Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

I think they’ve got a bloody cheek . I’d decline the invitation and say I’ll give a donation to charity in lieu of a present ! They won’t be expecting that ???

I've declined 3 invites to weddings in the last couple of years for the very same reason. Expectations of their 'Grand Occasion' at a high cost to you is shocking and sad at the same time. Everything is about showing off and I think they are missing the most important thing about it, the union of two people. It should be fun but within their budget and not expecting guests to supplement the cost. By nature I'm a generous person but do not like to be taken for a fool. Here's wishing them many happy and healthy years ahead.

Look at B&B's nearby or a house on Airbnb which which will hold you all and let the couple know that you have made your own arrangements

I'd find my own AirB&B or a budget hotel .They should be able to "unbook " at this stage , it's not unreasonable to do that. My niece is getting married 80 miles away , but we will just make a weekend of it , and we will find an air BnB. It will be nice to catch up with family , we are not getting any younger .She's the last of the family to get married and I'm in my 7Os .I want to enjoy these celebrations while I can .I seem to go to funerals theses days.

If you can’t refuse to go then you have to go and pay the price surely.

Farzanah

If you read the thread littleflo has thanked everyone for their help and she has RESOVED the dilemma.

She has but we can add stories if we want to. Isn't this an open forum?

LadyHonoriaDedlock

No, littleflo, you aren't being a misery. As a general issue, this particular case aside, those who insist on having these exotic weddings and expecting their guests to shell out large amounts of money to attend are being selfish and unreasonable. They really have no right to expect anybody to attend.

How about a ceremony in a suitable nearby location that all relatives and friends can attend, and then have the romantic Caribbean holiday if that floats their boat? Or do they feel that poor relations don't count and poor friends can't be contemplated?

Sorry, littleflo, my apologies.

Ok, I had a senior moment and misread the question. Please ignore the direct reference, littleflo, and take my grumpiness as being a senior grump against a different kind of exotic wedding where guests really are expected to fly to Barbados or wherever at their own expense.

No, littleflo, you aren't being a misery. As a general issue, this particular case aside, those who insist on having these exotic weddings and expecting their guests to shell out large amounts of money to attend are being selfish and unreasonable. They really have no right to expect anybody to attend.

How about a ceremony in a suitable nearby location that all relatives and friends can attend, and then have the romantic Caribbean holiday if that floats their boat? Or do they feel that poor relations don't count and poor friends can't be contemplated?

If you read the thread littleflo has thanked everyone for their help and she has RESOVED the dilemma.

Weddings are such a huge thing nowadays. I'm sure everything was simpler and cheaper in the old days.
When I was married in 1969 we made our own sandwiches, DFiL brought champagne and DMiL made the cake. We had our wedding party at the house of a family friend which was bigger than ours. Any cash went towards a deposit on a house. Presents ranged from a glass wedding bell - which I still have, piles of towels - which I still use to £4 in notes from mum's boss. That did make us giggle.

When my first DS announced his engagement, DDiL produced a brochure from a wedding venue where prices began at £10,000. I gasped. She quickly said they would pay for everything and they did.
We paid for their honeymoon.
As long as you enjoy yourselves and the couple do too, that's all we can ask.

Is there not a possibility of renting a house or a larg(ish) appartment for your family in the vicinity of the wedding? Maybe a short-stay arrangement? £1000 is awfully expensive for just one night. Oh well, I wouldn't add any gift then.

So your share of the rooms is? One third? (Assuming one room for you, one for kids) £333 - still pricey but a lot less than a grand

We celebrated our 30th anniversary this year.

I’m Scottish and was living in SW1 when I planned our wedding ( my second DH first!). I did not want my family to have to pay for accommodation in central London nor did I want to arrange a wedding in Scotland. We married in our local church ( walking distance about 2 minutes) , had my Aunt and Uncle who lived in London and my two children at it. Meal at Dolphin Square ( walking distance 3 minutes!).
We then had a blessing in my home town church in Scotland and dinner at local restaurant for our families three months later. It worked really well. No stress, no dramas and we were able to pay for everything.

If you feel you must attend then find some cheaper accommodation, or go yourselves, but leave the other adult members of the family to decline.

I would make no bones about declining and being quite honest that hotel prices being what they are, plus a journey of 70 miles puts it well out of your price range.

littleflo

Gransnet Is so great. It is like having a large group of friends, some telling you to get over yourself, don’t go if you don’t want to. Others giving a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. We need both at times.

What a generous reply littleflo. A good subject to raise, glad you’ve managed to resolve the dilemma, and one which many of us have or will encounter.

Would that be scoffed at? If so that’s very rude.

Have no real family and most friends don’t tend to invite us to their children’s weddings so it’s rare we go.
Fine with us of course but wonder what sort of money amounts are seen as acceptable these days. I would be looking at £50 as a reasonable amount for a friends child, who are mostly much better off than we are and who we may not have seen fir years.
Does that sound about right? Luckily don’t have an invite so this is just a theoretical question .

Littleflo as they are already married didn't they have a reception at the time? I wouldn't go . Just send a gift voucher and nice card.

My eldest niece is getting married in this country next year but already said I don't expect an invitation as they brought their first house and doing it up. And having a small wedding. Will just send them a card and gift voucher .

I have been taken for a ride and stayed in the expensive hotel suggested by close relatives where the reception was . Only to find we were the only group there other than the bride and groom not even their parents.
I would think twice about ever attending another such wedding. We were asked for money as they already had a house and a toddler. The money present we later found out had been laughed at.
We were not included in any photos and were put on a table next to the toilets, so constant jostling.
Think are you doing it out of obligation or there are family you would like to see?
I should add if the venue had been much closer and the overnight stay cheaper and we had been looked after properly they would have got a cheque they would not have scoffed at

Whats the problem in saying "We dont have the budget for this at this time. We need our money for essentials"

We are in a similar position, primarily because we had already booked our accommodation in a lovely Country Hotel (fully refundable thankfully) and now have to change it or cause great offence to many family members.

New cost of Accommodation chosen by somebody else ? £700 plus food. Plus it’s non refundable so if anyone is unwell we will lose the money.

This is without cost of fuel, clothes, wedding gifts.

I dont want to go already.

In a wedding guest list -there are going to be guests allocated in the whole budget range - from almost no budget to unlimited

Generally speaking, it is not the couple's responsibility that anybody on the lower side can afford it by scaling down the celebration

According to that, a get together with coffee/tea and sandwiches at a home would have to be the norm - not realistic

Personally I don’t think the room rate is too expensive- I assume you would only have to pay for one of the rooms- but also if I didn’t want to stay there I would book a nearby premier inn ( love a premier inn) but then you have add the costs of taxis if you both want to have a drink. Also they have said they don’t expect a pressie - therefore your presence can be the present

I do think we have to be aware of cultural expectations around gifts of money. Traditional English culture would mostly expect money only to be given by very close family. But there are many cultures where expecting money, including money to pay for the wedding itself is considered quite normal. This has filtered through, as cultural norms tend to.
I realise that wasn't quite the original point, but has been part of the general conversation.
And JaneJudge, I agree about considering other folks' circumstances.