Loneliness, can we help ?

There are lots of befriending services if you are interested in volunteering

www.ageuk.org.uk/hammersmithandfulham/get-involved/volunteer/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjRMoJadOc8EIFQEsb17IPHeOz7DnaFdmsNg1uXyW-ZpnITaEl0FxBgaAgjDEALw_wcB

www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/supporting-people/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=1820689649&utm_content=137992230954&utm_term=befriending%20uk&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjRwLVd4eDZqpL6SSFgbI6BxOG58RvHNWKjx8YQd7ubYB45vEtqp-E4aAg_nEALw_wcB

www.marmaladetrust.org/donate?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjSyzAR0TnYdfqeGF41nkZ7cIMB13MchyKr7Xc5qNeRJcnBZUQhE46IaAhRcEALw_wcB

www.befriending.co.uk/about/become-a-befriender/

I'm sure there are more than these charities too.

I think Anniebach was talking about a particular post but actually oversharing and talking non stop are a sign of loneliness. If you haven't seen anyone for ages, when you do see someone you can't stop talking.

I think we all need to try and become a little better at realising and combatting lonliness - other peoples' and our own.

We moved six years ago to a small country town, where people still automatically say good morning or good day when they pass you in the street.

Admittedly, you don't really get to know them, but it does mitigate the feeling I often had in a big city of being completely invisible!

Perhaps we should all try to re-instate greeting those we pass in the street, chatting about the weather etc, at the bus-stop.

How nice to hear that some of you are trying to stay in touch with those you know are lonely. Keep up the good work, and let us all try to follow your example.

Yes, Christmas, New Year, Easter, birthdays are hard if you are on your own, or married to someone who doesn't really mind whether we celebrate or not.

Some solve the problem by ignoring these days, others find some one they can share them with - it all depends on your character which option you prefer.

How about all us lonely ones, or sometimes lonely ones trying on ordinary days of this year to get to know one or two new people, or find some voluntary organisation that hosts Christmas or other dos for the lonely or homeless and volunteer to help them?

Joining a book club, volunteering, helping children with homework or whatever else we could do for a couple of hours a week may not help the Christmas on our own dread, but should ease the feeling of loneliness at other times.

I don't think that's Anniebach's point. Her response was to my post regarding how some of my efforts to include people went wrong.

I have to take issue with 'lonely people are boring', Anniebach. I don't think I drone on about illnesses or any other issues. In fact I'm quite shy. I enjoy people's company - like to observe them and listen to their points of view and contribute if necessary or invited.

In my area there is a charity called Evergreen that recruit volunteers to visit lonely elderly people who have registered with them. We are called Befrienders and I volunteered last year, the lady I got was very difficult, but I stuck with her as she was very much in need of a friend and confident, although she had other friends and a son and a daughter both of whom were estranged, I soon realised why!!! I went to Australia in July, planning to stay until January, but returned early and I did not contact my “befriendee” as I knew someone else had been assigned to her and, quite frankly, I was far too busy getting ready to host a large family gathering, which is why I came home early! Imagine how I felt when I got a phone call from a distant relative of my “friend” to tell me she had died the previous week!!! She was a lot younger than me in years, but not in attitude and had so many health issues, there seemed to be a new one on every visit and none of them were trivial! I will be volunteering again in the new year, as the demand is very high in this area. It is a very worthwhile cause I think and I would urge anyone with a couple of hours spare to seek out any similar organisation in your own local area.

Surely you can have an open house. Start early in the afternoon. Invite your children for an afternoon cup of tea. Invite friends for an evening snacks affair. Just because most people celebrate New Year at midnight doesn't mean you have too as well. Make your house the place for other people to come to instead of thinking where you can go. By midnight you will be looking forward to the peace and quiet.

I think that the Christmas/New Year period can be very difficult if you are alone. I am divorced and live by myself. I am lucky in that my children live nearby and I do see them but they are often busy with their own plans so I spend long periods alone. It doesn’t help that they are often out with or visiting their numerous in laws who can often offer a jolly party atmosphere with the drinks flowing whereas there is just me here and I don’t even drink! I love going out though but am never included in any social outings even though I do hint! Personally I think it would be different if their father and I were still together-he is never included either! I try to cheer myself up but this New Year was hard. My parents years ago had ‘open house’ at NY and it was always such fun. They are long gone now but I found myself very nostalgic for times past this year and I don’t usually allow myself to do that! I am racking my brains on how to make it different next year, but short of going to my sister’s (who lives hundreds of miles away and who has a blissfully happy marriage and devoted family) I don’t know! I think that might make me feel more alone and a failure than ever! So it’s onward and upward as I say for 2023 and I’ll carry on with the groups I go to which will be starting up again after the break and think how I can make this a better year!

Etherwashere1
Is there a nearby church group you could join?
Some have a coffee and chat after a service. You don’t need to be a believer. Worth asking about the choir, even if your voice is not great. You can just bring what you can.

