Do some of you share this thought about the future?

I lost my DH 3 years ago and still miss him so much. We had our ups and downs over the 51 years we were married but we had each other and our two AC and 3 grandchildren. He had terminal cancer and I watched him deteriorate slowly until he died in a wonderful hospice that gave him back his dignity.
You learn to cope but I miss him every single day.
We often laugh about the things he said and did and I curse him at times for not doing the jobs round the house that I now have to get someone in to do.
My grandchildren are my pillars now, keep me going and we love to be in each other’s company.
It’s not easy on your own, especially in the evenings but you cope because you have to.
I feel for widows who have no family or friends, it must be so hard for them.
I too fear dementia, as my father and cousin died with it. It’s such a destroying illness both for the sufferer and family.

DH and I have been married for 56 years. He's starting to have health problems so I'm starting to realize I could end up alone. He has been good about handling our finances so I dread possibly having to do that on my own. He can drive me crazy at times, but we are pretty compatible. We enjoy our children and grandchildren, discuss lots of things, and have the same sort of dark sense of humor. It is beginning to hit me how empty and lonely it would be if he goes before me. I'm thankful for this forum so I can learn how others cope.

Thank you for this thread which is so inspirational and despite so much pain in bereavement, what shines through is the love and cherished memories that so many posters have for their partners.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you all.
I hope I will cope, when my time comes if my DH dies before me, and this has prompted me never again to take him for granted.

Absolutely, Iam 💐. I miss DH every second of every day. During the first 22 years of our marriage, he was a soldier and as a soldier’s wife I had to put up with many periods of separation, but I always knew he was coming back. Now that he’s not, it doesn’t bear thinking about, but I truly know the last thing he would want was for me to pull up the drawbridge and wallow. Kind thoughts to all posters, bereaved and not, alike.

Iam64 thank you. I feel for your loss and am inspired by what you say: "We cope as we have to. Also because I believe it can strengthen our resilience. By this stage of life, most of us will have faced many challenges we somehow survived and learned from. I’d rather not be having to learn to live without my husband but what’s the alternative. I also know he would want his loved ones to live well x"
I hope I can have both your courage and wisdom if I have to face such a loss. Thank you.

Thank you Norah
Greyduster - your post resonated with me. We cope as we have to. Also because I believe it can strengthen our resilience. By this stage of life, most of us well have faced many challenges we somehow survived and learned from. I’d rather not be having to learn to live without my husband but what’s the alternative. I also know he would want his loved ones to live well x

Iam64 I'm very sorry.

Nanna8 I like fish fingers!😄

The only time I worried about either of us dying was, absurdly, the year of our fiftieth anniversary - I was terrified one of us wouldn’t make it! That was six years ago. After that, I never really gave it another thought. Then, this year, DH died. It is helpful to see the posts of GNetters who have passed through this dreadful part of their lives - this vale of tears- - and emerged at the other side able to cope. That was nicely put, Varian. What else is there to do but cope? I cope for my children and my grandchild. I cope to ensure DH’s legacy endures within our family. My biggest fear now is not for myself, but for their health and safety. My motto for the rest of my life will be “Persta atque obdura - be steadfast, and endure”.

We had 42 very happy years, two children and grandchildren. Mr i was we thought, very fit at 71. An upset stomach led to investigations. In April a devastating diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic cancer. He died 6 weeks ago. , I have health problems and expected to die long before him. I was with him the last 8 days of his life, the last 4 end of life care in a small side room, our daughters with us throughout.
Im desperately sad and miss him but count my many blessings. I’m trying to continue living the best life I can. I’m thankful for our happy life together, for the loving support of family, friends and my dogs

Nursing homes do indeed vary. One home that SSD recommended that I look at resulted in me sitting weeping in my car afterwards - NO WAY was my life's partner - a GP with years of service to the community - going to live there. It was because of that that I set about selling our home so that he could live as decent a life as possible for the time he had left.

Nursing homes vary a lot. I've been in some really nice ones and seen people really relax and flower with the burden of running a house and coping with shopping and self care removed. Of course there are others which are not so good.

🥰🥰

Losing my husband who is 6 years older than me, health and independence probably in that order. I would rather shoot myself than go into a ghastly nursing home where they feed you fish fingers and other trash.

I never gave being a widow a thought. Took what I had for granted. I have friends and keep busy. Becoming a widow is far wires than I could gave imagined. I feel on the outside of life, the pain is still the same as the day my dh died and I feel as if I am just going through the motions. I never tell anyone that as it was so many years ago and all have their own problems. I have travelled and had good times but the sad fact my d estranged me and I hardly see my son has made it almost unbearable to face each day never mind the future and how I would manage if I couldn't look after myself as I dread like most people losing my independence .

I rely heavily on my wonderful husband. We both have some serious health concerns and it gets boring. It's tedious just tending to your illnesses and your fractures, etc.

