Dealing with "casual callers"

A couple of my old friends occasionally call around. It’s usually to return empty jars so I can make more pickle I welcome them I treasure their friendship. If it’s early on they have tea or coffee if it’s later on it’s wine. My brother turns up now and again if he is working in the area bacon butty homemade cake and a mug tea for him.
I have a sign up no salespersons religious groups or tree surgeons required here so don’t knock. That just about covers it we don’t usually get cold callers.

I’ve just remembered having to go round to the WI Treasurer’s house to countersign a cheque. She kept me on the doorstep and I had to use the window sill as a hard surface. What’s that all about?

I'd rather have a bit of notice as our house is an utter tip atm (a mix of untidy family, ongoing work on our house, and piles of stuff being accumulated for son's pending move), but if any friends do drop in, hey-ho excuse the mess and would you like a cup of tea.
However, cold callers are extremely unwelcome. I know they are trying to make a living and I've no issue with those who accept a polite 'no thank you' and leave straight away, but those who refuse to accept the rejection and carry on with their spiel are a right royal pain. I think the worst was a young man from the Jehovahs Witnesses, who refused to go away and asserted that he had every right to stand in our front garden and talk at us! We just shut the door and left him to it out there.

I once asked my grandmother about the two hour rule. She said it was important not to outstay your welcome so that people would be glad to see you next time you called.

Regardless of who it was (even her own relatives) after two hours she had said what she wanted to say and heard what she wanted to hear. She felt it was better to be honest and open and tell them it was time to go, rather than indulge in some kind of social pantomime with PA hints being dropped.

In some ways it was like having an audience with the queen. Like many women of her class she had a certain manner of "dismissing" people by her look and attitude if she considered they had overstepped the boundaries.

To be truthful my grandmother did not really care what anyone thought off her. I know that I take after her in many ways.

I always enjoy a casual caller, but if I do have some other plan, I will let them know. Only close relatives and friends drop by. Most will send a quick text or call to let us know.

The same if I want to drop by someone's house, even my kids. I will send a quick text to see if they are available first.

I find it hard to cope with people who want to drop in without warning. And nowadays when most women are at work, this might be at weekends, when a lot of things must be juggled. The idea of popping round to a neighbour surely dates from the time women were at home doing things there which could be easily interrupted. No TV, no computers either. The ritual for getting lingerers out in the evening is common to Scots and Ulster people. Plates of cheese and crackers accompanied by a tea tray is a clear indication that it is time to go home. Probably no drink was taken in these homes so " one for the road" did not arise

But fast forward 20 years to when I turned a hobby into a business working from home, and it began to irritate me that visitors (however friendly we were) expected me to stop working and sit and talk to them. To them it was still my 'hobby', never mind that I had jobs to complete and deadlines to meet. I usually just carried on working as they watched and talked. Sometimes they just got bored (or felt in the way) and left. I began to ignore the phone and not answer the door

Yes this is exactly how I feel. Casual callers are stealing my time when I could be working on my business.

It's reasonable to ask "do you want visitors?"

Unless you keep a receptionist it's not fair for people to drop in unless they have by prior arrangement you have a droppinable relationship.

I was pleased to open the door to an ex neighbour and her daughter who I’d not seen for three years.

Come in says I, I’ll pop the kettle on.

Returning to the sitting room she was sitting with an open bible on her lap.

My old friend hadn’t come to visit me, since we’d last been in touch she had become a Jehovah’s Witness and had come to “save” me!!!

When I was first married our house was open to callers 24/7. So long as they didn't mind the clutter and mess we usually lived in with 3 kids and 2 dogs, they were welcome. I liked it that way in stark contrast to my mother's way of hiding from casual visitors or expecting at least 2 weeks notice of a visit! She thought our friends calling on us when they were passing was dreadful.

But fast forward 20 years to when I turned a hobby into a business working from home, and it began to irritate me that visitors (however friendly we were) expected me to stop working and sit and talk to them. To them it was still my 'hobby', never mind that I had jobs to complete and deadlines to meet. I usually just carried on working as they watched and talked. Sometimes they just got bored (or felt in the way) and left. I began to ignore the phone and not answer the door.

Now that I'm retired and my time is entirely my own I just ignore casual callers and the phone if I can't be bothered with them. Perhaps I'm turning into my mother, heaven forbid! We rarely see our neighbours, perhaps 2 or 3 times a year! We have acquaintances locally but don't know them well enough for them to call on us. Our longstanding friends and our children live too far away to just drop in. I think the lockdowns also showed us that we actually prefer, and are content with, our own company and a degree of isolation.

We only ever had one caller who refused to leave - an insulation salesman whose 1 hour appointment turned into four! We had listened to all his patter and demonstrations, but after several cups of tea and numerous strong hints I asked if he would be staying for dinner and had he brought his pyjamas? He then got very stroppy and accused us of wasting his time. DH let the dogs in from the garden (it was raining and they weren't happy) and he left in a hurry.

I was asked once by a so called friend to go to a music concert as her 1st choice had rained off ( she didn't ask me to go originally and this was first I'd heard!) As she didn't want to go alone. I said I was off to mother's for teacso couldn't. Skip forward two hours, phone rang , I answered( oops!) Silence and " click" said who it was.... checking up on me! I didn't feel that bad though as she'd been mean with me in first place!!

