Strange attitude towards single people

I am very much working class. I decided when I was 14 that I would never get married and I have stuck to this with no regrets.
I was quite vocal about my choice and I didn't really experience any pressure in my family. If there was any I missed it!

I don't envy married couples although I have occasionally thought life would be easier if I had settled for a wealthy husband.

I did have marriage proposals, well 2, but didn't want to say yes.

I always said I would never marry and turned down several proposals, then I met my wonderful DH! I never wanted children, and fortunately DH didn't either. I was surprised at the attitude towards me as a childless woman.

First as soon as we were married I was being asked when we would have a child, then as the years passed and no child was produced people would ask why or ask whose "fault" it was. An aunt even told me my parents "must be very disappointed in you"

As a widow I also found that some groups I joined would concentrate on talking just about grandchildren and some would say they pitied me not having grandchildren and others seeming to think there is something odd about me when I say I don't regret not having children

We each make choices which suit us - no-one has a right to judge us because they make different choices.

I've had a couple of long term relationships since my divorce, nearly 40 years ago but am quite happy being single.

I've had the odd pang of 'wouldn't it be nice...' but that soon ends.

I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones.

Nannina

I’ve been happily single since my divorce 24 years ago, I’ve had relationships but none I wanted to make permanent. One of the things that bugs me is the single supplement for holidays- pay extra for the privilege of having a broom cupboard size room at the back overlooking the bins

I totally agree. Have recently come back from a coach trip in Wales where my room was exactly as you described. What I wonder is how the hell they can justify it, if it was a double room with a double bed fair enough but it’s not!!

I’ve been happily single since my divorce 24 years ago, I’ve had relationships but none I wanted to make permanent. One of the things that bugs me is the single supplement for holidays- pay extra for the privilege of having a broom cupboard size room at the back overlooking the bins

Married twice, first one lasted 10 months, second one lasted five years, been on my own for over 30 years now and have decided I am not the marrying kind it doesn’t suit me, I don’t do well in an institution…

I certainly did Juliet. And I think I understand the reasons why I did.
But I did stick at it for 32 years. I'm not sure if that was wise or not. How about you?

Vintagejazz

It was just such a sad thing to read:

"They didn't try hard enough"

"They were the sort of person no-one wanted"

Is this how the poster would have viewed herself if she had remained single?

How desperate was she in her single days to find a man who would marry her?

I hope she made a good choice and didn't just rush down the aisle in order to 'be married'.

"They were the sort of person no-one wanted"

That's a daft and judgemental statement.

Perhaps they are just rather particular about whom they would choose to share their life with.

My mother always said that the best way of life was a happy marriage, but better happily single than unhappily married. Since, for her time, she married late, her sister only married in her late 40s, as did my sister and my other sister never married at all. By family standards, 24, I was a child bride.

None of us has had marriage as a be all and end all, and always opted for the 'better happily single than unhappily married'. With DD it was a cosncious choice at a young age.

BlueBelle

Single people come in as many shades of happiness as married people and the poster was not only judgemental but thoughtless not a nice combination
I d rather be single and reasonably happy than in a relationship and unhappy
I ve experienced both

My sentiments entirely

The world is full of couples, I’ve travelled as a single on group holidays, about half would be single, but it’s not been easy to “bond”, even if I’ve been sharing a room for a couple of weeks. Given the chance most will have a single room, although Im happy to share and save the money.
Couples on the same trip are chatty enough but I always feel the gooseberry.
Often women on the trips are with a “travel buddy”a friend they only meet to travel with

If I could go back in time I would not have married as young as I did. And possibly not married at all
I feel the same henetha but maybe we just made the wrong choice.

Single people come in as many shades of happiness as married people and the poster was not only judgemental but thoughtless not a nice combination
I d rather be single and reasonably happy than in a relationship and unhappy
I ve experienced both

Yes this myth that single people are having a great time, going on non stop holidays and enjoying a brilliant social life must be very irritating for many people.
They have to work and pay the bills too, often paying a mortgage on their own.

That's a horrible thing to think, let alone say!

I agree we should celebrate single people. Everything may not be set up for couples but it must seem that way.

