Strange attitude towards single people

DD had decided by the time she was 20 that she preferred to remain single and childless. Her decision was made long before the thought of marrying could possibly arrive. She may be unusual, she is not gay, but she knows herself and knew that she was not capable of making the compromises necessary for a good relationship, so she preferred to stay single.

As I said she may be unusual, but she is not unique, other men and women have made similar decisions and lived very happy lives.

Pressurising

Whatever you choose, it’s the luck of the draw how your life turns out, but we must be open to new things.
My mother was pressuring me into marriage in my early twenties, spinsterhood was seen as a terrifying spectre and I was lucky enough to meet the right man. He was nearly forty and I wasn’t mad on the thought of marriage, witnessing my parents. So we remained independent in many ways. My suggestion of living together was not for him.
My daughter would love to meet the right man, there have been relationships and even a long term partner living together, but I know it upsets her.
My mother used to say “Single for a reason”. I think she meant it as an unkind criticism??

M0nica that is very interesting because my friend got with her present partner while she was still married and living with her ex husband, her present partner is still married to his ex wife, not sure how this is linked to her believing that some are single by choice but I think it could be

I fell heavily in love with P when I was 19 and in those days marriage was the only possible option if we wanted to be together. I never regretted that decision but realise that I was very lucky; we were very different so never competed, but agreed about the really important things - what kind of lifestyle we aimed at, how we brought out children up, and our approach to money.

If I was that age now and the same situation arose we could just live together - though I do think that being married supported us through the inevitable rough patches. My attraction to tall red heads is undiminished, though!

Golddustwoman that suggests your friend thinks that being single is just bad luck in not meeting the right man She doesn't seem to accept that some people are single by choice.

The strange attitude is even stranger when it is realised that everybody was born unmarried.

a friend of mine says that whether you are single or not often depends on luck -whether you meet the right person or not, being in the right place and time

I'm single and happy. I got divorced over 30 years ago.
I recently had this conversation with my grandaughter age 9. We had somehow got onto the subject of marriage
GD "What, you were married?"
Me "Yes I was married to grandad x"
GD "What on earth for?"
I tried explaining that it was expected for girls then and most got married before they had children, but the whole concept defeated her!

M0nica

Any way of life has its pros and cons.

Exactly. I know people who have had very happy marriages and people who have been exploited, let down or cheated on by their partners and would have been happier single.

I know people who have had very fulfilled lives as a single person and single people who would love to have a life partner.

Every life has ups and downs, joys and regrets.

I agree with the Mumsnet poster . Having a partner/spouse/ companion to justify your identity is an attitude that has been normalised.

“My contribution to this thread, as a widow of 21 months, is to say that there are a number of holiday companies who specialise in trips for singletons, with no single supplement!”

Holiday companies such as Just You, who advertise no single supplements just hide the supplement in the advertised price, their holidays are usually more expensive than identical ones advertised by their parent company for couples ( can’t remember the name of the parent company)

The worst room I’ve stayed in was on a Just You holiday to Vienna where my room was so small I could touch both side walls when I stretched out my arms! It was too small for a wardrobe or cupboard, just had a few hooks on the wall and a narrow shelf. It was on the top floor of the building, no lift, hidden away down a corridor past other rooms full of stored junk. I refused to sleep there more than one night and just sat in reception refusing to move until I got a different room! Eventually I was given a room in a sister hotel down the road where the rep and coach driver were staying and I had to walk up to the main hotel for all meals.

Any way of life has its pros and cons.

We can all choose the life we have, being single is much easier if you have a decent job and can afford a nice place to live on your own, much harder on low wages.

My contribution to this thread, as a widow of 21 months, is to say that there are a number of holiday companies who specialise in trips for singletons, with no single supplement!

Also, that there are some very strange people on Mumsnet, but also some wise and lovely ones. A bit like real life really!

This is absolutely not the life I would have chosen. I was married for 33 years, after falling in love at first sight, and I thought that we would grow old together. But it was not to be. If there is any upside, and sometimes it's hard to see, I have met new people, found new friends, been to places which I would not otherwise have gone to. You just have to make the best of life, whatever it throws at you.

I think somebody with that attitude probably bends over backwards to please some poor excuse for a man because she’s scared she won’t cope if she’s on her own. I feel sorry for her.

"They didn't try hard enough" More likely that they were more savvy, independent, career minded, wanted to explore the world, wanted to come and go with complete freedom and didn't fancy all the compromises that marriage usually entails and were strong enough to live their lives their own way without a man in it.

"They were the sort of person no-one wanted" Or they were the sort of person who didn't want to accept someone else's faults, foibles and failings for the rest of their lives.

Surprised to read that any young woman would really believe that coupledom is the best/only way to live a life; there are far more opportunities for single women now than ever before. Maybe it was sour grapes?

To be honest, I would find a woman who places her value in her ability to attract a man a bit sad. Certainly, when I was younger, up to probably about the age of 45, the skill was avoiding men, not trying to attract one.

we don't really know that the poster on MN was young. Immature and narrow minded, yes

The grass is always greener....but really depressing that a young woman would hold this 'you're a failure if you're not married' view.

Does she really think it's better to be in an unhappy, loveless or even abusive marriage than to be contentedly single?

And does she ever stop to consider the many single women who are loving and influential aunts or godmothers, or who do trojan and willing work to look after elderly parents?

I do hope she has changed her attitude before her children are if marriageable age. Imagine having a mother who thinks you haven't tried hard enough or are the type no one wants if you are single?

There have been massive changes - MN has people on there who could not find a mate and their biological clock was ticking, so they opted for donor IVF and to be a single Mum. This would definitely have been on the agenda when I was brought up, scientific advance notwithstanding - the idea of being a single mother by choice would certainly have had my gran clutching at her pearls!

I get the thing about the world being set up for couples - I am widowed and am very conscious of this - invitations, holidays, restaurants, food portions in supermarkets etc. etc. ad infinitum.

The important thing is to know what is the best outcome for ourselves.

Chestnut

People who find someone they can love forever and who loves them back are very lucky. Others simply cannot sustain a relationship for more than a few years (seven year itch?) and it's just in their nature. If they stay with the same person it's a struggle but they often do so for the children.

Basically, there is always a price to pay for everything in life. Being married can be dull and demanding but has many wonderful benefits in return. Being single can be fun and exciting but has a risk of loneliness especially in old age.

What you say is very wise Chestnut

I know lots of single people,single by choice,and tbh,i envy them
No bulls..t
No-one to answer to.
No-one to cook for,the list could go on.
I was in a miserable marriage for over 32 years,the day i walked out i realised just how happy i could be.
Met new Dh and i am very happy,but still envy my single friends.

I forgot to add that I am in my late sixties and grew up in East London.