Struggling with friendships.

Msdaisy

I’m desperate for some advice please… I’m 61 married to dh who works from home. I’m semi retired do a lot of volunteering in different areas. I’ve struggled to make friends with similar mindset to me. I seem to attract older friends who just take advantage such as expecting me to pay for lunches, pick up and drop off take to medical appts etc. I know I’m in my 60’s but I’m young in mind and body I go to gym, run cycle etc but any groups Ive tried such as walking, crafts, are generally old ‘older’ people if you get my drift. I recognise I’m withdrawing more and with winter coming I’m not sure how I’ll get through it. My dh is understanding but he has a busy job and has limited time for leisure and I need female friends really. I’d welcome any similar experiences and support thank you

Parts of this could be me writing it.
I took an early retirement from the NHS to care for my mum who had Alzheimer's. She died in 2019. Since then, although I keep active, most of my circle of friends are much older than me. I've been a WI member for nearly 9 years (joined because mum wanted to and I've stayed a member). I'm the youngest there by a long way, our oldest member is 95.
As mentioned, others my age are still working but I don't think 'true' friendships are formed at work.
So I'm on the lookout for new friends all the time

Join the WI ! I joined aged 64 made new friends a bit younger than me! We have book group, garden group, etc! Has days out, holidays together etc There are always off shoots and not all groups are jam and Jerusalem ! Can recommend !!

I found it really difficult when I moved until I joined a life drawing class and met loads of people of different ages.. also agree with others re Meetup and U3A. you could also try walking groups, yoga and buddhist groups for diverse new friends ... but I also think that it is much more difficult to make new friends as one gets older, especially as people often have established friendship groups. you will probably have to make the advances and keep at it.. worth it in the end

I am ten years older than you, and we moved to a different part of the country upon retiring, which hasn't made getting to know new people easier.

However, that said, I have noticed since my late forties, that the older we get, the harder it becomes to make friends, and the longer it takes. There are also "false starts" where it seems to get ages to get anywhere. But persevere - sooner or later you will find yourself getting to know one or two congenial people.

I would suggest you keep up with one or two of the "older" groups - I imagine that in a year or so, there will be more of your own age-group retiring and joining some of these activities.

But, please do make it firmly and politely clear to those "old" ones who are taking advantage of you, that this is just not on.

You are justified in pointing out that you are neither a taxi service, nor a messenger service, and that you are no richer than they. Say right out, that you cannot afford to pay for their coffee or lunch - you can only very occasionally afford to eat out yourself, and that if you drive them anywhere, they will need to pay the cost of the petrol.

This will soon stop them. Just because you are younger than they is no reason why you should oblige with these services.

Do British chemists no longer deliver to the elderly, housebound, or those who cannot walk far?

If you really want to be helpful, but I personally would hestitate to offer even this help, offer to help them check on the internet what services are available to those who cannot easily walk to the doctor's etc. in your area.

What about the female friends you had before you stopped working full-time? Is there no possibility of seeing some of them once in a while for a good natter?

I totally understand your dilemma, I’m 66 but look and feel 56, so I’m told. Im not ready for the knitting clubs etc that go with retirement. My mind is to young and active to succumb to those. Looking at my friendship group I’m lucky I have 3 friends that are on my level. We fit in with 40-50s age group better than our own. We are not mutton dressed as lamb it’s our teenage granddaughters that keep us young and up to the minute with what’s going on.

If you are Facebook - there is a group for everything!
Walking groups are popular and varied age range there.

It’s hard making friends at any age, but lucky you having a husband to do things with too. I retired early , recently separated from relationship and moved to a new area. I joined the U3A and find making choices over which groups to join helps finding people of a similar age/ fitness. Yoga and walks over six miles I’ve got to know people of my own age. Could it be doing crafts attracts an older age group? Also local art society there are a good range of ages. Fitness classes again you’ll get to know younger people, it a case of just keep going the longer you go to things the more approachable you become.

There are lots of MeetUp groups all over the country and I’m sure you’ll be able to find something suitable. Look them up. Good luck.

MissAdventure

I utterly empathise with you ! I had my first child at 26, then three more at 39, 42 & 44 respectively ! Seemed I’d never fit in anywhere !!

Hey, sad place to be in. I’m 63 and so lucky with my friends, two are from my senior school, and the others met either on the school run or at various jobs. They are all very different though, different ages, backgrounds and interests, but the best thing is I really like them all

Have you a local U3A? (university of the third age?) you might find a group there that you would like to join and have a similar mindset?

pub quizzes ?

