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Viva your Vulva - in Edinburgh

(173 Posts)
FarNorth Tue 26-Jul-22 11:31:44

Elaine Miller is funny and factual.

"50% of women aren't sure which is their vulva and which is their vagina. Elaine Miller, a funny, frank, factual fanny Fellow of Physiotherapy doesn't think that's OK. Learn what's in your pants, what an orgasm is, how tell a clitoris from an elbow and importantly, why on earth nobody told you this stuff before now. Elaine won the Comedy Award at Fringe World, was a vulva on CBeebies, said 'fart' on Woman's Hour, presents on women's health in parliaments and wants to change the world, one fanny at a time. Starting with yours."

tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/viva-your-vulva-the-hole-story

There's a Mumsnet thread about it too.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4597473-elaine-miller-viva-your-vulva-at-the-edinburgh-fringe

Mine Thu 28-Jul-22 15:21:27

I laugh when I hear the word fanny....I'm not sure if its just common to Scotland but the word fanny is used a lot....If you do something like stand on a poo say someone will say..Aww ya fanny yey..and everyone will burst out laughing...I actually heard Gordon on the TV programme 2 doors down saying it last night....

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 15:30:12

As I've said, if everyone on this thread went to the doctors with thrush, for example, it would be the doctor who diagnosis the problem, despite "Mrs. Willoughby, front bottoms, labia minors or majors being the chosen words.

Gestural communication is fine, in fact, recommended, in cases when people don't have the language skills.

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 15:33:17

Bah! Minora and majora.
Even my phone doesn't like those words.

Chewbacca Thu 28-Jul-22 15:35:42

How about the review for veet mens hair removal cream

Never, NEVER, NEVER be tempted to use Veet on your fandango, placket fastener, Mrs Willoughby or whatever else you call it! It's absolute agony! I walked like John Wayne for a fortnight! Never did that again!

Baggytrazzas Thu 28-Jul-22 16:03:46

chewbacca I've a vision of going in to my gp surgery and trying to explain that " the problem is that I've put veet on my placket fastener " while pointing at my "down below" "front bottom" area.... you've just set me off again. Bet the instructions on veet only say something like " for external use only" and do not offer such a wide range of alternative words such as we have gathered here. gawd.

Madgran77 Thu 28-Jul-22 16:13:17

My children were taught the 'proper' words, just as they were taught to say eyes and ears

Which works well until one's 3 year old announces at the top of his voice whilst staring fixedly at a man with a bulging pair of swimming trunks, standing in a fish and chip queue,

"Mummy that man has got a penis"!!!

I am speaking from experience!! grin grin

FarNorth Thu 28-Jul-22 16:20:33

There are a huge amount of women in our generation who "put up with" sex rather than learned how to enjoy it. I think younger generations might be better off.

The young people, now, think that sex should be the porn they can all see. ?

SueDoku Thu 28-Jul-22 16:22:57

Lovely poem - shows how popular the name was in Victorian days.
Mind you, it would be a hoot to recite it now - keeping a straight face of course...?
The Cane-Bottom’d Chair
BY WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY
In tattered old slippers that toast at the bars,
And a ragged old jacket perfumed with cigars,
Away from the world and its toils and its cares,
I’ve a snug little kingdom up four pair of stairs.

To mount to this realm is a toil, to be sure,
But the fire there is bright and the air rather pure;
And the view I behold on a sunshiny day
Is grand through the chimney-pots over the way.

This snug little chamber is cramm’d in all nooks
With worthless old nicknacks and silly old books,
And foolish old odds and foolish old ends,
Crack’d bargains from brokers, cheap keepsakes from friends.

Old armour, prints, pictures, pipes, china (all crack’d),
Old rickety tables, and chairs broken-backed;
A twopenny treasury, wondrous to see;
What matter? ’tis pleasant to you, friend, and me.

No better divan need the Sultan require,
Than the creaking old sofa that basks by the fire;
And ’tis wonderful, surely, what music you get
From the rickety, ramshackle, wheezy spinet.

That praying-rug came from a Turcoman’s camp;
By Tiber once twinkled that brazen old lamp;
A Mameluke fierce yonder dagger has drawn:
’Tis a murderous knife to toast muffins upon.

Long, long through the hours, and the night, and the chimes,
Here we talk of old books, and old friends, and old times;
As we sit in a fog made of rich Latakie
This chamber is pleasant to you, friend, and me.

But of all the cheap treasures that garnish my nest,
There’s one that I love and I cherish the best:
For the finest of couches that’s padded with hair
I never would change thee, my cane-bottom’d chair.

'Tis a bandy-legg'd, high-shoulder'd, worm-eaten seat,
With a creaking old back, and twisted old feet;
But since the fair morning when Fanny sat there,
I bless thee and love thee, old cane-bottom'd chair.

If chairs have but feeling, in holding such charms,
A thrill must have pass'd through your wither'd old arms!
I look'd, and I long'd, and I wish'd in despair;
I wish'd myself turn'd to a cane-bottom'd chair.

It was but a moment she sate in this place,
She'd a scarf on her neck, and a smile on her face!
A smile on her face, and a rose in her hair,
And she sate there, and bloom'd in my cane-bottom'd chair.

And so I have valued my chair ever since,
Like the shrine of a saint, or the throne of a prince;
Saint Fanny, my patroness sweet I declare,
The queen of my heart and my cane-bottom'd chair.

