Passive aggression

😂I’m assertive but sometimes have burned the ironing and chipped plates and mugs, but that’s cos I’m also clumsy.

Passive aggressive people are usually always on the defensive. In the case I described above the man imvolved, rather than admit he didn't understand what he was meant to do, would blame someone else, including me, as being the reason he couldn't meet deadlines, or that he hadn't received the material on time, anything that enabed him to justify not completingthe work on time, rather than admit that he actually did not understand what he was meant to do or couldn't do it.

Passive aggression can go two ways

1. It's personal and about you.

Some people are passive aggressive because they want to send you a message and hurt you or sabotage something they didn't want to do while appearing mostly innocent.

2. It's not personal to you it's about them.

Some people are passive aggressive because they feel angry or hurt by your behaviour but either feel they are wrong to be angry and hurt or are trying to say something kindly but their emotions are coming across to you anyway.

1 is the province of an abusive person who is mentally ill in their own way.

2 is the province of the victim, a person used to being bullied, doubting themselves and not assertive enough to stand up for their own needs. Again mental health being an issue.

So it comes from two very different directions and analysing why someone behaves that way will help you communicate more effectively in future

Classic case of passive aggression, Prince Harry. He says how much he wants to reconile with his family, followed almost immediately by putting more information out aimed to show his family in a bad light.

Oh Baggs I have to carry people at work too. One was ill so I made allowances, the other was taking the proverbial. I reported to my boss who said he’d already told me I had an attitude so after that I just exposed their poor work ethic by letting them try and chase their own slack

I suspect that is passive aggressive too and I imagine I’ll get flamed for this post but it had gone on for months.

It’s poor management really, isn’t it?

Sorry this got so long. I think the co-worker not pulling her own weight is the observable thing here. But you'd have to get inside her mind to know if she's being passive-aggressive or not because there could be other reasons for her not pulling her own weight. For ex. maybe she's not able to do her job well because of some kind of infirmity or maybe she's just lazy or maybe she's indifferent.

This is a whole different situation but a new-ish friend once told me I was "passive-aggressive." I was actually following a thought out plan to get rid of her because I found her exhausting and I chose not to discuss it with her. (She was the type who I expected would just twist everything I said and talk about me behind my back anyway). So I distanced myself from her, not returning calls and turning down offers to meet. I was waiting for her to just move on.

Like Miss Manners says, the polite way to turn down unwanted friendship in the same way you'd turn down anything else you're offered that you don't want, simply, politely, repeatedly, decline.

Well, we did have some kind of connection at that point so I guess it wasn't exactly like Miss Manners said lol.

But to me, in that situation, it came down to her thinking I owed her an explanation and that it was dysfunctional on my part "passive-aggressive" not to give it to her. And me not thinking I owed her an explanation and wanting to get away from her, not in deeper with her in any way.

So... I guess what constitutes "passive-aggressive" is also somewhat in the eye of the beholder?

Correction. I seem to be all thumbs today-...the polite way to turn down unwanted friendship IS the same way you'd turn down anything else you're offered that you don't want...

Oreo

😂I’m assertive but sometimes have burned the ironing and chipped plates and mugs, but that’s cos I’m also clumsy.

😂

Yes, it has to be done intentionally to qualify as passive aggressive.

Being passive aggressive can also be closely linked to gaslighting. For example someone knowingly appearing helpful whilst trying to distort your memory of an event or instruction. For example - oh dear you can’t remember [a] how it was because you are too busy, whereas I can remember [b] quite clearly. Even when [b] is a complete fabrication.

Also do need to be careful with dysfunctional employees especially if they have a medical condition which could attribute to their lack of ability to complete the task. Would suggest a performance management plan as the first step with very documented plans to improve performance and regular reviews, keeping as much in writing as possible to avoid things being misconstrued.

Non Spagetti - ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON WITH YOUR WORDS FROM THE DICTIONARY. for I no longer work myself anymore, as in the workplace it's sometimes a case of "CANT BE BOTHERED ATTITUDE" FOR THE MANY, BUT I HAVE HAD THIS ISSUE MYSELF IN MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE WITH MY OWN HUSBAND WHO SADLY NO LONGER LIVES WITH ME. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS HIS AGGRESSION AS HE COULD BE THAT ON OCCASIONS, THEN THOUGHT IS IT HIM JUST BEING UNKIND OR INCONSIDERATE BUT AFTER READING THIS THREAD WHICH KKNOW IS A WORK-PLACE RELATED TOPIC I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THIS HIS PROBLEM/ILLNESS AS HIM BEING SLIGHTLY OLDER THAN ME THEN MOST PEOPLE OF A CERTAIN AGE TEND BE ONLY FOR THEMSELVES AND NOT being consierate of others. OR IS IT JUST THAT OF THE PERSON'S RUDENESS - WHO KNOW.

