Feel the fear and do it anyway

So sorry Iam64 it is still very early days.
In a way, the lockdown helped me. I wasn't the only one staying home!

There are so many Firsts aren't there.
I met his old work colleagues for a Christmas lunch last week. It was fine
His mum is an inspiration. She says " you just have to get on with it"
But she lets herself be looked after now, having been the carer, the cook, the homemaker and a school teacher, her whole life.
I am still working out how I want to live my life without him.
This will be the first Christmas I have hosted for 3 years.

When I posted on Next door about being stuck because of the ice 2 strangers offered to shop for me. Luckily I didn't need anything this time.

I think people find ways to lessen their fears, work around parts of fears. For example driving on motorways - I still drive, but less often, only in daylight, never in the rain, to arrive and depart at certain times. The length of the trip doesn't yet bother me. Tiredness may begin limiting me to 200 miles.

My greatest fear is loneliness, I haven't had to work out living or being alone. Well done you who are working through living alone.

Life can batter us about a bit. I certainly am battered and have always been fearful. Of life in general. However, I've got in with it like most of us do.

We are all amazing in our own ways and so courageous about facing our fears. What an impressive bunch we all are .

Iam64 you did all the difficult things organising etc to support you DH when you had too. You probably stretched yourself now is the time for you to take it easy you are entitled to it.💐

My confidence has gone down the tubes since DH died in April. Like many, I had been happy to let DH do the driving because he enjoyed it, and liked ever bigger cars, which I didn’t. When he became ill, I had to step up to the plate and tackle my demons but I still had his reassuring presence. Now that he’s gone, I can barely bring myself to walk across the fields on my own, but in the new year, I’m going to consciously tackle flying solo, or I might as well kiss the rest of my life goodbye. It’s taking the first steps that is hard.

Thanks for this thread Maw and all you lovely people who responded. It’s hit the spot for me and also restored my faith in gransnet as a kind supportive and informative place.

It’s 10 weeks since my lovely husband died. His diagnosis was in April so we had 6 months together knowing his life was limited, though his doctors believed 18-24 months rather than 6.

During his illness, I did all the driving, organising, booking/cancelling things. In the last several weeks, my ability to keep in top of admin, pensions, bank, probate etc etc has been poor. I worry I’ve done it wrong, often this proves the case.

I’ve worried about falling on the icy pavements so the dogs get driven to a secure field rather than walked. The dogs of course the main reason I worry about falling, who would walk the big, boisterous, excitable young lab?

I’ve been to two social occasions we always did together, I really had to encourage myself as staying at home reading/watching tv was more appealing. I’m glad I went. All these firsts.

I was strong for him, but I’m tired and sad, of course I am. This compassionate thread is reassuring. Thank you all

I was nervous having driving lessons after two years on and off I passed my test. The freedom a car gives you is the reward I have always enjoyed since my early 20s. I had to drive for my work at the time as it was near impossible to take public transport.

I slowly lost confidence driving on a motorway the speed of the traffic started worrying me. I don’t like driving through tunnels and that’s something I avoid too. I don’t drive to places I don’t know either I go out most days if there is a diversion that rubs me up the wrong way. I will persist to get to where I want to be that’s me being stubborn though. The most ridiculous thing is I worked in traffic as a young woman and very confident I was too!

I have always had to put on a brave face all my life and fear social occasions but you are right Maw some things get harder as you get older, like driving. I don't see quite as well so restrict myself to daytime if possible.

My DGMiL said *Just show your face" . You can slip away early and noone will notice.

I have had to deal with so many things since DH died 2 years ago - that I always left to him. I am quite surprised how I have coped.
Computery things are the worst for me .

Smileless any chance of a reconciliation?