When the candles burn low, and the company's gone,
In the silence of night as I sit here alone—
I sit here alone, but we yet are a pair—
My Fanny I see in my cane-bottom'd chair.

She comes from the past and revists my room;
She looks as she then did, all beauty and bloom;
So smiling and tender, so fresh and so fair,
And yonder she sits in my cane-bottom'd chair.

Madgran77 Thu 28-Jul-22 16:25:17

I have just read the whole thread and I am crying with laughter!! Even though I do actually think it is important for people to know the facts!!

nexus63 Thu 28-Jul-22 16:46:54

i can honestly say i know what my vulva is and did so before i got vulvar cancer last year, there is no excuse for women or men not to know about there body parts, there is plenty of educational stuff online...and no i don't mean porn.

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 16:50:37

youtu.be/vYLN-ISPz8U

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 16:59:09

Nobody needs an excuse not to know, though.
They can show the doc.
Job done.

Madgran77 Thu 28-Jul-22 17:34:28

nexus63

i can honestly say i know what my vulva is and did so before i got vulvar cancer last year, there is no excuse for women or men not to know about there body parts, there is plenty of educational stuff online...and no i don't mean porn.

Very true nexus And when things go wrong it really highlights the importance of information. I hope that you are ok flowers

Lucca Thu 28-Jul-22 18:27:53

MissAdventure

As I've said, if everyone on this thread went to the doctors with thrush, for example, it would be the doctor who diagnosis the problem, despite "Mrs. Willoughby, front bottoms, labia minors or majors being the chosen words.

Gestural communication is fine, in fact, recommended, in cases when people don't have the language skills.

Mrs Willoughby ??????????

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 18:29:49

I know.
It's great, isn't it?

It was what somebody called their vulva/vagina whichever.

Who could object to that? grin

Lucca Thu 28-Jul-22 18:34:11

Hilarious. But why ?!

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 18:35:32

No idea.
I'd call mine Dame Claudia Clampshaft.
Classy.

Lucca Thu 28-Jul-22 18:37:52

Lady Sylvia Snodgrass.

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 18:38:37

grin
Oh, very upmarket.

Lucca Thu 28-Jul-22 18:39:39

Sorry I’m having a ??moment … my dad could always make me giggle when he referred to someone whose name he’d forgotten as …old Snodgrass

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 18:42:07

grin
Fanny Fernackerpan was my mums name for the forgotten people.

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 18:45:08

And my nan would say "You know! Stout women - used to work on the buses".

Lucca Thu 28-Jul-22 18:50:47

?

Glorianny Thu 28-Jul-22 18:56:38

grandtanteJE65

I wondered if I had gone back in time when I saw this thread.

The Scandinavian countries tackled this very problem in the 1970s, ladies. Were you all asleep in Britain during the Swinging Sixties, the Flower-Power seventies and the sexual revolution?

We have teams of young professional nurses , doctors and pycologists who discuss sex with 15 year olds. If you are their form mistress or master, you phone and make an appointment for a school trip with your class, take them along, hand them over, and go and have coffee while they are at the session. In the 1970s when the scheme started, we stayed with our classes, but this was soon found only to be productive of embarrassment.

Teachers of biology use the correct medical terms when teaching the human reproductive system to 15 year olds, but apart from that there is nothing wrong with having informal family terms for the female genitalia.

After all, all languagues have terms like willie for little boys' penises. Heaven knows what teachers do nowadays with all the allegations of abuse, but in the '70s when I taught Primary 1, we frequently had to help little boys find their willies and negotiate flies in trousers and underpants, and we would frankly have found it ridiculous if a five year old had said he couldn't find his penis. Wee-wee and willie were the usual terms.

I agree it is ridiculous if grown women do not know actual words for the external genitalia and the internal and are forced to refer vaguely to "down there" or "inside" when talking to a midwife or a gynaecologist, but even if you do know the right word, embarrassment is a common human predicament.

Any medical secretary can probably still tell you of talking to patients who are having trouble with "their waterworks" or bleeding from " the back passage". They are not talking about their tear-ducts or their house's plumbing in the first instance, nor about the corridor leading from the kitchen to the back door in the second. Medical staff are accustomed to sorting through euphemisms - the trouble starts if things are so weirdly described that a doctor can genuinely be in doubt as to what is meant.

In the very dim and distant past when I was 11, there was a helpful little booklet (in English) designed for 11-15 year olds that explained things in both clinical and homely terms with diagrams - not that the bore any real resemblance to the reality of the human body, either male or female.

For the life of me, I cannot remember what it was called, as when I borrowed my cousin's copy, it told me nothing I did not already know, having been well informed by my mother a couple of months before we went out and bought my first bra. "Your questions answered" or "what ever girl and boy needs to know" perhaps? Anyone else remember this booklet?

The male author got my goat by saying the periods could be a nusiance but so was having to shave every morning!

Aged 13, I thought "Ha, bloody ha! He can just stop shaving, but I can't just stop having periods every month."

In the 1970s a friend of mine nearly lost her job because she tried to get a speaker about contraception and sex to talk to her class of 14-15year old special needs pupils. She was reported for encouraging under age sex and only saved because the head stuck up for her. She knew some of them were experimenting but could do nothing about it.

MissAdventure Thu 28-Jul-22 19:06:54

This reminds me of being at work when an incident occurred.
I was called on to write down in plain language what had happened, and to use words like penis, testicles, and so on.
Some of the staff were quite shy about those words for some reason.

Quite soul destroying to see the word 'willy' on an official report.