Spending weekend alone

Nothing lasts for ever' and 'This too shall pass' are phrases that give comfort in difficult moments

Normally I would agree with this, but when you are widowed, it IS for ever and it does not pass.
Coming to terms with this is hard.
In the early weeks and months of loss, the shock can numb you to the longer term pain, but then one day you wake up and realise “Yes, this is it - for the rest of my life”
It’s not an easy realisation. Katherine Whitehorn (I think) compared it with “being an unwelcome refugee in a foreign land”.

Thank you urmstongran and everybody who has posted. Its really touched me you asking how I am, you've brought tears to me eyes, but in the nice way.
I'm tired, but feel better than yesterday. Thank you fro asking

How are you feeling today knittingnovice?
Monday in the morning.
You’re nearly there.
?

Everyone has a different experience of and threshold for being alone or lonely. It is very personal thing and some of the comments here are not helpful, kind or supportive.

If someone says they are lonely they are and its not their fault, they are not being lazy by not getting out enough etc. Joining clubs and other activities doesn't just magic it away. And in some cases can even exacerbate it.

You can be lonely in a crowd. I have felt desperately lonely at times in my life and if someone had gaslighted me or told me I 'shouldn't' feel like that it would have made me feel even worse.

I have discovered that I just need to feel any feeling that is coming up and it will ease eventually. Also sharing it with a trusted friend helps.

'Nothing lasts for ever' and 'This too shall pass' are phrases that give comfort in difficult moments.

So to anyone who is feeling lonely I say, I hear you and I know its a really horrible and difficult feeling.

Tbh our eldest daughter had the same reservations about our purchase of a new build. Sound proofing is fantastic! High spec. She was most impressed. Insulation brilliant - no heating on here yet & we are still under a summer duvet.
?
I think you just need to do your homework well.
I treated our downsizing as a ‘project’. Viewed loads!

I'd want a garden just not tended by me.

Not sure about the age thing tho Urmston, I think it then depends on the quality of flats, sound proofing, where you are in the block, I had in mind an over 55's set up.

I've lived in the past in bad sound flats doors slamming all hours loud music you see.

I'd settle for a cafe/bar just nearby with the all ages fun.

I've always wanted to live near a sort of idealised cafe/bar where you could be a "regular" and time any day. Perhaps that only happens on TV though...

No , Wyllow that’s what we have below us in this development that we bought into 12 years ago, Town centre living. Walk out across the communal decking outside from my front door, in the lift 2 floors down and I’m I’m a ‘Loungers Bar’. Google. Very popular and I’m happy to be in there on my own or with company. Sometimes just a coffee and my Kindle, other times a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and my iPad. I did my homework for ‘older age’. I didn’t want an over 55’s set up, I like the ‘mix’ of young and old.

I appreciate it wouldn’t suit everyone - no garden, no space for crafts etc - but I’m more than happy to sacrifice space for location.

Barmeyoldbat

I can understand how you feel. I can feel quite happy on my own but I still have Mr B so I am never alone for long. However if he wasn’t around I would be totally alone, who could I ask to come to the hospital with me if I had sedation, family all working long hours,I have nobody in an emergency, That’s what would make me feel lonely. I hope you can find away around your feelings and wish you luck

Yes I'd have no one for the hospital thing, if it were vv - v serious of course DS or DiL would come but with 4 kids one very disabled both jobs 2.75 hours away and dear sister 7 hours away it would be emergency only re family, till a Quaker contact or two or sister who is a doc and could come would visit. I need to firm up those" nearly friends" known for long time but not to be able to call on each other for things like bringing stuff in and so on.

Hi op,
Sorry you’re feeling lonely.
I hope this doesn’t sound flippant, but have you considered getting a pet? I know a cat or dog will never take the place of a loved one, but just having someone else to buy food for, think about, take for a walk, can really help.
All the best x

I am on my own all the time since being widowed but I tend to hop from one project or activity to another and so I ring the changes, otherwise boredom would creep in.

I do have an active mind and I like to ring the changes eg sewing makes me think, tidying the kitchen makes it nice, reading refreshes my brain. A cycle ride gets me into the fresh air. A walk to the local shops and back has me saying good morning to almost everyone and some people are glad of that when they stop and chat

I don`t think about loneliness so I am not lonely. Being self contained is key, being busy, even tidying a drawer while listening to the radio. Feelgood factors help, to know that you have done something postive with your day

Barmey - yes, me too. I sympathise.

