Do you ever look back ......

As I said, Icanhandthemback, maybe 9 and 12, but maybe 10 and 13 - certainly no older. I suppose I was pretty confident that they wouldn’t do anything stupid (just as well they didn’t!) or I’d never have done it.

I am assuming, Witzend that your children were old enough to be left alone or you had put something in place to ensure they were safe. We were taken away from my mother in the middle of the night when she popped next door to see a neighbour. It gave her the fright of her life and took her a year to get us back. When we were parents, she drummed it into us that you didn't ever do anything which could end up having your kids taken away so we were too paranoid to run away although I often felt like it!

Witzend
You only did what we’ve all longed to do from time to time.
The worst I’ve done was pull into a lay-by when three of my grandchildren were shouting and fighting in the car. I said Right, get out, I’m sick to death of your fighting.
The oldest one
who to be fair, was least at fault, opened her door, and the middle one started crying, obviously, I had to relent, but it felt good.

I’m sure I was very far from perfect, but OTOH I can’t have been too awful since I’ve always got on very well with both dds (now in their 40s).
Dh ditto. He had more patience than I did, but then for so much more time he wasn’t even there! Working long hours, plus very often away for work.

One Very Bad Mother thing I did, when dds were maybe 9 and 12 (can’t remember exactly) was to run away when they were driving me mad. They were sort of noisily play fighting endlessly, which made the dog join in by barking non stop - the noise was driving me mad - and despite my frequent pleading with them to STOP! - they just wouldn’t.

Dh was away, but I didn’t care - I got in the car and drove for 2 hours to a friend I hadn’t seen for ages. When she opened the door I said, ‘I’ve run away from my kids - can I stay the night?’

Had a great night with plenty of 🍷, drove back the next day. All was well at home, albeit dds a mite subdued!
I dare say I should, but I have never once regretted it. 😈

I think people would maybe think twice if they realised it’s a lifetime commitment.
I had my first child at nineteen and have been looking after children ever since in one way or another.
Our finances have been strained with various crises over the years, and it seems that if things settle down with one, things start taking off with someone else.
This is not how I saw my life, but I love them all to bits, despite their various dramas, they are all nice people, but I never see an end to my role as mum/granny, don’t think my responsibilities will ever end, and I’ll just be me.

From your comments, I believe you had a hard childhood and you may have broken that chain, as I did.

Big!ouis you just don’t know exactly how you would have reacted to having children, when the love we usually and normally feel for our children appears. It’s journey even with the experience of helping to bring up siblings, as in my case, or coming from large families.
For all of us who have had children, it has been a learning curve.

I’m fairly sure our youngest was spoiled a bit too much, but she did a sport which took up most of her leisure time for about ten years.
The others were working Saturdays in the family business from quite a young age for their pocket money, and if they wanted extra money, I would find them jobs at home.

I did my best, made my mistakes, in retrospect I would have sometimes done things differently, but as the saying goes "hindsight is a wonderful thing". Our children tell us quite often, they had a wonderful childhood rose coloured specs they're remembering the highs but hearing that from them does make, the sometimes fraught path of all those different stages worthwhile.

I agree with Maw it is "easy to talk theoretically" you sometimes have to live it to understand it. Not that I agree with handing everything on a plate either, but at times, particularly stroppy teenage years, certainly with one of mine, we did have to pick our battles.

Big Louis my son had wee jobs from he was 12 ,he saved from them and added money he got as gifts .He paid for his first car himself and was as proud as punch to do it .
We were always there for him when he had problems though ,when his first serious relationship broke down due to his partner cheating ,he came home with his 1 year old daughter and stayed for 8 years ....she stayed for over 10 years until he was sure his new relationship would last .We have a great relationship with him,just finished refurbing his new home for him and his wee family and happy to do anything to help when /if he needs us .Isn't that what family does?

Every so often, when my daughter is talking about her friend's parents who aren't supportive, I get a, "But you would never do that, Mum." It is the closest I'll ever get with a positive judgement on my parenting but I'll take it because from my daughter, that's high praise indeed!

biglouis

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

Why comment then?

Easy to talk theoretically.

Personally I reckon most of us will remember things we could have done better - and times when we could have done worse!
I had a somewhat “spikey ” relationship with D1 in her teens (who doesn’t) but some years ago I expressed admiration for her parenting skills and she replied “Well I learned from the best” and that made up for all the traumas and troubles of those teenage years.
I’m not sure about the value of looking back but I hope we can mostly say we did our best and no one can do better than that.

biglouis I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

What do you mean by that? Most of us seem to have been able to bring up happy and well balanced children who are contributors to life not takers, without sending them up chimneys, aged three, or telling them to stand on their own feet when they do need help and support.