This year I’ve just realised how lonely and boring the season is. My car is waiting for parts and I’m devastated because I can jump in it and just go anywhere. Relying on busses is useless as apart from strikes the drivers just don’t turn up and I’m scared of being unable to go home. I keep an eye on my elderly mother (see other post) who is as depressing as hell and she too drones on about her health. I can’t taker her out as no car. My friend has threatened suicide. Another I know has successfully overdosed and another friend is struggling with a suicidal grandson. So older people whom I see congregating in shopping malls are probably doing the best thing having a coffee and talking to anyone who will listen.
I know what I’ve got to look forward to in years to come and that is days of no contact with anyone. My daughter says I should join something but all these organisations close for 2 weeks over the holidays. I have not been invited to her home over the hols, although she has visited me. I really dread Christmas in the future

Ageuk do a telephone service for people on their own you can arrange to chat with someone for around 30 mins each week. Might be worth looking into for him.

It's a Royal Voluntary Service project. The funding runs out next March but I can continue my visits via the general hospital volunteering scheme. Check out if there's something similar near you.

Aveline

That's why our project was set up. We just pop in to see patients. If they look like they could do with company I stay and chat. I really enjoy meeting so many people and love to hear their stories and discuss life in general. Because I'm there twice a week they can count on seeing me again soon and it gives me the chance to get things they might want from the shop or just any info they might need etc.

Sounds a great project to be involved in , could have done with you visiting me the few days I were in the individual room . They have nothing like that set up in my local hospital , if they did I would happily volunteer .

That's why our project was set up. We just pop in to see patients. If they look like they could do with company I stay and chat. I really enjoy meeting so many people and love to hear their stories and discuss life in general. Because I'm there twice a week they can count on seeing me again soon and it gives me the chance to get things they might want from the shop or just any info they might need etc.

Aveline

I know. I certainly didn't mean to imply that was a generality of people on their own. It's just that I really try but sometimes to little avail.
I'm aware of the possibility of loneliness as I am a ward volunteer in care of the elderly wards. Individual rooms are isolating and mean long days and nights on their own for the patients. The nurses are busy. No time to chat. I've found that many either don't have family or they live too far away to visit. Elderly people's friends tend to be very old too. One lady sadly told me that, 'all my friends are dead!'

Yes , I agree , individual rooms in hospitals are a lonely place to be . Recently, I’d ended up in hospital and were put in an individual room , at first I though it were great , have own toilet , wash basin , television ,peace & quiet , what more does one want ? But , after spending few days in that room I started to feel very lonely. I could hear all the chatting, the hustle and bustle going on in the main wards , which made loneliness so much worse . Thank goodness I were transferred to the main ward for the rest of my two weeks stay .

I know. I certainly didn't mean to imply that was a generality of people on their own. It's just that I really try but sometimes to little avail.
I'm aware of the possibility of loneliness as I am a ward volunteer in care of the elderly wards. Individual rooms are isolating and mean long days and nights on their own for the patients. The nurses are busy. No time to chat. I've found that many either don't have family or they live too far away to visit. Elderly people's friends tend to be very old too. One lady sadly told me that, 'all my friends are dead!'

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonely people are boring, obsessed with their ill health ?

The man I was talking about was a bit vulgar and, I think, misjudged the situation. I'm sure your aunts didn't tell blueish jokes!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aussiegran I had a similar situation. We were at a rather formal drinks reception and were glad to meet up with some friends. We were all happily chatting and generally catching up when I saw a man standing by himself on the edge of the room. He was smiling hopefully so I called him over to join us. Big mistake. He took over the conversation and rather overshared with us complete strangers to him. He stuck with us like a limpet all evening.
In retrospect I suppose he was trying to keep his end up conversationally and didn't realise that he was dominating it and being a bit inappropriate at times. Probably if he'd had a partner it might have helped. H/she might have given him a nudge in the way that I'd have done to DH.
Loneliness in another form?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

No, aveline you did exactly the right thing. My lonely friend does the same, whinging about people. It is because they build it up inside themselves and have no one to talk to, I am sure. Bless you for ringing her.

My neighbour is 92 and quite deaf which I know is isolating. During lockdown I did some shopping for her but she was never satisfied as I didn't buy the exact brand she expected although she hadn't told me which ones. I realised that she somehow thought I knew exactly what she was thinking and I knew all her late friends and family. Conversation was therefore very confusing and generally tough going.
This Christmas I knew I should be phoning but struggled to face it. However, luckily an excuse arose and I bit the bullet. As usual the call was full of confusion and non sequiturs. She told me of her various problems and I suggested a variety of ways to help which were all discounted. I realised there was nothing much I could offer.
I'm left feeling guilty. Would it have been better not to phone? I really don't know if she appreciated it or not. Oh dear. I realise I'm just venting. Sorry OP. It's just been on my mind.

BIzzle - that is hard and in a way reminds me of the Covid lockdowns which in the end started to really upset a lot of those on their own. We do need company, don’t we? Things are more or less back to normal now with everyone rushing around with the sales so at least there’s that. Do you have any pets- sometimes that can help ?

Well done, you! Having had to move away from lifelong friends two years ago and having no family, I really struggle with Christmas - and especially this year for some reason. Even good new friends disappear into their 'family' bubble at this time of year - and I don't blame them for that, but when you're left out in the cold, it would be wonderful if just someone would acknowledge just how hard it is on your own. I think we all have slightly unrealistic expectations for Christmas but when you're on your own it really hits home hard. This year the only way I could get through four days of total isolation was watch Midsomer Murders and Downton Abbey. I couldn't even bring myself to open my presents until after it was all over. Just couldn't cop with anything connected with 'Christmas' at all.

Maybe if there are other GNs out there who have felt the same way, we could make a pact to join forces online which hopefully wouldn't leave us feeling quite so isolated and alone.