Another domineering individual

Good for you , L. You did the right thing and it has paid off !

Mrs Sparkle update - would you believe it?! Karma to the rescue. Two new ladies have joined our group. One is very politically motivated, well read and argumentative, and the other is very floaty, into healthy eating, yoga and beauty.
Guess what! Poor Mrs Sparkle has lost her sparkle. Glad I kept my mouth shut all along and was very polite at all times.

AussieGran59

LRavenscroft, please keep us updated on Mrs Sparkle. I would love to know if she settles down and becomes one of the group. All the best!

Will do. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fair enough, L. I am glad she is at least a lovely,kind person and I can sympathise with you. There aren’t many of those 1950 stiff uppers around now, are there ?

I suggest next meeting when the lady starts talking you all completely shut up and just sit there.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nanna8

What a lovely husband you have, AussieGran. Not many men would even pretend to listen. In response to the OP, I suppose it all depends how much you value the friendship.I don’t really like the thought of private messages going round on FB- I think that isn’t very nice and it would be better to either put up and shut up or confront rather than be sneaky.

Hi nanna 8. OP here. The friendship with the hostess is very much valued and she is very stiff upper lip and very traditional but incredibly kind and lovely. Everything is as it would have been in 1950s - i.e. don't name, don't complain. We have all been friends for years and potter through life. The domineering lady is newish to the group but the hostess admires her verve, sparkle and competency and has sort of favoured her over the rest of us. One of the ladies was the hostess's best friend until the domineering lady appeared and now it is all (let's call her Mrs Sparkle). Mrs Sparkle made this, Mrs Sparkle did that. Mrs Sparkle advised that....so the hostess is complicit in the situation. If the rest of us say anything the hostess will be mortified hence the flurry of messages on FB. I think it is a form of relief for all of us. We are hoping she will lose her shine and become one of us. Like I said, I just zone out now as I don't really want to lose the other friends.

What a lovely husband you have, AussieGran. Not many men would even pretend to listen. In response to the OP, I suppose it all depends how much you value the friendship.I don’t really like the thought of private messages going round on FB- I think that isn’t very nice and it would be better to either put up and shut up or confront rather than be sneaky.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Easy answer, stop going. Eventually the hostess will ask whyand you can tell her nicely that though you like her ,the other person is really becoming an issue and you thought it best to stay away.
We really have to stop pussyfooting around people, life is too short.

It's really difficult when there is someone like that in a group. I'm in one where someone dominates. Let's call her Bossy Knickers. She grabs the floor before she has formulated a reply, so people sit politely during long silences where she gropes for words, but if anyone interrupts she starts up again.

We've tried doing the politician thing of keeping talking when BK interrupts, but it just ends up with three people talking at once, and the social dynamic is spoilt.

She also plays Top Trumps with conversations, by claiming to have superior knowledge on all sorts of grounds. She's a retired teacher, so it might be that she once taught a PSE lesson on whatever the subject is, or it might be that one of her children works in a particular field, so she can over-rule any of our opinions about it. In a recent discussion about someone's blood pressure medication, BK decided that she should stop taking it - the grounds for this diagnosis were that BK's husband is a medic - she seems to absorb a lot of information my osmosis .

I don't know what we can do about it. If you get past the know-all attitude, and the floor-hogging, she is a kind and generous person. I wouldn't want to hurt her, and I don't even know if she knows how annoying she is. The others in the group feel the same. We've talked about it (and feel bad about doing so) in the hope of finding a decent way of dealing with it, but can't come up with anything.

This is from the Jan 14th blog so I doubt if anyone will see this.
I don’t know which would be worse - sitting there while Chatty Cathy goes on and on and the rest are sitting there rolling their eyeballs… or having a bunch of “domineering” personalities in the same room competing for air time, talking over each other, raising the decibel level. Both are annoying. I’ve been in the middle of both situations. Not fun.
How about this - when CC gets going on her soapbox - just get up and walk into another room. Hehe! Maybe if there would be sort of a mass walk-out, leaving CC by herself, she might get the drift. If the hostess is annoyed… I doubt if you’ll lose her friendship.
It’s a kind of a direct action, but that rather than saying something out loud you might regret.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

I found these posts amusing as they reminded me of my ex mother in law. We made a plan that when she was visiting we would all talk over her and change the subject when she started talking about herself.After half an hour she got up and said she had to 'make tracks'. I know we can't change people but nor do we have to put up with them eh? !!

I imagine that the obsessive woman in a group would not be an entertaining speaker. These unfortunate people seem to turn up in friendship groups. I'd not enjoy a group that lacks competent leadership.

I do know of just such a group, started by a lovely person to enable others to join in a friendly chat about their busyness, their plans, happy events.
Unfortunately over the years one other person has taken control of the group, all about her and her many ailments, some members express sympathy, others have dropped out. There was a concerted effort to try and turn things to a happier note, the way it used to be, but then she was suddenly at deaths door to swing back the attention to her. The saddest thing of all is that when those who get a word in on the odd occasion they need a bit of support, the dominant moaner will suddenly develop a much worse illness or problem and the one in need is put back in their box.
I’ve maintained my friendship with other members past and present but left the group for my own sanity.
I do join in with other more equal and positive groups, I enjoy a good chat, am more than happy to support others when they need it but not when one person dominates constantly.

