Staying put or moving house?

Thank you Allsorts

PamelaJ1 your husband wouldn't be held hostage and forced to move just by going to a meeting!

My Dad (91) has lived in an extra-care apartment near me for the last four years.
When he first moved in he was very independent, with his own car, going out and about every day.
He needs more supervision and support now as he has developed vascular dementia, but it's available from the in-house care team and has been easy to arrange as and when it's required.

Two ladies in another apartment are abroad for half the year on holidays!
They like the fact that their property is being looked after and maintained while they're away.

Like you I'm not sure I'd want to stay in a big house if I were on my own.

I have been following a McCarthy and Stone development in our area. They are having an information day on Thursday in a local hotel that I would like to have gone to.
I want lots of information about costs but can’t go and DH refuses to go without me because he likes our home and doesn’t want to move anywhere.
I can’t stay here if he dies before me (huge garden and house too big) I would like to have something much smaller that I can leave easily to visit Australia and DD there.

MooMoo, so sorry for your loss, try to wait a while before moving. 💐to you and Aldom, suicide of a loved one is one if the worst feelings you can experience. So many questions.
I need to move, dragged my feet too long, but somewhere close to all shops and buses, not stuck in the countryside. where I can’t get out if I can’t use my car for any reason. Always a country girl at heart now find I like people and all local amenities.

I have friends living in retirement flats and imagined that this would be ideal in the future. Looking into the practicalities I was horrified at the maintenance charges on very modest little flats. £5000 yearly for the bills which cost just a few hundreds in my present home. That’s half my income.
I shall be staying put in my draughty little old cottage.

mooMOO, deepest condolences, that’s very hard.x

Arlme the situation you describe was pretty much my Dh and me this time last year, although my Dh was as keen as me to move. However, this time last year we were also sitting in a freezing cold house, having lost all services after Storm Arwen, and that put the final seal on our mission to find a new home. We wanted to move to be closer to services and make it easier to see our family.

The other decider was when a friend and her Dh, who was disabled by a severe stroke some years ago, both ended up in a care home after a sudden change in her health and ability to cope. They weren’t that elderly, mid-70’s. They had no choice in their circumstances, they couldn’t live at home any more and had to accept what was provided to them. That was all because they’d delayed and delayed selling their house and finding somewhere more suitable. I knew I didn’t want to be in a situation where other people decided about my life, if I could avoid it.

Decluttering after 25 years was a challenge but slowly and steadily, we got there. I’d definitely start that now, with smaller things, if need be. Ask yourself why you’re keeping hold of things. We had many, many books but I reasoned that I almost never reread anything so anything that has been read went. There were others I knew I’d never get round to reading, for various reasons - one book was so old I could no longer see the tiny print! They all went. Out of date reference type books got the heave ho. Cookery books I no longer use or use just one recipe went, after I’d copied it down.

My DC’s stuff was offered to them and if they didn’t want it, that went out. Items that were duplicated (how many jugs and vases does one household need?) went. Basically, it it didn’t give me pleasure or wasn’t useful, it went.

You could ask someone to come and value your house. That was a big breakthrough for us. We were at first shocked at how low it was and wondered if we’d be able to proceed but then came to the conclusion that they’d undervalued it. However, the survey was excellent so we put it on the market above their suggestion and were justified when we sold for almost 15% over the raised asking price.

When you have a figure written down on paper/on a screen, it becomes more real and a path through becomes clearer. It’s difficult to see your way out when there are so many unknowns in the way. Good luck!

A good cure for wanting to move to the country IMO, is staying many times with friends who live down a steep, very narrow country lane, where it’s a 15 minute drive even for emergency milk or loo roll, and even for walking the dogs anywhere you can let them off the lead (fields of sheep, not to mention the odd boy racer hurtling through the lanes.)

Worked for me! (Dh never had the urge anyway). Nice for a visit, but no thanks - especially as said friends got older and one of them could no longer drive. What on earth would have happened if the other ever couldn’t I dread to think, but one eventually died and his wife eventually moved to a very nice and convenient city flat where she’s very contented.

Thank you karmalady for your suggestions, I will read some more about moving in the house and home section. I am starting to declutter but it's all small stuff at the moment, anyway I shall keep going in the areas where he won't notice! Glad your move was a success karmalady, we have only ever done it twice and it was stressful then. We've also got loads more stuff now too. Have a lovely day.

Armle, you could start, quietly without fanfare, to prep for what may well be an inevitable move. Fill a shopping trolley with items you no longer use and quietly without fuss, take it all to a charity shop. Just tell DH that you want to make life easier, or say nothing at all

Actual moving is very hard, see the house and home section on GN but those of us who bit the bullet, have eventually found our peace, which includes shops and buses. It took me 3 years from when I started to de-clutter to when I put my house for sale, a forced start when my husband died.