I can understand how you feel. I can feel quite happy on my own but I still have Mr B so I am never alone for long. However if he wasn’t around I would be totally alone, who could I ask to come to the hospital with me if I had sedation, family all working long hours,I have nobody in an emergency, That’s what would make me feel lonely. I hope you can find away around your feelings and wish you luck

For goodness sake, be kind posters. The poor OP must be feeling worse than she did before she posted. I can understand how you feel, OP. I'm lucky enough to have my DH with me but even I feel lonely sometimes if he is elsewhere. The weekends are by far the worst, too. One always imagines 'everyone else' is out having fun one way or another, even if they're not. There are some good suggestions on here but I'm wondering if your problem is that you only have work friends? Do you have neighbours? Could you organise some sort of get together? Perhaps a coffee morning for charity or something similar? Then on subsequent lonely weekends you could give one of them a call and see if they would like to pop round for a glass of wine. You might find someone local who shares your interests. What about weekend walking groups? If you have a local FB page have a look on that. Something will turn up. Good luck!

I think there is a,l big difference between choosing to spend time alone, and coming to realise it is no longer a choice, but a constant state of being.

I’m not lonely, but I remember the feeling very well.
As a young unmarried mum, living away from all of my friends, I was extremely lonely. I would have been so grateful for any human contact.
I used to walk miles just in the hope of meeting someone I might have a chat with.
Eventually struck up a friendship with a girl I met at baby clinic, we had absolutely nothing in common, but it didn’t matter.
I don’t have anything constructive to say, but I do understand what you’re feeling.

I too was often alone when my DH worked away or went on business trips. I quite enjoyed it but the difference is that I knew that he would come back.
I think really being alone is when it is permanent and I can understand how KnittingNovice feels.
Unless you have truly been alone Monica you cannot appreciate what it is like.

MayBee70, that is a very different situation from just being alone briefly but knowing people will be coming back.

I would call what you described a 'existential loneliness' and every reason for causing feelings of aloneness. My time on my own is merely transitional and the more enjoyable because I know that DH. or the children are returning.

I was in the same position as M0nica. OH worked overseas for weeks at a time, often out of contact totally. I was left with three children to look after. For the last ten years of his working life he lived abroad, first in Egypt and then Albania. I would visit him in my holidays and he had time off in the UK. It worked for us.

But that’s why I was surprised to find myself overwhelmed by loneliness because I am someone that has always happily done things on my own and don’t really like social occasions. Maybe it was because everyone seemed to leave at once, my husband left me for someone else and my youngest child went to uni.

I am a bit bemused. I love having time at home on my own and always have. DH had a job that had him constantly travelling the world, so I have had a lifetime of being on my own, first, with small children, then a gap when those small children when they were teenagers and were intelligent company then they went to university etc and I was completely alone when DH was away. The longest he has been away is three months, and I can honestly say I have never once felt lonely.

I think, more than anything it is a question of your own personality, whether you are the knd of person who needs other people presence to confirm you exist, or whether like me and many others, you are sufficient unto yourself.

Where else but by coming in here, from the comfort of home (yes Grammaretto plus electric blanket) can I get such a variety of company on different topics and dip in and out (and look like I'm dragged through a hedge backwards as mum used to say and it not matter...)

I hope you feel better now Knittingnovice
I lost my DH to cancer nearly 2 years ago and it was only then, when I was alone that I noticed how many people I know who live alone.
If they manage, I can manage
I have found much support on these threads.
I keep busy during the day but it's in the evening I find it harder.
I'm already in bed. Partly to keep warm but also for the comfort of a good book, chatting on here or listening to the radio.
It's been a busy day and tomorrow I will take DMiL to church and later go to a get together at the art club which I have attended for years.
I may go to the cinema in the evening - or not.
Always good to have options.

I'm lucky enough to have been a member of a nice friendly gym for 20 years. Sunday is a very nice relaxed day there (cafe, natters, you get to know people).

I happen to go to Quakers on a Sunday so
Sundays as such are better days, but thats not for everyone.

I've always wanted to live near a sort of idealised cafe/bar where you could be a "regular" and time any day. Perhaps that only happens on TV though...

Everyone is different, and some people enjoy being alone whilst others hate it. There's no right and wrong, and it's good that Knittingnovice has been able to get her feelings off her chest.

What are you like with Zoom, KN? If you are comfortable with it, you could have a look on Eventbrite and see what is available that matches your interests. There are usually classes, but also performances and other pastimes on there. Classes might be best, as you get a chance to talk to other people and they to you. I have made friends that way, as I 'Zoomed' a lot during lockdowns. At one point I was doing two classes a day, which kept me busy and filled my need to be sociable.

If you are near a city, the city library might have group events on, too.

Not sure if you guys have heard of an app called
Next Door. Its great for the local area. Tells you about events going on Also, if you need DIY or selling stuff.
I found coffee morning near me.
Give it a go, might help you meet local people.

Eve