Difficult conversation

The longer you leave it the harder it is to say No. i was in your Position and after many years said No. I blamed it on my age and dislike of driving in the dark/rain etc.
We are still on good terms, but don’t see them as much.
Hope your chat goes well Sarahmob.

Any update Sarahmob?

Alverstone25 how selfish of your daughter, I'm so sorry for you.
Hope your husband is doing ok now xx

Wow! You’re a gran and a half! I take my hat off to you.
Could she meet you half way - you drive 45 miles for each leg?
Is someone near you and going her way looking for someone to car share?
I hope the conversation goes well and that you both reach an amicable solution.

I do hope your daughter will respect your decision and be mindful of your needs, after all you’d have thought that it’s a given that our adult children would want what’s best for their parents, I was in a similar situation to you, where as a non driver I would travel on trains/ tube for 3 hours on a Sunday morning and come home on a Wednesday evening, it was always going to be a short term arrangement but I had to pull out 3 months later due to my husband ( her father) being diagnosed with a serious health problem, this didn’t go down well at all and now 9 months later she’s still very frosty towards me, apart from the occasional text we haven’t spoken for 6 months.

Maybe offer to have them at your house once a month overnight on the weekend so the AC’s can have a night out? I think sooner rather than later what you’re doing now sadly has to end.

Luckygirl3

To be honest I think that it was a big ask in the first place. Indeed too big an ask. 90 miles is a long way away!

I have provided lots of regular child care for my GC, so that DDs can work, but they live locally.

Just tell your family what the problem is and that sadly you cannot do this any longer.

You deserve a medal for all you have done up to now - well done - pats on the back!

That’s what I think too.It’s not 90 miles even, it’s 180 there and back.A lot of driving and a shedload of petrol money.
Meanwhile, do what another poster suggests and go there on a Sunday and back on Wed?
With lots of time for your DD to line up other options, if you do this until the Summer.

Looking after small children and doing all your travelling on public transport can be more wearing than driving and the journey is often much longer with changes as well.

I know people mean well but forget all the ideas of looking for other ways to do what you are doing. Quite simply, as you say, you simply can no longer cope with what you are doing and trying to do so will end up damaging your health. Tell your daughter this.

It's a long journey for you, driving in some conditions/delays/traffic jams/weather/if you feel unwell etc can be stressful.

You've done your bit. No need to feel guilty about as you have been extremely unselfish. Life changes, your body ages....just look out for yourself and your own health.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Unfortunately public transport is not an option - I live in rural Lincolnshire and trains and buses are nearly unheard of! We don’t even have a bus that runs from our village to our nearest town on a Saturday or Sunday.
I’ll update after we’ve had a chat tomorrow, but like you all say I’m sure she’ll be more understanding than I’m anticipating. 🤞

Perhaps you could cut down to once a month. You've been heroic doing it since 2018... it's such a long journey.. Maybe if you can afford it contribute a bit to childcare, but I certainly wouldn't feel obliged.. your daughter is very lucky having you.

180×4×12=8640 miles a day

Numbers speak for themselves

In your case 90 miles is a long run. Mine just lived down the road , so to speak

saramob I was in the same position a few years ago. When my grandson was born, my son said that his wife was planning to go back to work after maternity leave. He asked if I would help with regular 2 days childcare. Bearing in mind , I was divorced, working part-time , house to manage, doing school rounds for daughter’s children etc, I politely laid my situation out to them. I needed some time to myself. I did not feel guilty at all. D’i.l’s parents would help Ofcourse. I felt no guilt. I think my son and d.I.l understood my situation and had no hard feelings - I hope. But I did offer and still do babysitting regularly, when they have a night out etc. You have to be straight with them - your health is important. It will all work out in the end, I’m sure

If you still want to look after your grandchildren but the driving has become a problem I would explain this to your daughter and see if you can find a solution.

Driving up on a Sunday and/or back on a Wednesday (as has been suggested could work.

Is the journey possible by public transport?

You most certainly are not being mean or selfish, 90 miles is a long way and you have been doing it for a long time!

Do not feel guilty!!!

To be honest I think that it was a big ask in the first place. Indeed too big an ask. 90 miles is a long way away!

I have provided lots of regular child care for my GC, so that DDs can work, but they live locally.

Just tell your family what the problem is and that sadly you cannot do this any longer.

You deserve a medal for all you have done up to now - well done - pats on the back!

Would driving back on the Wednesday morning, in daylight and after a nights sleep be possible? That might help for a while.

If you still want to do the childcare, but not the driving, why not use a bus? Presumably you have a free bus pass? (we have them in Scotland, don't know about down south) Ask DGS to pick you up at bus station

Those long drives plus the childcare all on two days would be too much for anybody.
The only alternative I could suggest, and it might be worth suggesting it until September anyway, is for you to travel there on Sunday and come home on Wednesday. Spread the load.
Normally I'd also suggest travelling by train but that's probably not a realistic proposition these days.

You are not being mean or selfish. Driving in the dark gets trickier as we get older and doing that as well as a full day's care must be exhausting.
I have been pleasantly surprised by how understanding my AC have been, so I hope your DD will be too. As you say, getting the conversation started is the tricky bit - I'd go along the driving is too much route I think and try to get something in place before the evenings draw in.

At a pinch maybe you could offer the petrol money towards the cost of childcare, but I'd keep that under wraps until I saw how the conversation panned out.
Good luck!

There is nothing wrong with simply telling the truth.

The driving is too much for you so reluctantly you have to give up the childcare.