At 71 seeking new friend currently best bet is long term membership of a gym. You choose the right time of day, (right sort of gym, like the Nuffield mid range type)to meet women of an age you want, usually mornings, and go to classes and the next step is 'do you fancy a coffee'

I often find a similar issue, with people being older. They can be good company but I do understand wishing to connect with people more of your own age. They must be out there somewhere. Good luck finding them. Maybe I will too, one day. Meanwhile, I just enjoy the company of those who I come in contact with, whatever their age.

Hope that post is understandable and not gobbledegook!

I'm older than you and belong to groups, have friends even older than me and I surprised these older friends of yours expect you to give them lifts all the time and pay for their lunch if you go out.

Let's hope you can find some interesting groups - U3A has interesting activities, are there local walking groups, and perhaps you can find some friends who don't take advantage of your good nature.

When I did my Pilates class I was by far the oldest person there ( 74) Yoga classes are also mainly within your age group..

Look for evening activities rather than daytime ones because, as others have said, your age group is still working during the day.

I did a British Sign Language evening class and met a good group of people.

Rock Choir or Am Dram
Wine tasting evenings
Yoga/Pilates sessions

Look and see what’s on. Much more likely to meet your age group and younger there.

Thank you everyone for your responses it’s a help to know others have experienced similar. I’m not giving up I’ll keep plugging away with new groups classes etc. I appreciate as said people with time on their hands tend to be retired so an evening class might prove fruitful.

Could you find groups that exist to learn a new skill or develop a hobby? Or yoga or something that perhaps the older age group aren't as involved in?

When I moved to a new area about 15 years ago I joined a choir, an art group and a history group based at the local university. I found the evening groups (the choir and the history group) much more rewarding in terms of friendships. There was a wider age range than daytime groups that tend to attract older, retired people.

I think wherever you go, whatever you do, voluntarily or not, you'll meet people who will seek to take advantage if you let them. You need to think about your boundaries and then stick to them. Good luck.

I moved to a new area and met a lot of people by joining my local church. Perhaps that won’t be of interest to you but I met some lovely people and now have several friends that I have coffee or lunch with. A church friend also told me about a knitting group I am still enjoying

I think maybe you need to be more proactive Msdaisy and, as suggested above, either offer to host a coffee morning, initiate a book club or a debating group. When I first retired I joined a Yoga class, started French lessons, met up with fellow dog walkers, became involved with village life by joining local groups, such as the May Fete and Village Hall committees, and generally putting myself out there. I’ve made some lovely friends of all ages as a result.

It is easy to slip through the net with friendships, I've found.

I don't fit into any particular group, comfortably.

I'm old enough to be the school mums mother, have to ensure I'm around to look after a teen.
Plus I have no interest in social activities such as pubs and clubs.

Hello MsDaisy
You could have a look at this thread, and it it also links to yet another thread about similar issues
www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1315226-Making-new-friends

When I left work I decided to try to broaden my social circle in my home town (I worked a distance away), and I also found it wan't easy to find people in their 50s/60s who weren't working. I do have local friends, but I am more sociable than they are, and as we are something of a 'group', I wanted to do things with other people as well as with them.

I joined classes, but then Covid hit and they were cancelled. I started a group based on an interest of mine, and it is still going, but is not well attended, and will probably fold soon. We meet monthly, and I think a lot of people just don't want regular commitment. They want someone else to do the legwork, and to have things there when they fancy going out, but are very quick to pull out if it looks like rain, or if they get a better offer. As often as not there are not enough subs to pay the rent, and I can't go on subsidising it forever.

I even did another degree, but that was affected by Covid too, and when it finished the people I'd met moved back to their home towns. I am happy to travel into the city where I worked, but I don't drive, and it's far more of a hassle to do that when I'm coming in from home than it was when I was already there. I wasn't keen to use buses until recently (because of Covid) but I am a lot more confident about that now.

I joined the NWR and a knitting group, and have met some lovely people, but on the whole they are a fair bit older than me. I enjoy the meetings, but so far haven't met anyone I really want to meet up with outside of them, and anyway they are in established friendship groups with other interests. I think it's a case of keeping plugging away though. New people join things, and I am not going to get younger . In a while there will be people of my age coming to retirement, although as you say, I am far more concerned about attitudes than age. At work my friends tended to be younger than me, and I am still in touch with ex students who are more my children's ages than mine.

That's not much help, is it? . I can say that I empathise though, and that I haven't given up. I do a lot of online things (mostly classes on Zoom - check out Eventbrite to see if there is anything on offer that appeals to you) and have met people through those who share my interests. They are not local, but I have met a few when we've travelled to meet up, and now think of them as friends. the more you do online things the more it feels like meeting up - the strangeness does dissipate.

Do you live near where you grew up or went to university? If so, could you reconnect with old friends? I've done a bit of that, and added to the list of people I can call on to go for lunch or whatever. It's slow progress, but I think that Covid has slowed down social things for a lot of people, and that it will pic up as time goes by. Good luck!