Do you ever look back ......

I sometimes think I have a hard centre don’t ever cry much but that is because of my bringing up. So wish I had had a normal childhood. But this has got to me. The upbringing and all these comments and memories.
Why are we so hard on ourselves. I had no support after I had son no. one. Did better the next time. Oldest son likes to tell me what I did wrong but younger one loved his childhood. We should not reproach ourselves so much. I did my best. Both have done well. Things going along ok now. But we will all think of it from time to time.
We must try to boost our self esteem as some where along the line we have lost it.
Look after yourselves.

I am happy for you. Being proud of your children must be a joy for you.

I think gin and a hot bath might have been used with me as Mum was 42 and hated my unfaithful father. She already had two teenagers and was struggling with them apparently.

We are in different times now. My attitude to my parents changed when I became a Grandparent.

i married a much older man and we did not intend to have children but we had a son, by the time he was 5 we had to live on benefits as my husband took ill, i felt so bad and very guilty as i could not buy the things that other kids had, my son was 16 when we lost his dad. my son has turned out to be a great person, he has looked after me and helped so much in the last few years since i was ill. i think i did okay as a mum, we are very close, he never ends a phone call without saying love you.

It may not have been good enough for your son Livey, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good enough. We've been estranged from our youngest son for 10 years but have a wonderful relationship with his older brother.

I was just thinking, that could be me and my rose coloured glasses, they could be thinking, Thank God
That’s over

Luckygirl
I agree, we have to put things into perspective, with Christmas behind us, I realise we are fortunate, all of our children and grandchildren here, including the grown up ones, and yes the children still bicker as if they’re school children, but we all get on, we have a laugh, I think we like each other.
So that’s good enough for me. I was saying to a friend today, all that ambition for them, getting them into the right schools, encouraging them, worrying about them, none of it paid off, but it doesn’t matter, they’re all nice kids, maybe their lives have taken turns we hadn’t foreseen, but as long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

I have regrets, but not sure where I went wrong. I did what I thought was my best at the time.
But, considering that my son hasn't spoken to me for 10 years, it wasn't good enough
I still love him dearly though and think of him daily

....while my life has not turned out at all as I had hoped at least my children are ok and we all love each other.

I guess we could all say that in some degree or another. Mostly we get there in the end.

I did my very best, that’s all I can say. My eldest girl was a ‘wild child’ between the ages of 13 and 18. I begged for help with her moods, her anger, truancy (resulting in permanent school exclusion with no real back up plan from the LA) drug experimentation, running away from home, unwanted pregnancy at 14 (which ended in termination) etc etc. My family were far away and no real help even to listen. Social services were a joke and not interested. My husband (now ex, thank heavens) gave up quickly with his daughter and carried on being the emotionally, verbally and physically aggressive person he had been throughout our 27 year marriage. I have never felt so alone and desperate. My other two younger children suffered, I’m sure they did, but I held on grimly, managing my job and the awful home situation as best I could. Been better off without husband really but he refused to leave and I had nowhere to go. As I say, despite everything social services were not at all interested as they viewed my home as ‘stable’! Wind on down the years and we are all ok. Not marvellous or fantastic or perfect but ok. My eldest is married with children of her own and lives a normal, happy life. She gets stressed still but is a lot better. The others are good. Me? I’m thankful to have survived it all and while my life has not turned out at all as I had hoped at least my children are ok and we all love each other.

When I look at my daughter as a wonderful mum to her two girls, I often wonder if I did the very best I could for my children. Times were hard and we did what we could. Ill health for a couple of years made thins very difficult.

When my son got married my DIL father said how happy he was that his daughter had joined such a loving family , I was very touched that we had obviously given that impression. We are very close to our 3 but I know there were times that I struggled with parenting and that I possibly fell short but I tried my best with what I had at the time as did my own Mother back in the day. We all have our struggles and are only human. We are a loving family and our children àre good ,kind decent people and that will do for me .

I think I was a rubbish mother. I wanted them so much but wasn’t much fun and probably too stressed. I get on ok with them but don’t think they like me much

This is just one of the threads that reinforces how tough life can be but also how we have , at the very least partially, succeeded in spite of it all ( including poor examples and even abuse from parents).
I know I've been thinking a fair bit recently about ways in which I could have been a better mother and been much more aware of some of the things my kids were going through that I've only fully appreciated recently.
The phrase " we can't change the past" sounds trite but is an important truth. We do often need to be kinder to ourselves as well.
If we find ourselves ruminating about past failures to the extent it affects our present wellbeing, we maybe need to find self- help strategies or get professional help to help us.
I know I was in danger of letting such rumination affect me recently.
For me, my faith plays a huge part in my life and I felt very clearly God's reassurance that whatever was in the past could be put behind me and I could focus on being a good mother and grandmother in the present as I was reading some notes headed "Whatever you have lost, God can restore" .
I know there are many for whom that might not resonate.
I also studied psychology many years ago ( although my career was in maths education) and I place a lot of store in evidence - based psychological techniques, formal counseling etc
This was an interesting read ( from a fairly brief browse - there will be a variety of similar things)
www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/depression/rumination/

Parents, not patens!

