Is this a generation thing or a personality thing?

Oh the banging into things, dropping things and the way I get paint all over for me when I decorate because I can always be guaranteed to put my hand on, or lean against the wall I have just painted, no matter how hard I try to remember!

M0nica, it is hard when you really have to work at things that other people find easy! My only complaint with my sister is that she doesn't optimise the strategies that are available to her especially nowadays with timers on phones, etc. I am affected in other ways but the explosion of technological help has made things much easier to cope with. I still haven't learned to get through a doorway without hitting the frame though or getting something from a shop display without causing chaos but my husband says he always knows where to find me from the tumbling display!

icanhandthemback I have both, dyspraxia and ADHD, and I know the problem, but, while I often get to places by the skin of my teeth, I have never missed a plane or bus or train or arrived embarrassingly late for anything that matters, except when faced with circumstances beyond my control. lesser matters, I admit I do have this problem over being unable to judge time and also failing to notice it is passing when I am hyper concentrating.

I keep my watch running at least 5 minutes fast and use clocks and alarms, for the things where it really matters. I also have a DH who abhors being late and chivvies me.

Can I just say that as far as punctuality goes, ADHD and Dyspraxia can make time keeping an actual nightmare. The ability to judge how much time you will need to get jobs done or get ready is often compromised so each thing you do leads you to be time poor. Organisational skills are often lacking too so time runs away with you. My sister has been diagnosed in her late fifties and she has had this problem all her life. It drives me absolutely insane waiting for her and when her impulsivity makes her make a detour on the way it really looks as if she doesn't give a toss for you standing around waiting. It has been the cause of many a family argument especially when she was the Godmother of my daughter and we were all waiting by the font for her!
Before you throw away good friendships, look up the signs of ADHD as they present in women and you might be surprised. It presents so differently in men so most women sufferers were never diagnosed.

Out of interest, when do planners begin "planning" for events, birthdays, Christmas? I usually begin to think on what may perhaps need to happen at the day before. Except a few food items I regularly advance make, yearly, for certain meals or seasons - I do no plans longer than the day prior.

We ask our daughters to each select their Christmas date, to be with us, by talking at each other to select the 4 days. Prior we drop their gifts off to their homes, all on a quick drive - no time wasted.

Of course I buy tickets a few weeks prior to travel, that's not what I'm asking. Travel is a fun process compared to just events or holidays.

I no longer make social arrangements I dont intend to keep. I just tell them that doesnt work for me and Im not offering/keeping any appointments at this time. No need to explain or feel guilty.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think punctuality and loose plan making tends to be a personality thing. As for pulling out of arrangements or letting people down, I think it is a bit of both. I have noticed through the years that people tend to be less worried about commitment. It is something that drives me mad because if I say I am going to do something then that's what I do unless I am death's door. When my son played hockey, team members would say they would play and then not turn up, sometimes aided and abetted by their parents. I expected that if my son said he was playing a match, he would be there because if he didn't go he would be letting down his whole team, the parents who did bother, the coaches and, as importantly, himself.

Calendargirl

kircubbin

It’s people like that who are the bane of A&E departments.

surprisingly, she did actually have an injury which the GP could not have dealt with and was treated very quickly.

In the case described by Nanamar I suppose the financila and emotional success of the birthday celebration did not depend on her daughter in law's attendance in which case the daughter in law was not at fault. The young woman concerned had a good social excuse that absolved all concerned.

This is not always the case as when there are far larger issues at stake than a mere birthday party.

Whatever generation is the case, it remains unkind and immoral(and sometimes illegal) to dishonour an agreement where the other has expended emotion, time, or money because she trusted you to uphold your side of the agreement.

If someone voluntarily betrays another's trust this is at best a casual attitude that will give her a bad reputation among people who know she did so.

WhenI was working we used to put on lunches for our volunteers and it was very noticeable that the older ones would always arrive around 30 minutes early and we learnt to cover the food up until the correct time because otherwise one or two would hoe into it straight away ! I notice now that most people 70 plus arrive on time or early - including me. My Mum was a stickler for punctuality and it must have rubbed off. I think it is rude to be late for things and I have a nasty memory of waiting for a friend about for 45 minutes outside a cinema in the rain. No apology whatsoever and with that lady it wasn’t the only time. No longer friends now, thank goodness.