1 bedroom home splitting all bills 2 ways is much easier than having much to do that alone.

Chestnut

People who find someone they can love forever and who loves them back are very lucky. Others simply cannot sustain a relationship for more than a few years (seven year itch?) and it's just in their nature. If they stay with the same person it's a struggle but they often do so for the children.

Basically, there is always a price to pay for everything in life. Being married can be dull and demanding but has many wonderful benefits in return. Being single can be fun and exciting but has a risk of loneliness especially in old age.

I think married people are just as likely to be lonely in old age. Children move away, your spouse dies and then you're alone.
Some married couples do everything together and don't feel the same need to make friends as single people. Some women live through their children and are bereft when they grow up and start living their own lives.

Old age can be lonely no matter what your marital status.

There is a lot of nonsense on MN just lately.

Lots of people are single through choice and are happy to be so.

I am not sure it is a class thing. Some of my friends had impeccable working class backgrounds. My grandparents started life working class.

But I can see that those from working class backgrounds came from struggling backgrounds. My grandmother and GGM were both left widows with families in their mid 30s, with no provision apart from what they could earn or, in one case, a small war pension. Another friend was illegitimate, grew up with her mother, but life was a struggle. Plus, of course we are attracted to people like us, and even those of my friends who are married, have always been very independent and not traditional wives and mothers.

Both DH and myself had working mothers and DH's mother was the main wage earner, so he was not expecting a traditional wife. I think the idea quite frightened him!

M0nica

GagaJo I am surprised what you say about societal pressures. I think you said somewhere you were in your 50s, well DD is 50 in less than a year and through life my closest friends have mainly been single women of my age (80 next year) +/- a decade and, very occasionally, the subject has come up, and while their reasons for being single are various, and some would have liked to have married, they have never felt ander any pressure to marry from societal expectations.

I definitely felt pressure. Maybe because I was working-class and any work I had was seen as just a job, rather than a career. Following the pattern of marriage/babies was expected. My family still expect this current generation of girls to do that. Questions are asked about each of the 4 girls (Any boyfriend? No engagement ring yet? Do you want children?)

My SiL wanted to join the Navy and be a nurse, but everyone was horrified. 'What about your husband?' No suggestion at all that he could follow her career, rather than her supporting him.

Whereas, I was definitely a career woman. Which was then resented by my husband. To a certain extent, even as my ex he is snippy about it, because I've out achieved him.

People who find someone they can love forever and who loves them back are very lucky. Others simply cannot sustain a relationship for more than a few years (seven year itch?) and it's just in their nature. If they stay with the same person it's a struggle but they often do so for the children.

Basically, there is always a price to pay for everything in life. Being married can be dull and demanding but has many wonderful benefits in return. Being single can be fun and exciting but has a risk of loneliness especially in old age.

It was just such a sad thing to read:

"They didn't try hard enough"

"They were the sort of person no-one wanted"

Is this how the poster would have viewed herself if she had remained single?

How desperate was she in her single days to find a man who would marry her?

I hope she made a good choice and didn't just rush down the aisle in order to 'be married'.

For my generation (I'm in my 80's) I think there was quite a lot of pressure to marry and have children, but it's very different now, hopefully, isn't it? I know of singletons who lead happy and fulfilled lives. What I like about the present is that women seem to have far more choices than I did when I was young.
If I could go back in time I would not have married as young as I did. And possibly not married at all.

I agree fully with vintagejazz. I didn't expect to meet & marry my wonderful DH. I knew I'd rather stay single than "settle" for life with someone I didn't really love & who didn't care for me. From what I've seen, the single life can most definitely be a full one, and some marriages are hellish!

I think there is a pressure, even if it's what you place on yourself. I think it can take quite a lot to understand yourself, despite my longish marriage I am really not a natural wife and not good at sharing space except with my children. I am in my fifties.

GagaJo I am surprised what you say about societal pressures. I think you said somewhere you were in your 50s, well DD is 50 in less than a year and through life my closest friends have mainly been single women of my age (80 next year) +/- a decade and, very occasionally, the subject has come up, and while their reasons for being single are various, and some would have liked to have married, they have never felt ander any pressure to marry from societal expectations.