Maw, you are certainly not alone, when first widowed for years I did everything, went on holidays etc. kept the home running all same as he did. Out of an evening 3/4 times a week seeing friend or attending groups. Covid came. . Then I had a few health problems , was admitted to hospital and realised I was totally responsible for me, my d estranged, my confidence went, think a lot was the loneliness. I discharged myself and still manage very well. I won’t drive of a night now if it’s dark, icy or bad weather. Avoid motorways or busy times too.
Don’t do taxis where I live as you don’t get same driver twice and they would know I’m alone so said no to outings and my social life has suffered. I tried facing the fear and doing it, but worried all the time I was out so it was pointless. Dislike going to events such as anniversaries, birthdays or funerals on my own, can’t wait to be back.
Lucky girl, I’m so sorry you are feeling as you do, into missing out on Christmas events for the same reason. It’s awful you having to fight for the help you need, services are cutting back so much I don’t think there’s enough to go round, even more reason to be careful. Have you tried ringing Age Concern, I think you could make an appointment for either them to visit you or you visit them. and advise you how to get the help you are entitled to. Please try.

This is such a helpful, compassionate and informative thread. I too am often in the 'my get up and go got up and went' category. Happily I have retained my active. social life and driving ability thus far. I've become totally wimpy at dealing with domestic issues. Pipes are currently frozen and I'm struggling with potential practicalities. Tried for a plumber with no success so far. In the past I would have coped with things like this in a positive and practical manner but now I feel flummoxed and fearful. I do !ittle night driving now but have certainly been helped by anti glare specs. Hats off to you ladies who keep biting bullets. Stickers all round!

V3ra

Luckygirl3 that's so sad you feel like this when you were so strong for so long.
It sounds like you could do with someone to look after you now, do you have any help in the house?

Thanks V3ra. I do have help in the house once a fortnight and it is a great blessing. But I have missed two Christmas lunches and some other festivities this year as I just could not muster the energy to make the effort to go - so unlike me!

I have been seriously iced in for the last week - I live on a hill in the middle of a small village and I could not get the car de-iced (there was ice inside the windscreen!) and did not have the courage to try walking as I usually do - far too icy on the lane.

Just had two cataracts removed and I am very wary of driving at the moment, although I have been given the thumbs up to do this.

I too hate motorways with a passion - cars hurtling about for no particular reason than they like going fast. Speed has never turned me on in any way. Mind you most people would prefer a motorway to our country lanes! - but I am used to those.

The winter is a real downer too - the dark closes in so early and curtails my activities.

But I guess this is just life.

I wish those organising the caring professions had the tiniest concept of what a battle it is to get their services. As individuals they were fine - but we saw them after a massive fight to get them to us at all. And many of those heading the fight are getting older themselves.

After being ‘sheltered’ during various lockdowns and having multiple health issues that were not resolved at that time, I found I had become used to being at home. I don’t get bored, I have many interests to occupy my time and a wonderful husband.

However I am showing an increasing reluctance to leave our home, which, in popular parlance, is my ‘happy place’. I certainly restrict any outings to daytime hours, I don’t like driving in the dark, nor on icy roads, particularly when the sun is shining on them. Really I prefer people to visit me rather than vice versa, which sounds extremely lazy I know. I leave things that I need to do (which I would normally have taken in my stride), to the last minute. Procrastination is my middle name. I find that I have to keep chasing up things that others (companies, not family nor friends) have dealt with inefficiently, which annoys me tremendously (eg is there anyone there British Gas, why is it taking so long to make you app work, why are you recommending it to customers when it doesn’t work? ). Altogether I feel very out of sorts, but reading this I think what a miserable old bat I have become. I really have no complaints about my life, but frequently think that the world has gone mad, or is it me?

Luckygirl3 that's so sad you feel like this when you were so strong for so long.
It sounds like you could do with someone to look after you now, do you have any help in the house?

tanith you could book assistance for the train stations and airport if you're not confident to travel on your own.

Personally I would much rather travel by train for a long distance than drive on my own. Part of this is knowing where the toilet is! 😐
I've also happily flown on my own, and book all our holidays and flights.
I arrange a holiday abroad for myself and three friends every year without a second thought, though I'm very thorough with the research and details.

I've had to get used to Zoom or Teams works meetings but won't switch my camera on, but then hardly anyone else does either!
I'd much rather go to a face-to-face meeting but they're a thing of the past now.

Social gatherings where I don't know people don't bother me, after all what's the worst that can happen? A couple of hours and I can go home and not see any of them again if it's too awful. There's usually someone to talk to.