It's never occurred to me that our visitors think their time and convenience is more important than ours. I've always just thought it was nice that they bothered to come and see us. But then we rarely get visited by people we don't like.

I would love to have casual visitors. The only people I see are one or other of my helpers for one hour each day. It would be great to have discussions with people.
Spent a lot of my life camping and caravanning where everyone was friendly and enjoying the way of life.

In these days of mobile phones, texting and email there is really no excuse for "dropping in" on someone whom you know to be busy with young children/family life or working at home. By doing so you are being selfish and putting your needs above theirs. You are assuming that their life is going to stop while they dance attendance on you just because you have time to spare.

How long does it take to take out your mobile and ring to say "Im in your area so is it ok if I pop in?" Then if they say "yes" you will know you are welcome rather than just tolerated for the sake of being polite. I would not feel comfortable sitting in someone's house if I thought I was keeping them from an important task or something they planned to do that day. I would much rather they put me off and we made an alternative arrangement.

Another poster remarked that this appeared to be an issue with me. Yes it is because it is so unnecessary with todays technology. In the days before mobiles or even when few people had phones at all (and I remember those days) people would just turn up on the doorstep and expect to be invited in. It never crossed their mind that you were a single person who catered for one. So they could be drinking your last bit of milk in their coffee with the shops a ten minute walk asway and no car.

Been there, done it, got the t-shirt.

I don’t mind drop in callers, though they are few and far between. Most ring and say “Are you in for visitors?”
I always do that for my DD, even though they say we don’t need to. We once arrived to drop off some shopping and found ourselves in the middle of a ‘cold war’. (Silence) Needless to say we beat a hasty retreat! DD rang to apologise later and said that when they realised what it must’ve looked like they had a good laugh about it, which cleared the air.

I do prefer knowing about visits upfront, as my living room is "lived in" and often has crumbs on the sofa and floor as well as dog and cat hairs, so I prefer to clean that up for visitors.
I've never had a problem with asking guests to leave - you can formulate it nicely like "I think we need to continue this conversation another day", "I am sorry folks, but I really have to go to .... bed, shopping" etc. Don't just drop hints and hope they are noted. I feel that a lot of issues arise from miscommunication. Say clear that time is up, there is no need to hide it behind hints and you will be surprised that most people will be happy as they know what is what - very few are offended by it.

I don't know what culture you are referring to Mandrake.

Both in Scotland where I grew up and in Denmark where I live now visitors of the kind who come unannounced are good friends or close family, so there is nothing impolite at telling either that they have come at an inconvenient time, or that they have outstayed their welcome if they stay too long.

I would personally never go through the song-and-dance act of putting on my coat and saying we were going out to get anyone to leave.

A total stranger who rang the bell would be unlikely to be invited in, but if we did so, we would not hesitate to say that they would need to leave now.

Each to his own of course, but I would be hurt if anyone felt they had to make an appointment to visit us - we are not their dentist or optician!

I like casual callers though rarely get any nowadays. My parents were always very hospitable and had visitors frequently and I was the same before I married. Ex H's family more into arrangements so things changed.

When DS was first married he and his wife lived a long way away so never came unannounced. Then one day DiL was travelling to her parents' home without DS and my home was en route. She dropped in and I was really pleased. I realised she had chosen to come and see me as she didn't have to. I had no idea she was in the area so would not have been offended by her not calling. I asked why she hadn't called ahead and she said " I didn't want to upset your plans if you had any so if you'd been out I'd have stopped at motorway services for a coffee / loo break.!

It completely made my day! If she'd come with DS I'd never have known whether she would rather not! I had a MiL who expected fairly frequent visits some of which I'd rather not have made!

I'm hoping to move nearer DS and family and hope they will drop in without always being invited. Time will tell!

I agree with I.Ravenscroft.
Casual callers are assuming that your time, projects etc. are not as important as they are.
However, if we have made an arrangement, I’ll bake a cake, make sure the bathroom is clean etc. And be most welcoming!
Happy with that!

My MIL, bless her, used to turn the doorbell off if she wasn’t expecting anyone. Good luck getting her to hear you if she wasn’t expecting you. (Btw she turned the doorbell off to save electricity!)

This is a great idea Cabbie 21..!

I can't bear anyone turning up without pre-arrangement. I work from home and until lock-down I saw clients at home. I do a lot of my work by telephone now from home. We have tall wooden gates which are kept locked unless I am expecting someone and they were our best investment ever.

I moved home just over 15 months so just at the end of the worst of Covid - I have not had one single person come to visit me. No one has called and no one has been around for tea. Be grateful for what you have.

I remember when I was a boy my grandparents moving house. On the day in the middle of the move my great-aunt called casually and everything stopped. She was entertained to tea. Afterwards the move resumed with a few hard words spoken after she had departed. They must have felt it necessary to receive her. She must have had a thick skin.

Or door osn't locked so family and friends knock and walk in .Its how its always been and we are happy to see them .I have had friends who came for lunch and ended up having dinner .sstaying over and having breakfast .It was all good fun though .I wouldn't like to make appointments with friends o family its just not how we were raised or how we are