Mothering sounds so very simple on the surface, but this thread proves that it is otherwise, and also shows the huge responsibility that it carries in terms of our children's mental health and well-being. I wonder why we take on that huge responsibility? - probably because we do not realise how challenging it is going to be, and because the instinct to reproduce is hard-wired and very strong.

My mother, looking back as an adult, I now realise was beset with many problems. A highly intelligent woman born as an only child to parents who had no interest in education for girls - in this age she would have had a PhD I am sure! She very much blamed her situation on men, whom she saw as having all the advantages in life and causing all the rouble in the world. This of course resulted in a somewhat stormy marriage, which had a massive effect on us children - a lot of tiptoeing around! The battle with my father and the chip on her shoulder in relation to men filled her consciousness and , whilst she looked after us, she had no space left for anything loving or nurturing. This was a huge gap in our lives. And as for praise ........ forget that!

She also had dreadful PMT, I now realise - she was a Jeckyll and Hyde character - very hard for small children to deal with. One minute normal, the next filled with fury,

I tried very hard to show lots of love and encouragement to my 3 children and they have turned out fine - good patens themselves and very loving and supportive to me.

But deep down my lack of proper mothering makes me question whether I deserve their kindness and love - whether it is real. It is interesting that this sense of poor self-worth is still there after so many decades!

What a responsibility parenting is!

I think we all have similar doubts from time to time. I was quite a strict parent and I sometimes wondered if I'd alienated them a bit. Unfortunately children don't come with user manuals so we can only follow our own instincts and hope we got it right. But judging by the way they've all rallied round to help me and DH for the past week (I've been quite seriously ill) I think I must have got something right. Their concern and obvious love for us both has been truly overwhelming.

Maybe I want a perfect mother …whatever that is….. but they both stayed outa prison ….got good exam results and have never been out of work.BUT I know wholeheartedly that I am the perfect grandmother….cos my two tell me so every time I see them. 😂

I, too, wondered if I got it right! But both daughters have never been unemployed, have never been in trouble and are wonderful mothers to their children. I reckon I did something right!

Gin and hot bath? That's a new one on me!
Always!! I always wonder if my children actually love me. They say they do, and they treat me well, but there's always that nagging doubt in my head as I had a terrible relationship with my mother!
I'm sure she must have loved me, well she kept me and, generally, I was treated alright. I had loads toys, was fed well, had parties etc, but there was always a feeling that I shouldn't have been there but that may have been because my siblings were several years older than me and one of them was a rather ill child!
I guess, going from that is where my insecurity concerning my children comes from!!
Anyway, I love them so much and feel blessed to have them.

In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

Some of that will be nature but research shows that the way you are nurtured in the first 3 years has a profound affect on the brain. Children who are starved of love in those 3 years will likely be emotionally damaged compared to those who are in loving environments.

I’d say I’m a 100 per cent better as a mum nanna than my mother and grandmother were I grew up all my life being told wasn’t wanted biggest mistake etc if it wasn’t for you etc things I’ve never said to any of my sons or grandchildren and they know that they are loved and wanted both my sons have done really well for themselves so yes I always think back and think I’ve done well lol

In everything I did, I did my best. There are times when my best wasn't very good as I suffered depression. Everything was all about them. I can 100% say I did my absolute best for them.

I also have a son who thinks I did everything wrong and the only reason he's not constantly telling me how wrong I am is that I stopped replying to his abusive messages after he banned me from seeing or speaking to my GC. They were my only reason to put up with the abuse.

My heart goes out to those of you who were told they were unwanted (gin and hot baths!!). My mother was a narcissistic b**ch, but she wanted me so much (after an 8 year gap from her first child) that she was trying to adopt when she fell pregnant with me. She 'needed' me, in an unhealthy way, but she was a good mother while I was little, and things went downhill when I developed a mind of my own. Overall, I think I was happy and probably better off than others. As to my own mothering skills, I made some really, really big mistakes (leaving them for periods of time due to my own mental health struggles) but they have both let me have it with both barrels, had therapy and we are all settled and love each other now. They are both well adjusted and happy adults and my daughter and DSIL are great parents to DGC.

I know I could’ve done better. It was a difficult time though. I came out of an abusive marriage into a scrappy divorce and my poor kids witnessed most of it. I went back into a shift working job so at times i wasnt there for my children, but it gave us a home and food on the table.( as my ex never paid a penny for maintenance)
My kids have both grown into good parents themselves , both in loving marriages. However my son bought his sister a book called’ the book you wish your parents read before they had you’ for xmas 2/3 years ago . Of course she told me about it and i have to admit it hurt quite alot. He also tends to tell me things i did wrong that he remembers in conversation with him and other people .My daughter tells me to forget about it and that he’s got a very selective memory, only remembering the bad things,
Maybe I’m too sensitive?

I did my best and probably fell short. When I think of my own childhood I am flabbergasted that my loving parents turned a blind eye to me being caned at school, over a period of three years.