OH YES FOR SURE - AS IF WORK COLLEAGUES ARE AWARE OF A person's HEALTH issue OR any MENTAL HEALTH ONES, THEN I MAYBE THINK H.R. SHOULD MAKE THEM AWARE AND THEN IT WOULD LEAD TO A BETTER WORK RELATIONSHIP ON BOTH SIDES WITH MORE CONSIDERATION AND TIME GIVEN TO TASKS IN HAND.

I think it is used in coercive relationships (one of the weapons) to undermine confidence in the other

I don’t think doing a job badly counts.

My latest encounter of what I would describe as passive aggressive was with the receptionist at a dentists. She had very curt and cold body language but on the outside presented a very sweet and helpful persona.... actually she was very unhelpful to the point of being obstructive whilst smiling sweetly.
For me it's often a persons body language doing one thing( cold, angry, aggressive) but the words seeming to be sweet, kind, caring. Body language tells more that words.

Passive aggression is really any form of behaviour that conveys an 'aggressive' message in a non-direct, 'passive' way. A colleague underperforming could be passive-aggressive (i.e. conveying anger, disapproval or other negative emotion by not doing something properly) or simply laziness, or ineptness. More common passive-aggression is going into a mood, giving the silent treatment, playing the victim etc. Some people can be very passive, but that does not mean they are passive-aggressive, they may simply be laid-back and/or lazy. I'm a psychodynamic counsellor and I can say that passive aggression is definitely a form of behaviour, and it's very toxic in relationships. Likewise narcissism. But such terms are now bandied about quite casually, sometimes inaccurately, and even used as a weapon by those to whom they apply. Suffice to say that a great deal of what we do/say as human beings has a hidden agenda.

I have always thought that passive aggression is the use of things like guilt trips to be aggressive to someone, or claiming that they have attacked you so that you are then justified in defending yourself - that includes inventing mental and emotional attacks. It is essentially tricking someone else into a fight by appearing publicly to be innocent, and starting a conflict which appears to have been started by the other party.

Cowering and saying "Don't hit me", when the other person offers no threat at all, but eventually they get fed up and snap back is another - so that then the passive aggressor can legitimately say "See, I told you so!"

Then there is acting paranoid on a social media site, claiming to be vicimised by another poster, until that poster (and often others too) has had enough and posts something personal - at which point the passive aggressor triumphantly says that people are always ganging up on them.

I've encountered passive-aggression as resistance to change, as in the introduction of new ways of working. The person who thought things perfectly OK as they were and shows no initiative in helping new methods work - pointing out minor glitches without making any attempt to resolve them.

How about when you have been trying to get an answer for someone and after numerous emails and phone calls you to thenpm that you are very aware of how busy they are and you really don’t want to keep bothering them and wasting their time so if they could just answer your question please?

A bit I don’t want to waste your time I do don’t want to waste my time so answer the bl@@dy question

I think of that as passive aggressive

Do you think that some forms. Of passive aggressive behavior in some relationships stem.from.either powerlessness, or being in some type.of abusive relationship, which could be a child, a woman in an abusive relationship, or someone in a job that basically they are trapped in for whatever reason when it is dangerous to be honest about their feelings. So understandable I guess
So in a situation where this is not so and the person does it for another reason this is where it is harder for the recipient to deal with. Maybe the person had to be like that but now the situation is different and they should now learn better ways. Some like the above person may just be basically lazy and their rrsenent is that they are having to actually work.

Sounds like a mix of laziness and maybe lack of competence to do her job. If you cover her work you might be hiding this from managers. It’s a performance management issue that has to be formally handled. If she has been given the training/support/time to do her job and still can’t do she has to be got rid of or moved to a job that she can do.

I think this means someone appears to be perfectly pleasant with you- no shouting, no insults, no overt aggression, BUT they make their feelings know in other ways so that you become increasingly uncomfortable. EG. A friend and I once went to a stately home where there was a fair in progress. I had suggested it. It was not long before she started making subtle suggestions that the event wasn't very interesting, the weather wasn't good enough, the grounds weren't worth seeing the coffee shop was too crowded etc etc. Afterwards I wished that she'd said directly she didn't want to go in the first place, rather than making me feel increasingly undermined while we were there.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There's a disconnect between what a person who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior says and what he or she does
This is what you get if you Google passive aggressive behaviour

It's indirect aggression. That's something else.

"... aura of limpness..." Love this expression, which has now entered my vocabulary

Then there is acting paranoid on a social media site, claiming to be vicimised by another poster, until that poster (and often others too) has had enough and posts something personal - at which point the passive aggressor triumphantly says that people are always ganging up on them.

Perfectly illustrated and articulated and witnessed all too often by one particular poster. No matter how many times it's pointed out to them that they're behaving in a passive aggressive manner, they vehemently deny it and gaslight others by accusing them of bullying and being piled up on. Possibly their self declared long term mental frailty is the root cause.

i laugh at these daft labels put on everything nowadays, back in my youth we just called people like this SNIDEY!!!