Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

It's the principle (rather than the cost) with me. Couples - or brides - get so caught up with the details of their big day that they haven't a clue how their invites strike the recipients. No matter how close the relationship, I won't be told where I'm staying, what I'm buying - or my expected 'duties' with babysitting - no thanks! I'll do my own thing, make my own arrangements, but attend if I can, of course (although I'll secretly be bored rigid) - oh and be called away and leave early!

SiobhanSharpe Good point! We booked an airport car to take us to Lapland Uk with DD 3 last year and the round trip of about 140 miles cost us £200 a lot cheaper than a posh hotel!

We were invited to a wedding in Italy and had no hesitation in declining. Flights, hotel, dog sitter etc. just cost a fortune. I think it's just selfish to expect all your guests to pay out so much - and buy a present too!

Presumably if the couple have been married since May then everyone who wanted to has already given them a present irrespective of function invitation. You can either afford it or you can't. Don't see the problem.

Posted too fast

They just communicate their wishes to the whole audience as many people may have the same question - one and done is better than addressing it multiple times individually

An invitation is not summons

167 pounds per room - depending on location, time of the year... could be a fair price

Many couples now have a different approach
If they get asked too many times about a gift registry, they just communicate their wishes

I think them saying no gift is necessary is truly giving the guests an out - kind of them

I do not think you are being a misery littleflo
I hope you enjoy the occasion.

littleflo

We cannot refuse to attend. When we were young we spent lots of time together and we’re very close as the cousins were all of similar age. This is the last of that generation to get wed.

The six rooms are for 4 couple plus their teenage children.

As for the cost of the hotel. It is unavoidable due to the location.

I am sorry, I did not see this littleflo.
In which case, say that you will find your own accomodation, there are plenty of no frills hotels, and that will save so much money.
I think if it really has to be cash, does that not include a cheque? The amount I suggested above will be enough, or whatever you wish to spend.

Thank you all,. As always well balanced answers which have made me see sense. Especially those who said the cost is not unreasonable, I think I am out of touch. My children all paid for their own weddings, but we paid for the evening drinks and buffet. I think wedding guest now buy their own drinks.

I have managed to get it off my chest. I will make sure I enjoy the wedding and have a lovely evening with my family.

To answer my own question, ‘Yes, I was being a misery’.

Kittycat

Tbh Unless you all desperately want to go to the ‘party’, I would decline the invitation. Send them a John Lewis voucher as a nice gesture.

I would do this too.
Because it is your husband’s niece he will want to do something nice for her, it does depend upon your finances as to how much for a voucher, but we did a similar thing a few years ago, and sent £75.That buys something good for the home.

I’m too old now to worry about accepting invitations to something I don’t agree with. The wedding was 6months ago! They’ve lived together for 12yrs. I wouldn’t be going.

Littleflo, you did not say how well off you are or how poor you are.

If you can afford it and want to go, then go and pay for hotel rooms. If you can't afford it then camp in your cars and tents and give them something simple from a charity shop.

I read about that as well lemsip guests were being asked to contribute £100 pp towards the cost of food.
I think some couples now plan their weddings with little consideration for their guests. If you want a dream wedding in Barbados then go ahead and have one but don't expect guests to spend their hard earned money on your dream. Have a party at home afterwards to include everyone.
I would have no hesitation in turning down an invitation like this.

If you are combining the wedding with a family holiday then the expense is more justified.

I'd come up with an excuse not to go.

You say you can not refuse !!!
Well I would ... tough on them should have asked before booking ... in the end your decision

TBH, if a couple have lived together for 12 years, and the actual wedding was 6 months ago, to me it all seems rather pointless.

Did the close family, i.e. the parents, attend the Barbados wedding, or was it just the bridal pair?

The fact that everyone spent lots of time together when younger can often be irrelevant as they all grow up. Obviously not that close to not be invited to the original wedding?

Nephews and nieces in our family seem to get married with only certain selected family invited, if they get married at all. Doesn’t bother me, up to them and I certainly don’t feel I then have to buy a gift.

( Our own daughter married in Australia, her husband is Australian. All the aunts and uncles on our side were invited, unsurprisingly no one came, which I understand, flights, hotels, time off work etc. Too expensive.I later hosted a buffet party at our home, with one tier of the wedding cake, and showed all the family the wedding video. Went down well, and seemed a fair solution).

About 18 months ago, I posted about a somewhat similar situation. I understand the obligation to attend.
I definitely agree with VB000 about looking for an Airb'n'b or similar. I wouldn't feel any obligation to stay at the hotel if something else suits you better, and you find holiday lets all over the place!
I also agree with Casdon about making it into a bit of a break to enjoy - although family obligations may make that difficult.
I am quite lucky, because we are 'crafty' people, DH or I make a small personal gift - examples have been a cheeseboard, or a 'wedding ring' patchwork cushion. I say 'I'm sure you understand that we've spent most of your gift money on coming here, but wanted you to know we are thinking of you'.

I also found that once I got among family, so happy to see everyone, my 'grumps' disappeared, even though I still do think it's a cheek, I was able to enjoy myself!

Buy them a toaster! ?

Another thought. Seeing as the reception is 70 miles away and you wouldn't want to have to drive back -- could you hire a 10 or 12 seater minibus and driver to take your party there and back?
Yes, it won't be cheap but it will be a lot less than £1,000+.
And you'll have a driver so you can all fall asleep on the way back. And also not have to worry too much about alcohol consumption!

It may be remote, but it may be worth seeing if there is an AirBnB nearby?

I agree that it's all gone mad.

I think that since the tradition of the bride's father paying for the whole shebang has ended, and since getting married is no longer the usual way that couples start a life together at a stage when every teatowel is a help, there has been a trend towards people turning them into a festival of 'me'. It's worse for young people - they also have to fork out for the engagement, the hen/stag party (or even parties, as some have more than one), and then the wedding, with associated outfits and presents for each. Then there's the 'gender' reveal and the baby shower - it never stops.

I know young people who are unable to take holidays together because all their budget for money and leave is used up on other people's nuptials. It seems daft to me, but I suppose they are mostly doing what their friends are doing, which is what most of us did in our different ways - in my case a night out with friends before the wedding, a ceremony in a local church with reception close by and a couple of nights in a hotel. We did what we expected to do, and they are doing likewise, whether we approve of it or not.

Playing devil’s advocate. I don’t honestly think that £200ish per room is extortionate for a nice hotel. I’d go, enjoy the wedding and make a weekend of it by doing something else in the area on the Sunday - all the better if it’s 70 miles away, as you’re bound to find somewhere interesting that you haven’t been to before. . If it leaves you strapped for cash, explain that you can’t afford a gift as well, I’m sure they will understand.

Are none of the other adult couples chipping in to help pay for the rooms for themselves and teenage DC?
Are are you saying the cost is too much for all of you even if you're paying separately?
It's a tricky one if you feel you absolutely have to attend. Cut right back on the cash gift(s) ?

I have been to weddings that are in a hotel the room rates seem a little high as a hotel will usually give discounted rates to guests but I suppose it depends how high end the hotel is
I am presuming you are only paying for a room for yourself and your husband

Its an invitation not a summons. I simply state that I did not have the budget for it at this time.