My big hate though is motorways: I've never felt happy driving on them, despite having a motorway lesson after I passed my test, and now I don't even like being a passenger on them. No amount of "statistically they're the safest" will convince me.
If my husband's driving I bury myself in my phone and ignore what's going on outside.
Recently I went with my son to view two potential wedding venues: one was a (to me) nightmare journey down two motorways, the other was a sedate ride out through a local village. Guess which one they've chosen 🤦

Is this all down to a lack of confidence though, or is it more finally being honest with ourselves about what we're just not comfortable doing, maybe never were, and aren't prepared to force ourselves through it anymore?
Sad if it means we don't do things we really want to though.

MawtheMerrier

As I’ve got older a lot of my self-confidence seems to have trickled away. Or perhaps it’s since Paw died and I have no longer had the responsibility of kicking ass with some medical professionals, or driving him to appointments at his London hospital. Whatever, I now mostly only have myself to think about but I can find myself dreading things I used to take in my stride (the M25 for example), any long drives, or social engagements with people I do not know very well, or taking an active role in the organisation of our local Arts Society (involving public speaking.)
So I am trying very hard not to “duck out” of arrangements, not to rule things out -even although I would cheer silently if they were cancelled!
Do you “feel the fear and do it anyway” or are you lucky enough not to feel the fear?

I so get this. I think the years of "kicking ass" to make sure my OH got the care he deserved took the last of my strength. I have so many physical decrepitudes that have emerged since he died .... it was as if my body was just keeping going till then and now it is all coming in a deluge.
Yes I do a fair bit if chickening out now as my confidence goes the same way as physical health. Some days it feels barely worth the effort of going on.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am very determindly keeping driving. When we visit DS and family 200 miles away, I always drive one way and we often go in my car to give it a good run.

I saw my father completely destroy my mother's confidence as a driver after he retired - with love, not authority. When ever she went anywhere he would be worrying about all the threats that would assail her - warning her of roads slippery with leaves in Autumn, the possibiliy of ice in winter, the sun dazzling her in summer. he loved driving, she didn't, so when they went anywhere together, he always drove. Within 10 years she had, to all intents and purposes stopped driving. I am derermined this will not happen to me.

In some ways I am fortunate, DH's work required a lot of travel to some of the more inaccessible parts of the world, especially before mobile phones and email, so I am used to being on my own for weeks and occasionally months and having to make all the decisions and sort everything out myself. So, if I am ever on my own, I have had some practice.

I know what you mean about the reassuring presence, Maw. DH would always make me feel I was capable of anything even if he didn’t always say so.

My confidence took a battering when he died. I moved to be close to family but I didn’t know anybody and even had to use SatNav to find the local post office. I’m determined not to be a burden to them and making friends through joining U3A has been a life changer but I also feel relieved when things are cancelled and I can curl up with a book…and my dog.

It helps knowing others are in the same boat. We just have to make sure we keep rowing.

I drive locally but I am afraid of the long drives these days. By local I mean about a radius of 50k. One of my friends, who is slightly older, drives up to New South Wales and Queensland, 10 hour drives plus. I couldn’t even dream of doing that. I am ok with social events on my own because I am an only child so I am used to that and I am quite outgoing but I would now be scared of things like swimming out in the open sea, loss of power and strength and too much thinking of what might happen.

mumski 💐

MawtheMerrier

That’s very sad mumski but perhaps her DH was happy to be the strong one in the partnership?
Just guessing.
Even while Paw was alive, I had to do a lot myself as he was very poorly over the years, dating back to his transplant back in the late 1990’s. However it’s one thing to do things on your own knowing the security of somebody at home to talk to about it. Paw was always a reassuring presence even if I was the one up the ladder or on the phone to the emergency plumber!
It’s reassuring to know I am not alone in this.

Maw you are right. My husband also died 3 years ago and like you I was always fiercely independent but having my DH cheering me on whatever I did was a huge reassuring presence. Like you, after his death I found my confidence shaken in so many weird and unexpected ways. The thought of having to go to my poor brothers funeral in January without my DH is something I'm dreading, even though my girls will be there with me. I think one of the reasons I'm so angry with my sister in law is for taking advantage of my lovely brother's good nature and not lifting a finger in over 30years of marriage.

I hand off a bit of driving, but he has always been the better driver. I find myself driving M11 into the city or even just Stansted less than when I was younger, but I still do it a few times a year. Good point, Maw, keep doing.

tanith