I suspect that behind all your bluster, there is a much kinder person than you want to appear.

biglouis

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

Good decision made then, Biglouis.

My sons have turned out to be lovely people, so something must have been right. Their father died when they were six and nine, so that wasn’t easy. Luckily my parents lived not too far away, and helped give them stability.

I shouted at the children and got very annoyed with them sometimes. Sometimes (rarely) I smacked them, simply because I couldn’t cope. This upset me, as my parents wouldn’t have dreamt of smacking or shouting at us. Problems (mostly my brother’s) were dealt with by discussion.

I now think all this was pretty normal, but it upset me at the time.

I dont look back on parenting because I chose never to have children and never regretted my decision. Had I chosen to have them I would have brought them up "hard" by making them save, work and hustle for the things they wanted and not handing them life on a plate. Its called "tough love".

It is so sad to hear that so many of us had difficult upbringings. But heartening to hear how so many rose above it and went on to make successful lives, albeit with some regrets.

In the end I guess we all do our best with the hand we are dealt - and so do our chidlren.

It is interesting to see how these things perpetuate themselves through the generations. I am sure that my mother's problems were as a result of her strict upbringing, and that her parents in their turn were influenced by theirs.

I also think that most people of current grandparent age will have had parents whose outlook on life had been influenced by the second WW - that is certainly true of my father whose experiences in Singapore made him bitter and cynical and probably not the greatest of husbands. Ironically my Mum was never so happy as during the war when she was a Land Girl and felt she had a useful role. She was not really cut out for motherhood, but I guess she did her best.

I'm so sorry I canhandthemback It's so hard not being allowed to process your emotions. I was invalidated my entire life, forced to put up and shut up. Ridiculed for being an attention seeker if I had any small need. I was sent to school in agony and went a further three days with no medical treatment before I saw a dr and it was discovered that I had peritonitis. Well, I lived to tell the tale, but if I was listened to it wouldn't have gotten so bad.

The night my Grandad died my mother yelled at me that it was all my fault. Then she yelled at me for not expressing emotion. I had learned to take abuse and not verbalise it. They had trained me well and yet I still wasn't the daughter they wanted.

It's down to being shouted at for crying as a kid and being banned from it.

I can relate to this. Crying was seen as a personal affront to my mother but I can now see that she didn't actually know how to deal with the feelings she had when I cried. I learned very early on to stop but my younger sister couldn't and she would often get a pounding when she couldn't.

My daughter was totally unmoved by tears on the few occasions I was completely unable to stop them. If anything, it seemed to make her despise me just that little bit more.

Well done! I am sure we all got some things right - but unfortunately it is the bits I did not that I seem to remember! I will have to consign them to the bin.

I've never really given it much thought until recently. Each of our DDs have done things lately with their own children that we used to do with them. When they told us about it they each said they remembered what we'd done and what fun it was so they wanted to make those memories for our grandchildren. It made me realise we must have done something right!

So sorry @Fernbergien My estranged son once ignored us for two weeks while living in our home, then cut me off last year after he'd moved out. We decided to give them gifts last Christmas anyway because of Grandkids, they then talked to us for a bit and treated us worse than ever before cutting us off just before one of Gc's birthdays. Gutting! Don't know how I'll trust him again. Younger son is lovely.

We definitely need to love ourselves more and know we did our best. I've said to my ES loads of times how much hes loved and that I've always done my best, but I'm human and humans make mistakes. He makes no admission of his, only mine. He's on drugs. He's parent of the year. (sarcasm) I'm so angry and dissappointed in him and he doesn't know.

Goodness. What you are saying sounds like me. My son (eldest) became estranged from us for about 4-5 years. Ok now but remain wary. Son no.2 a lovely guy. Perhaps we should love ourselves more.

I don't cry easily and can't do more than some tears running down my face. It's down to being shouted at for crying as a kid and being banned from it. I have a theory that my inability to cry is one of the reasons that I've suffered from chronic pain and bowel problems- it's the pain coming out a different way.

My Estranged son (Before he estranged) loved to tell me what a bad Mother I am, but my youngest has never had any complaints and chooses to live with us even though he has a good career and could easily move out if he wanted to.