Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

If you can afford it, go and enjoy it. It will be a good opportunity to bond with family especially after all the restrictions of Covid. Family matters more than money. At the end of the day, you are more likely to regret not going than saving the money. Make the most of it and have a fab time.

Yes it seems to be the 'custom' now, to arrange things this way

But 'customs' only establish themselves because we go along with them. I'm an 'ageing hippie' too and I married my ageing hippie husband four years ago with a Druid ceremony in a barn, a band composed of friends (and wow! they were brilliant!), everyone brought food and we said we did not expect presents. We received a few beautiful, well-chosen, inexpensive and - in several cases - hand-crafted gifts. It was lovely.
My advice, for what worth, would be to weigh up carefully what's in it for you, because it may be more fun than you anticipate. And spend only what you can afford.

I'm just wondering what the others in your party think of this?

Kryptonite

Just go for the day or part of the party, then go home. 70 miles is not far, at least where I live.

Precisely what we'd do, considerably more than we'd want to spend.

Just go for the day or part of the party, then go home. 70 miles is not far, at least where I live.

I have loved almost all weddings I have been to. Couples who have a separate party from the actual legal bit and know it will involve costs to guests often choose somewhere pretty even if far from home, it makes it more appealing. I wonder if this is true in this case? It is hard if you are short of £ of course, any venue a stretch, and Airbnb or Premier Inn are very expensive now, as is self catering. I would see it as a trip, but with a point, to celebrate their match. As to the gift, that is hard, maybe sleuth with relatives about what is appropriate, nothing or a modest cash as that is what they have requested. If they don’t want vouchers, don’t give. Both my daughters had honeymoon funds where folk could donate anonymously. It seemed to be what all their friends did, their generation used to it. Another had a house mending fund. But both had very modest hen events and sourced accommodation with friends for out of town guests. Work out what you can afford and enjoy. Hope the location is worth it!

No, you are not being a misery! The expense of being a wedding guest is rising all the time and even before the pandemic and the following cost of living crisis it was being reported that especially younger people were declining wedding invitations because of the cost.
Whether you go or not will depend on how much you want to go: if not that much, find a reason to decline and send a modest gift voucher as a gift!

I wouldn’t attend! never heard anything so ridiculous or self centred…

It depends on how much money I had. It would wipe out any chance at holidays for a year for me and therefore I would say no sorry its too expensive for me, have a wonderful time here is a JL token.

it it were comfortably within my income I think if its Really important in your families particular "terms and conditions" I'd bury the resentment and make it into the sort of getaway I'd like as far as possible.

Over all, I just don't get it - the huge, whole, shebang that some go through. Its about love between the couple and a modest family and friends party to celebrate.

I don’t attend any weddings these days as my family know that I do not believe a wedding is needed. If you love each other …live together and throw a part if you would like. Anyway….these days it seems ALL about the wedding and nowt about the marriage. Hence the high divorce rate when the reality hits home. This couple have had 12 years to know their own minds….. so if they’re happy….the wedding is not necessary…. Say NO to all of it. They’re 12 years too late.

Thats is what I would do

Our son booked a venue with all close family staying but he paid for everyone's room with no cost whatsoever for any of us. We had a wonderful time.

I'd be thinking about what I could do with that £1000 and it wouldn't be a hotel room for the night. Is there no cheaper accomodation near their venue like a Travel Lodge or something and then drive to it. As for their gift, it's up to yourself, but to actually tell you what they want is rude to me. Gone are the days people were happy with a toaster.

Giving a gift is optional. 70 miles is a couple of hours drive if you have a car. They cannot make you to stay in or pay for a room you haven't booked. Personally, I'd drive to the wedding, enjoy it , offer no gift - after all, what can they possibly need after living together for so long - and then I'd drive home afterwards with a smug smile on my face.

I would politely turn the invite down . Its a ridiculous and unacceptable expense considering they have been together so long. Make an excuse , Covid , flu ... if you're not bra v e enough to be truthful .

I've been in a similar situation, when we totted the cost of travel to the venue, cost of overnight stay, wedding present, wedding clothes for a family of four, decided not to go.

Does your husband want to go?
Can you afford to attend?
They are probably having the reception so that they can involve all the people who are dear to them in their happy event.
If your husband wants to go and you can afford to then it’s a bit mean and miserable not to go, it should be a lovely time with friends and family that you’ll enjoy hopefully.
If you can’t afford to go I’d explain and send a small thoughtful gift. If your husband doesn’t want to go it will be his responsibility to explain why.

Stuff 'em. Do not feel obliged to go. I'm sure you can find better things to spend your money on in the current economic climate.
Don't even bother with a gift or voucher as they've asked for cash!!!
Preposterous!!

How about telling the couple you will give a donation to charity in their name*, will raise a glass to their future happiness and devote the money you will save to keeping yourselves warm and safe this winter.

And you will be thrilled to welcome them to your place for a special family lunch with your mob to see the video of the wedding after the event.

* for mother's day one year my kids paid to 'twin' my toilet with one in Cote d"Ivoire. The charity got money to help with sanitation and I have a picture (displayed) of a very basic facility bearing my postcode. One of my proudest possessions.

These people are not living in the real world! Lived together 12 years, married in the Caribbean, now expecting people to go to all that kind of expense, for what??? They've
done it all and anyone living together for so long don't need a fancy expensive celebration. And mention of present preference! Just kindly refuse invitation. Could also throw in you thought they had gone and married years ago being together so long.

Just go enjoy yourself making memories you cannot take the money with you
I never attended my niece wedding due to a fall out I regret it now
You only live once you never die twice

Are you really close to them? Do you really, really want to go? It is so simple to say that you can't. The gift part is not mandatory so just ignore it.

When my daughter got married in a fancy hotel many miles away we couldn't afford to stay there and stayed at a Premier Inn.

If you can afford it and want to go then go.
If you can only afford less but want to go then book your own accommodation in your price range and go.
If you can’t afford it at all then it’s Hobson Choice but you could send them a present within your budget if that makes you feel better.

don't go

I think it is a bit presumptive of them. But realistically 6 rooms works out around £167 per room, which for a wedding venue hotel is about normal. Presumably your adult children would pay for their own. But if money is really tight, perhaps look for somewhere cheaper nearby and either taxi or declare a family driver. If you are a close family, and can afford to, swallow the cost and have a wonderful family get together. Be thankful that lots of families, like mine, had weddings postponed twice due to covid. Finally got there, but with added expense and due to only date finally being available at venue was mid week, lots of our family with children who had school, and who we hadn't seen for 2 years due to distances, were unable to attend. Hope you find a solution that you are happy with.