I’m grateful that my late DH (six years widowed) and I pursued our different interests without interference, as it has made the pain of widowhood much easier. I’m out of the house so much, even though I should be sorting this repository of long gone relatives’ stuff.
I now realise how much I took him for granted, I was a handful, without going into detail, but of course he was not perfect. We had a fourteen year age gap between us and when I read about Charles and Diana, I can see a similar situation. It’s not nice to be left with guilt, so cherish your husbands, if they are good men.
I’m grateful for my DS, 20 miles away and my conscientious DD at the other end of the country, as well as DGD at university. We are all very close and I have no financial worries 🤞
It’s heart rending to read of the loss of our DC, that is my greatest fear, followed by my own physical or even mental deterioration.
There is great happiness after widowhood, even if punctuated by sadness, if one’s health is ok. Having interests and passions helps enormously.
Mary Berry said her greatest fear was being widowed, so I think it is a common thing to fear.
.

I didn't ever fear 'widowhood' - or see it as a permanent change. He was my second husband (and fourth live-in partner) and died young, leaving me widowed at 42. Yes, it was a horrible time, having sole responsibility of four young children, changing career and social life. I went through a painful 'invent a new life' stage, then met somebody else (after two years) and I've had several partners since.

The worry that really bothers me isn't about myself - it's the grim, uncertain future for my children - and especially my grandchildren. We've really messed up the planet and life will become very difficult for them. They won't be able to reverse the damage either, just slow down the destruction, as it's far too late

What's the point of living to a ripe old age if you're sat in a nursing home having to be hand fed and having your bum wiped and not knowing anyone or recognising your surroundings. There is no quality of life.

The thing about dementia is that the person with it knows nothing about it.

But for most people it isn't like that, the complete helplessness only comes near the end. My aunt was in a care home for six years. Fore most of the time she was self caring and until close to the end she was eating normally. She was quite happy there.

I visited a friend with dementia on Friday. He needs a bit of supervision when dressing but, he was walking about and in the day room, which he had just walked into when I arrived and enjoying his elevenses. He was his usual self, delighted to see me, though I decided later he probably didn't know me from Eve, despite a 45 year friendship between our families. We then sat and chatted. I tried a gently reference to past times, but got no response. He has a carefully crafted range of mean nothing phrases that are his protection. 'So that was that', 'that is how things are', and others.

I discussed it later with his son and he agreed, that his dad remained the person he always had been and was clearly happy and contented where he was, but his memory has gone completely.

The quality of life he has now, is not the quality of life I would want - now -. But he is happy and content and is probably well satisfied with his quality of life.

I dread dementia. To my mind it's akin to a living death. What's the point of living to a ripe old age if you're sat in a nursing home having to be hand fed and having your bum wiped and not knowing anyone or recognising your surroundings. There is no quality of life.
Even worse they can keep you going for years in that state.

Sending a gentle hug to all who grieve

Such sad stories here. Nanatoone I totally agree re prostate cancer. The prostate is so small but causes such devastation. We hadn't really heard of it much until DH was diagnosed. It is the most common cancer in men. My brother in law has it too, as does my neighbour.

I do not want to be a widow, but as things stand, it is more likely than not.

I sympathise with Debbie58. DH is not a smoker and has cut his (wine) drinking drastically, but he is very overweight and has had a triple heart bypass and has diebetes. In his case the cause is more genetic, than self abuse. He eats sensibly (I see to that) but the hospital gave him an antibiotic resistant infection when he had his bypass that nearly killed him and left him with damaged lungs, which reduces how active he can be.

Fortunately, I have always been very independent and self sustaining. DH's job took him all over the world and to many less than salubrious places, much before mobile phones and email, so for a lot of our marriage I have been at home alone, running the family 'business' and home.

I think I will cope if I am widowed, whether I want to be widowed is a very different question.

I’m very grateful for the 43 years with my beloved and handsome husband. I’m deeply sorry that we were not aware of prostate cancer, it’s a sneaky and evil disease. In the three years since I lost him I have coped by not dwelling on my loss, it doesn’t help me. I’m grateful my two girls are secure and have their own homes and that my two GC are close by and I’m for enough to care for them (a lot). I’m heartbroken for those who have lost children at whatever age. That’s just unbearable.

Grateful for the 55 years of martiage to my late DH. The 47 years of having our late DD. And of course still having my twin sons and two GC. One major regret is not knowing that prostate cancer has the same makeup as triple negative breast cancer. Had we known this when DH diagnosed 16 years ago would have insisted DD was regularly screened, no matter the cost. No-one, no professional over all those years raised the issue only when DD diagnosed. On widowhood, I wish I had paid more attention to and actually undertaken more DIY jobs and car maintenance. No confidence in fixing things now. (Family don't live nearby to help other than with very minor things when they visit.) Of course miss DH, in every aspect of life.