FudgeM, I very much agree with you about two hits and they're out. Sad but necessary.

Personality thing, including the telling of a blatant lie.

I'm very much in the camp of I like plans ahead of leaving and always turn up on time and rarely cancel. I too stop seeing people who cancel twice in a row as it makes me feel crap and like I'm not a priority so leave them to get on without me. Makes me sad but for me and how I feel it's better. I think it's generational and also covid, oh hasn't that upset the world sadly.

kircubbin

It’s people like that who are the bane of A&E departments.

One of the main reasons my friend is late is that the phone rang as she was leaving.Why not ignore it or put the answer phone on?
Also unable to leave the house until hair and makeup perfect.

I suppose in the past it was more difficult to cancel at the last minute as once someone had left the house you couldn't contact them. Most cancellations now occur because something has happened with friend's GC and they are needed to help out. I had a dad who insisted on being on time and consequently I get very edgy if someone is late. I do like to know ahead what I am doing , last minute 'surprises' are not so welcome now I am older.

Friend called to arrange to meet last week. I sat for 20 minutes, no sign. Then our other friend arrived and told me she had texted her she would be late. No text for me!🙄

Interesting conversation with my son recently when I told him of my prospective luncheon arrangements with a friend. The date had been made awhile back and he asked if I had contacted her to ensure she was remembering. I said not as I knew she would be there (she was) but he thought that was a decidedly dodgy omission. I guess it sometimes is a generation thing.

I am a "planner" by nature so this would drive me mad.

Many years ago a younger colleague (who worked at another branch) rang to ask if he could bring his friends around to my flat that evening. I knew I would be tired and in no mood for company. I told him truthfully I had no food in for guests and had only catered for one. "Oh dont worry. We will bring pizza and wine!". So I allowed myself to be persuaded into an evening with guests.

At lunchtime I went to the cash machine and spent my time shopping for fruit, cheese and wine. I felt I could not have guests (even unplanned ones) and offer them nothing. Later in that day my colleague rang to say the arrangement was off as he and his friends had got "another invitation".

I told him I had spent my lunchtime (and money) buying in food for their visit. I gave him a real hard telling off for his attitude that it was acceptable to more or less push someone into entertaining him and his friends only to have them dump me when a more desirable invitation came up. His response was that I had a very "old fashioned" attitude and that the world was changing fast. Anyway they were bringing their own food so what he had done was perfectly acceptable.

At a later stage he sent me an invitation to his wedding. I wrote back declining without giving a reason, simply that I was unable to attend. I never socialised with him again (except in a group) and even then I kept my distance. I know that many of our colleagues felt he had behaved in a very cavalier fashion. He got the reputation of being unreliable and what Americans call flaky.

i am like Kim19 . My word is my bond. As an eldest, and having done things like hospital car volunteer, sticking to what I have promised and to be reliable is important to me. However I have had to adapt because of health reasons. So , now if I offer to take friends somewhere will arrange a time etc, but now have to say I will ring before 8.30am if my back is too bad to allow me to drive, but it would not be just for cavalier reasons, just didnt feel like going etc. Probably an age difference and we were brought up with no mobile phones, so unable to change plans easily, but I really would be very unhappy if a friend lied to me about their reasons and would reconsider the friendship level .

I think it is personality as well.

This Thursday I was hosting book group, there are 6 of us. One texted the group to cancel in the early afternoon as she wasn't feeling well (understandable), then another cancelled about 1 hour before because she had a busy day and was tired. I ended up texting the others to make sure they were coming. It's a bit frustrating. So we went from 6 of us to 4, but still managed to have a really nice chatty evening.

It's personality. One of my sons is a planner and punctual, the other last minute and spontaneous. My friend, aged 72, and I agreed to meet in a cafe. She is always late, always. I arrived early but when she hasn't turned up 40 minutes late I messaged her to say maybe we should make another plan. She replied, where are you? In the cafe. So am I, she replied. She was sitting three tables away from me, having got there on time but because my hair was tied back and I was facing away from her she didn't recognise me. We laughed so much we had the rest of the cafe in stitches too.

I always make plans and arrangements and I always keep them. Very occasionally something might happen which can't be helped but I will always contact people immediately if I have to cancel. I would expect the same from them, I would not be happy if I was left waiting for someone who just hadn't turned up. That's just rude.