Offending an old friend - AIBU?

She is high maintenance and thinks only in terms of herself,whilst she may be lonely,she must learn you have other people to see.

Moods?
Personality defect more like. What an odd bod.

Hi Nanamar ,

Sadly, you can't really do anything about it .

Just remain pleasant and friendly and avoid a row or confrontation .

I moved away after knowing a neighbour for three years .

Initially , she told me that she found her previous neighbours too much and she didn't want to be friends with me .

Then , when I moved she was devastated .
And then ,the nastiness crept in .
When I phoned she'd answer and walk away from the phone whilst she talked to other people .
I'd be hanging on for ages .

After some years , she began an affair with an old flame and used me as an excuse - telling her husband that she was spending weekends with me .
I didn't actually know .
When the guy became serious - she ditched him .

When her husband found out - he blamed me for encouraging her affair .

And that's when she told me that she couldn't be friends with me anymore because her husband wouldn't like it .

This continued for about a decade whereupon she began to contact me again .
I can't stand her moods anymore .
I've made better friends .

Grandmatrigger

Have any of you considered leaving your husband

Should this be a new thread ?

My first thought was to ring her in person and talk face to face. On reading your 2nd posting, however I don't think that is a good idea. She only seems to think of herself. I would not do any more running. Leave the ball in her court. URBR

Grandmatrigger

Have any of you considered leaving your husband

What an odd question on this thread. Can you enlarge please?

Have any of you considered leaving your husband

Maybe like yourself your friend also wants to cut ties and doesn't want to see you either....I'd just leave it be....Its a shame if you had a good connection but sometimes friendships just fizzle out when one of you moves away....Enjoy your trip home NANAMAR.....

Yes, having read your 2nd post she does sound difficult and high maintenance.

Nanamar, having read your second post, I would say, move on from this friendship. You don’t need friends who sap your physical and mental energy. You will find that you can do no right as time goes by.
Enjoy your visit and have fun with your more reasonable friends.

My first reaction, one that I’d often have in these situations, would be ‘how would you feel if things were the other way round?’
But, after your second post giving much more information, I’d wait to see if the friend contacts you.
She is obviously offended and it’s really up to you whether you want to continue the friendship. There doesn’t seem to be much point.

If you think it's the end of the road do nothing, wait and see if she contacts. If she does, meet up and then after that just leave it be

If you are not sure what you want with this friendship then I would reply to her message saying "OK let me know if you want to meet up and if you do then we can try and find a mutually convenient date" Then leave it, balls in her court and she can make her choice

I’m not known to be loaded with it though ...

Urmstongran

Ooh this is cosy ... plenty of agreements!
Dickens ?

... common sense is common sense, innit!

Ooh this is cosy ... plenty of agreements!
Dickens ?

Unfortunately some friendships run their course. I have had the same friends for over thirty years. During lockdown I would see them just by knocking and talking passed the gate. To drop something off pickles chutneys or liqueur I had made. It's something I have always done. One friend just hasn't bothered with me or another friend. We always put ourselves out for her as she was a widow and not as outgoing as us.
I don't put myself out now because I think that friendship wasn't as important to her. I know I have not offended her so it's up to her to get in touch if she doesn't that's fine too.

I agree Baggs. She sounds high maintenance.

I agree with Urmstongran.

Co-ordinating a group meeting of friends isn't something you can leave until the last minute.

If the OP had made arrangements with the friend first - she may well have had to change them because of the complexities of getting various people together... and that often means changing dates to accommodate.

If you think about it, it's a logical way to plan and I think the friend is being both unreasonable. And illogical.

She’s known for three months - as have all my friends and family - that I was coming and when. She is the only one who seems to have taken offense that she didn’t come “first” and she’s also the only one who didn’t contact me to be ask what i already had planned and to be sure to set a date in advance. I think you’re correct, nandad, that I’m frustrated and probably done with this relationship especially since, after caring for and losing a very sick DH, I just don’t have the energy to deal with some things. Shortly after my DH’s last grueling months and his death, I announced my intent to move and she showed up at my home literally sobbing about what I was doing to her by moving.

Don't respond, leave the ball in her. court. She clearly thinks she deserves special treatment and it sounds like you've. done all you can in the past.

Some people just have to be at the centre of attention unfortunately.

Enjoy your visit

What she is saying is "Think of ME first because I'm the important one." Very childish.

I wouldn't be sorry your friend is offended has taken offence in a silly way. I'd just figuratively roll my eyes and move on. Let her have her strop and maybe she'll contact you when she's in a more reasonable frame of mind. If not, then a shrug and a hey-ho are in order. A 'friedn' who behaves like this is not a friend.

But wouldn’t you accept that coordinating a group can be a nightmare? You need lots of options as when you’re nearly there, there’s always one who remembers why THAT date isn’t possible!

Far easier to slot a one-to-one in using one of those discarded dates.

People can be so touchy.

I'd be a bit hurt as well. I wouldn't sulk, but I'd feel I was being fitted in around the other friends she'd contacted .

I think I would be upset too. She’s a very close friend who was distressed when you moved, but you waited until you had made arrangements with other friends and on your arrival, to contact her. Did you tell her you would be visiting? I would feel very much like an afterthought. Perhaps, subconsciously, this was your intention as you feel that the relationship has now run its course. This isn’t a criticism, it’s just how relationships go sometimes. If you are fed up with her then just leave it.