think there will always be regret that you were unable to have the relationship with your parents that you wanted.

I'm sure you'll be able to come up with a feasible reason to delay the visit and I suggest that whatever reason you give, doesn't allow for further discussion.

I wish you well .

Is there a way to gently pull back? Yes, do just that. Gradually make them less prominent in your life. Don’t contact them as often, don’t focus on them as much, don’t visit as often…and slowly reduce the intensity of your relationship. If you are doing this because you feel you can’t give any more, it'll probably come naturally. If it makes you feel too guilty, I would examine what your deeper feelings are.

Dear OP, your situation resonates with me.
Both my parents are dead now. I didn't put distance as they aged as I had already done that some years ago when I moved to a different country. They had very little interest in my life, so I shared very little.
However, 10 years ago my mother died suddenly, and my father lived on for 5 more years but had dementia. My siblings put a lot of pressure on me to share the care which I resented due to their and my parents, lack of support for me, especially when my children were small and when I had operations. So, I did help, but on my terms which caused a lot of resentment, on their part.
Now, my relationship with my siblings is strained.
I did make an effort for about 3 years after my dad died, but realised it was one sided.
I've stepped back now and answer their messages, on the rare occasion they message, and don't initiate.
I am concentrating on my life and family and friends here (where energy is matched) and am happier for it!

25Avalon

You offered to buy them a home closer to you but they didn’t want to know. That was very good of you but has it left you with a sense of rejection which with everything else has made you feel the way you do? Is it that you keep trying, wanting their favour, and they keep not responding? If so you are best off stepping back as it seems you want the unachievable.They seem very independent people who chose to move miles away. It is what they wanted to do and they must be responsible for themselves. Please stop beating yourself up. If they want help let them ask for it. Keep contact albeit at a lower level and above all stop worrying.

The offering them a home was a separate issue. I do understand that. They don't want to leave their established community. Of course they don't. That makes total sense and, in many ways, it's not good for older people to do that. However, my offer was in response to their concern that they have no family around to care for them. I have no problem with them rejecting the offer but I'm glad I made it.

MarieElla

Dear OP, your situation resonates with me.
Both my parents are dead now. I didn't put distance as they aged as I had already done that some years ago when I moved to a different country. They had very little interest in my life, so I shared very little.
However, 10 years ago my mother died suddenly, and my father lived on for 5 more years but had dementia. My siblings put a lot of pressure on me to share the care which I resented due to their and my parents, lack of support for me, especially when my children were small and when I had operations. So, I did help, but on my terms which caused a lot of resentment, on their part.
Now, my relationship with my siblings is strained.
I did make an effort for about 3 years after my dad died, but realised it was one sided.
I've stepped back now and answer their messages, on the rare occasion they message, and don't initiate.
I am concentrating on my life and family and friends here (where energy is matched) and am happier for it!

I think this sounds like a very fair and balanced approach. I think your last sentence is where I need to be - and where my parents need to be too.