We had done the original de-clutter when moving from the family home to somewhere a little smaller but too much still remained. Family home to town house to house in a village (widowed there) to here in a small market town. 2006 to 2019

I wish really that we had missed out the middle two steps but you live and learn

Staying put or moving house is going to be a dilemma for us. Well I say us but my husband does not recognise that it will be a problem. He is 75 I am nearly 67 and we live in the countryside where the nearest bus is 2 miles away. We are reliant on driving or using our electric bikes. My husband has health problems and has to take it fairly easy with jobs, which I should say he does love to do, but of course the list gets longer and longer. We have a largish garden and a black and White House which requires a lot of maintenance. We have a great outlook onto fields and I love watching the birds and wildlife. Our daughters family and young grandson live 95 miles away so we are not on their doorstep. I would love to be nearer them to take part in the school run etc and other day to day activities. I do go over to see them regularly with husband every other time for 2 days at a stretch. They would like us to move nearer because of the health problems, but my husband insists he will be healthier here in the countryside, and basically it will be too much trouble to move. He doesn’t want to move to countryside near our daughter either ‘as it’s not the same and it’s too flat and busy’. He says that if the worst comes to the worst and he has another health episode, or me also, then we will have to move then. But it will all be in a rush. I woukd like the chance to start a new garden, make some new friends and be near family. He says he knows that it would be the sensible thing to do but doesn’t want to take that step. So life goes on. Has anyone got any suggestions as to how he might be persuaded to change his mind?

If I could afford it, I would retire to the coast.

My parents made the mistake of moving to the coast. A lovely place to holiday wasn't a good place to live, though. It was cold, bleak, windy - and largely deserted in the winter, except for the bungalow-dwelling oldies. They rarely went to the beach and the local facilities were lacking. The tiny cottage hospital didn't cater for anything serious or complicated, so many appointments were for the main one, an hour away by train or road. We had a two hour trek to see them, so didn't go very often.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LULU16

well done on making a good move !!!

My husband and i are both in our seventys downsized three times now in an appartment walking distance to town centre and station and food shops nearby Aldi Waitrose Sainsburys On top floor bit of a nusence when lift breaks down but use the stairs for exercise more often than not We have lovely views and can sit on our balcony winter and summer with and without coats. In our opinion outside space how ever small is a must especaily important after COVID pandemic etc
Neighbours are a variety of ages so all good family live within 10 miles of us so can visit easily We think we have made a wise choice and hope we can stay here whilst our health is good and avoid a care home and its costs as long as we can so recomend downsizing whilst you can !!!!!!

Lixy and Ziplok thank you for your replies of condolences it means a lot to me right now.

Aldom thank you for your reply, I am sorry you lost your Son. You are right a suicide is one of the most painful deaths to deal with. I shall wait awhile to decide what to do with my home.

Could you afford a mobile home/trailer to use for holidaying. You would be able to visit different places near the sea, DH could do his fishing. I too constantly consider moving but house is useful when for when family visit as they don't live nearby. Also a smaller house where I would like to live is more expensive so kind of have the decision made for me.

I would stay where you are as you know where you stand health wise which is one of the most important factors at our age. Although your husband can’t go out in a boat the sea walks are great in Sydney and if he doesn’t want to fish from the land you have the possibility of hiring a boat.

We had a lovely big family home and large garden. It just reached the stage where we were spending all our time doing maintenance and gardening. Major projects needed completion too, like a new roof.
I was brought up by the sea, so we started looking at coastal properties. In reality, the amenities were not as good and every house we viewed invariably needed repairs.
One rainy day we looked at smaller properties in a nearby town. We chose a property that afternoon and have never looked back. We are near to shops, doctors, library etc It was a wrench getting rid of possessions, but I have not missed anything at all. Being near a train station, we can visit the seaside whenever we like.
I think that you just know when something is right, just go with your gut reaction.

MooMOO, condolences to you. I think you are sensible to wait before making any major decisions - at the moment your emotions will be so raw. 💐 Take care.

We sometimes think it might be nice to move to a more picturesque place, but the reality is that we have nice neighbours where we are, good public transport, surgery, pharmacy, dentist and supermarket close by - all reachable by bus if ever we have to give up the car, several towns and cities within not too far a distance should we want to venture further for different shops and the coast is within reach within 11/2 - 2 hours depending which place we want to visit. We’ve got the house and garden more or less as we like it (there’s always little tweaks to do, aren’t there 😁), and although it has stairs, if mobility becomes an issue it would be possible to install a stair lift if it ever became necessary. Some of our family are close by, others further afield. So, thinking it through, we are probably just as well staying where we are.

We downsized two years ago and moved back to the city where two of our children live. One other is not far away.
It's really such a relief to be in a smaller place on a well-managed development. We've had our renovation work done and are looking forward to the next stage of our lives in a comfortable easily managed apartment. DH has health problems, managed by medication, but we have good local amenities, regular buses and a hospital just a short bus ride away for his check-ups.
Rural living is a lovely dream but we'd choose practicality and proximity to family every time.