Gabrielle56

I bang on a bit sometimes, not so much now that I don't drink much!! However I can drone on if not stopped, it's a feeling that a big gap in conversation needs filling! but it's hard to stop if I do realise I'm droning, other than shut up completely. I've tried being demur/feminine(yuk) / timid, but all I get is " what's up with you?/cat got yer tongue/ are you awake?!" From DH who tells me to belt up then when I do thinks I'm sulking?!? Which I never ever do! Can't win..... Am I droning again........?

The issue is you try 'being' things rather than just relaxing and being yourself. You need to listen listen listen to the other people...be interested and really hear them. Silences are not gaps to be filled. Well done starting to notice what you do. Now work at not doing those things and being present instead.

I'd welcome any friend who talks more than anyone else if that friend were well informed and an entertaining speaker.

Im the one who talks too much and have been all my life. I have a very quick brain and talk over peoples endings cos I know what they are going to say. Also i am forgetful and lose what I was going to say if I dont say it straight away. Ive been on all sorts of courses and learned listening skills. I have stopped being in groups especially on zoom when they decided you had to wave something before you spoke. Im just attention seeking I guess, but that is quite an ingrained thing from babyhood. It is exhausting and depressing trying to control myself in a group discussion. I am now seeking a diagnosis of adhd. Please dont ostracize the too much speaker. She is probably quite lonely. A quiet word from her friend, a sympathetic stance might help

I have a neighbour like this! She brings every topic of conversation round to herself; not at all interested in what anyone else has to say. Her ailments are the worst; her DC & DGC are the best at the everything; she has more to put up with than anyone else! She comes across as very insensitive and seems to lack empathy for what others might be experiencing. She will initiate a conversation by asking how your DGC are and then rapidly talk about hers etc. It’s really irritating. Fortunately she’s a neighbour rather than a friend so I only speak to her in passing. Couldn’t be doing with hours of it!

I agree that as visitors you have an obligation to be polite to the other guests, but I do feel that your hostess should long since have tried to stop this person from domineering the conversation.

If she has tried, she obviously hasn't suceeded.

Have any of you others tried taking the person who can only talk about herself aside, and said to her that she comes over as very domineering and unable to listen?

Years ago, a good friend pointed precisely this failing out to me. Admittedly, to start with I was hurt and felt she was being unkind and unfair, but when I thought about it, I realised she was right.

I was chattering too much, all about my own affairs and not bothering to listen to anyone else, or even give them time to speak. I managed to curb this bad habit, and have since been very grateful to the honest friend who risked our friendship to give me a hint.

I was living alone at that time and so glad to be with others that I spoke non-stop and never stopped to think how irritating and arrogant this must have seemed to others.

I remained friends with my honest friend, as I was fortunately able to realise the justice of her hint.

It should be possible to say something like, "Excuse me X, I would really like to hear what Y was saying before you chipped in." if you don't feel like being more explict with her.

paddyann54

I come from a family where we all compete for air space.My SIL used to find it difficult at first ,now he's the same as the rest of us.
I dont get the problem here ,if you dont want to listen to her,move away from her and others will no doubt stand and talk to you or let you talk to them.Simple .
Making a mountain out of a molehill springs to mind ,why on earth would you complain to her friend that her being a talker doesnt suit YOU ?

Who has said anything about complaining to her friend that said lady being a talker doesn't suit us? Like I said way before, the host is delightful and we do not wish to lose her so I have chosen to simply zone out when said lady is around holding court. One simply asks general advice on this board and it is interesting to hear other people's different opinions.

LRavenscroft - like several others on this thread, I 'know' this lady - she is a member of our book group where we don't restrict ourselves to discussing the book. She's a kind, generous, and friendly person, but has obsessions about a certain family member and introduces them at every opportunity, proceeding to try to monopolise the conversation about that person. Privately the rest of us have discussed how to manage her and now we all make the effort to curtail her conversation when it becomes domineering. Likewise if she tries to start a 'private' conversation with the person next to her, that person responds by saying something like "Oh I'm interested in this other discussion, I'll talk to you later". These approaches are helping in a subtle way. If, however, you want to be more direct, you could be honest with your 'good friend' and suggest that you introduce a rule that in any chat, when anyone is holding the floor, they may only speak for 3 mins, anything more becomes a lecture - tell your friend that none of you wants to be lectured, and that if she really 'adores' the other person, she should fall in line with you in order to protect the domineering lady from being excluded from other groups. This may be the only group of friends she has managed to retain, courtesy of your good friend.

This must be quite a feature of groups because I also know someone who is determined the whole group will revolve around her. I think I have just become resigned to it and accept I can either leave the group - which I dont want to do - or put up with it. Since I made that decision it doesnt really bother me any more. I think some people have the kind of personality that thrives in the limelight and do everything they can to get maximum attention (sounds a bit like celebs in general!). Luckily I dont really like the spotlight on me at all so its probably an easy decision for me to let someone else do all the talking and not get too bothered by it.