Offending an old friend - AIBU?

I think you've done as much as you can to keep the relationship going. If you still want to see her, offer her a choice of two dates which pins her down. If she says neither suits then ask when would suit. If she doesn't reply, I would leave it in her hands.

I had this when I used to return to Holland. One friend made me feel guilty if I didn’t prioritise her on my visits. She has since died and to be honest it has made things easier.
I just used to ignore her sulks.

Is she offended because you planned in advance to meet others but only contacted her when you arrived? Does she interpret this as an indication you value her less?
GMB’s suggestion to offer two dates and then give her the opportunity to arrange a time is worth pursuing imo.

If you see also thinks of you as a very close friend then I can see why she is miffed that you didn’t make arrangements to see her first and fit the others around it. I don't think she is a very close friend.

I agree with Grandmabatty. Except that I'd offer a couple of dates & then just leave it at that. If your friend can't make either then I'd give up trying; IMO life is too short to keep making an effort with "friends" like this.

I quite understand that you would arrange to see groups of people first as this often takes some coordinating whereas a single person can more easily arrange a meet I would have thought.
Leave it up to her. If she wants to see you she will get back to you.

Your life ... you have tried can't do any more ... enjoy yourself ... her loss ... wait until & if she contacts you .... harsh I know ... now ... go out enjoy yourself with your other friends

I think I would be upset too. She’s a very close friend who was distressed when you moved, but you waited until you had made arrangements with other friends and on your arrival, to contact her. Did you tell her you would be visiting? I would feel very much like an afterthought. Perhaps, subconsciously, this was your intention as you feel that the relationship has now run its course. This isn’t a criticism, it’s just how relationships go sometimes. If you are fed up with her then just leave it.

I'd be a bit hurt as well. I wouldn't sulk, but I'd feel I was being fitted in around the other friends she'd contacted .

But wouldn’t you accept that coordinating a group can be a nightmare? You need lots of options as when you’re nearly there, there’s always one who remembers why THAT date isn’t possible!

Far easier to slot a one-to-one in using one of those discarded dates.

People can be so touchy.

I wouldn't be sorry your friend is offended has taken offence in a silly way. I'd just figuratively roll my eyes and move on. Let her have her strop and maybe she'll contact you when she's in a more reasonable frame of mind. If not, then a shrug and a hey-ho are in order. A 'friedn' who behaves like this is not a friend.

What she is saying is "Think of ME first because I'm the important one." Very childish.

Don't respond, leave the ball in her. court. She clearly thinks she deserves special treatment and it sounds like you've. done all you can in the past.

Some people just have to be at the centre of attention unfortunately.

Enjoy your visit

She’s known for three months - as have all my friends and family - that I was coming and when. She is the only one who seems to have taken offense that she didn’t come “first” and she’s also the only one who didn’t contact me to be ask what i already had planned and to be sure to set a date in advance. I think you’re correct, nandad, that I’m frustrated and probably done with this relationship especially since, after caring for and losing a very sick DH, I just don’t have the energy to deal with some things. Shortly after my DH’s last grueling months and his death, I announced my intent to move and she showed up at my home literally sobbing about what I was doing to her by moving.

I agree with Urmstongran.

Co-ordinating a group meeting of friends isn't something you can leave until the last minute.

If the OP had made arrangements with the friend first - she may well have had to change them because of the complexities of getting various people together... and that often means changing dates to accommodate.

If you think about it, it's a logical way to plan and I think the friend is being both unreasonable. And illogical.

I agree Baggs. She sounds high maintenance.

Unfortunately some friendships run their course. I have had the same friends for over thirty years. During lockdown I would see them just by knocking and talking passed the gate. To drop something off pickles chutneys or liqueur I had made. It's something I have always done. One friend just hasn't bothered with me or another friend. We always put ourselves out for her as she was a widow and not as outgoing as us.
I don't put myself out now because I think that friendship wasn't as important to her. I know I have not offended her so it's up to her to get in touch if she doesn't that's fine too.

Ooh this is cosy ... plenty of agreements!
Dickens ?

Urmstongran

Ooh this is cosy ... plenty of agreements!
Dickens ?

... common sense is common sense, innit!

I’m not known to be loaded with it though ...

If you think it's the end of the road do nothing, wait and see if she contacts. If she does, meet up and then after that just leave it be

If you are not sure what you want with this friendship then I would reply to her message saying "OK let me know if you want to meet up and if you do then we can try and find a mutually convenient date" Then leave it, balls in her court and she can make her choice

My first reaction, one that I’d often have in these situations, would be ‘how would you feel if things were the other way round?’
But, after your second post giving much more information, I’d wait to see if the friend contacts you.
She is obviously offended and it’s really up to you whether you want to continue the friendship. There doesn’t seem to be much point.

Nanamar, having read your second post, I would say, move on from this friendship. You don’t need friends who sap your physical and mental energy. You will find that you can do no right as time goes by.
Enjoy your visit and have fun with your more reasonable friends.

Yes, having read your 2nd post she does sound difficult and high maintenance.